To resent enforced passive-aggressive hug from manager at work?

[Geppili]

Things have been difficult at work recently. I work in a busy Social Work Team. I love my job and enjoy the challenges. However, office politics have developed as they do. A new manager of mine seems to be quite a complex character. She SEEMS plausible and nice, but I have begun to find her behaviour difficult.

I tend to be quite forthright and outspoken and I think she knows that I don’t fully trust/like her. Gossip is rife about her and various jobs and promotions. I have recently returned from sick leave after a diagnosis of CPTSD.

This afternoon she breezed into a group of colleagues and tried to engage me in light banter. I made it clear I wasn’t really in the mood by saying I haven’t really anything to say. She then started squealing:

“Gepilli needs a hug! I’m going to hug you!”

I said “I really do not want a hug!”

She then embraced me forcefully fully enclosing me with her arms. I was stiff as a board as I had already said that I did not want a hug from her. She proceeded to hold me closely and tightly for as long as she could! Everyone else around us was laughing. I thought I was going to die from her invasion of space in-spite of me saying I did not want a hug. I felt frozen, sickened and deeply humiliated. I had to struggle free from her. Tonight I am shaking and crying. I want to put in a formal complaint against her. I’d be so grateful for insights or advice. Thanks.

That's a clear breach of your boundaries and it also riles me up something chronic when social workers don't seem to know better about that sort of thing.

Please do take it to HR. You were polite and responded nicely, you didn't ask for physical contact.

If it wasn't going to make your life in the team unbearable, I'd make a complaint.

She shouldn’t have hugged you and sounds a bit bonkers. But you don’t sound easy to work with.

This afternoon she breezed into a group of colleagues and tried to engage me in light banter. I made it clear I wasn’t really in the mood by saying I haven’t really anything to say.

The bizarre, ostentatious hugging is just odd. But this bit ^^ jumps out at me.

It very much reads to me like you’re not ready to be back at work. At all.

@SisterMonicaJoansHabit thank you so much for replying so quickly! I do feel that a complaint might make my life difficult. I am on the verge of just resigning.

Thank you @Ponoka7. Im feeling more inclined to resign than take on a huge stressful battle.

@LimeRedBanana You definitely have a point. Im really interested to hear people's views on this incident, so thanks!

Formal complaint. Your manager needs to understand boundaries. Personal space = my bubble - your bubble. She needs to understand that you don’t bully or humiliate people especially in front of an audience. Plus - has she not heard of Covid-19?

@CiderJolly thanks for your reply. Can you tell me what makes you think that?

My MIL does this every time I see her. Weird weird weird. Does she do it to others? What is her general behaviour like to others? Maybe she has a crush on you? In any case, you're at work, she has to respect your boundaries.

Don’t want to speak for @CiderJolly but I tend to be quite forthright and outspoken really jumped out at me.

I can be the same and my experience is that people (particularly English people) hate that and find it tough to handle because they often see it as aggressive. It makes one harder to work with, for sure, so I’ve had to seriously adapt my style.

@GinIronic thank you for your clear advice and reply.

It would be totally inappropriate at anytime for a manager to forcibly hug one of their team but to do it during a pandemic is just unbelievable.

I’d make a complaint about her.

OP, to me your reaction seems like a symptom of CPTSD. Her action was not welcomed by you but if you were feeling strong and rational you'd see it's possible that she was trying to be friendly and warm and spectacularly misread what you needed and wanted.

To be crying and shaking because you were given an unwanted hug seems like a very big physical reaction with underlying triggers. You sound like you need more time and more support.

If you are “forthright and outspoken” then you are rude.

@13579db in your case and maybe mine, It sounds like they are actually crossing known and articulated boundaries. To me it felt like she was trying to jolly me along and when I wasn't responding, instead of withdrawing, she decided to dominate me physically and cause me stress. She is a social worker and knows that I have a CPTSD diagnosis. Sorry your MIL does that. Its really horrible!

I hadn't even considered the infection aspect of the forced hug.

@LizzieSiddal Thanks. Im really considering it. It wasn't a friendly hug. She knew I did not want to be held, but she went right on and did it forcibly while saying in a singsong voice: everyone needs a hug. She knows I don't like her and maybe I am rude, but she really crossed a boundary.

I'm surprised that a manager in a social services setting is so oblivious to overstepping someone's boundaries, but then I spent much if my time in social care settings being surprised about the things that went on.
I would absolutely object to being hugged like that, without my consent.
But then she knows that, doesn't she?

@leavesthataregreen thanks for replying. You could well be right. I feel so upset because she just did not listen to me at all. She she might have been trying to be friendly, but she showed me zero professional respect for my expressed feelings to NOT want her to hug me. She kept squeezing me even though I was rigid.

That’s absolutely out of order.

1. you asked her not to. Should have been the end of it.
2. Hugging at work is dodgy unless you know someone on those hugging terms out of work—seriously breaches boundaries.
3. incredibly patronising! Who is she to say you need a hug?!
4. COVID-19 utterly inappropriate she’s showing gross insensitivity to anyone concerned about infection—so many people aren’t even hugging close friends and relatives at the moment.

I’m not a complainer generally but she actually needs someone to say something. How did your colleagues react?

For those thinking you’re overreacting—if this was a male manager would you feel the same way? I have had a male manager hug me against my will at a very difficult time and it felt like an assault (and also that he was using this as a substitute for dealing with the problem that he was trying to ’console’ me about). I wish I’d been able to call him out more strongly.

I consider it covert bullying.

I think that's really out of order and you should put in a complaint, if for no other reason than stopping this weird behaviour. It's really unprofessional, You have to be forthright if you work in social services. If you're unprofessional that's another issue. But she should not be doing this. If she was concerned about you, she should have asked to speak to you privately.

She was totally out of line, to the point of being bizarre.

You are within your rights not to want a hug - especially forced(!) - from your boss and in front of colleagues. The extent you your reaction to if, and the fact that this reaction has been quite long (it started when you froze and hasn't actually stopped yet because you're discussing the incident) suggests that things aren't as ok with you as you'd believed/hoped.

Don't quit just yet - that's also part of your reaction (after freeze, when the danger has subsided can often come flight).

On the work front, I'm not sure of the best steps, but try and do something tomorrow that is completely different to work, outside/put if the house and distracts you/occupies your mind. Your body needs a chance you get this out of your system (physically) before you can have more of a think about what to do next.

@MorriseysGladioli

I consider it covert bullying.

Exactly this.