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Original poster

To resent enforced passive-aggressive hug from manager at work?

157 replies

Geppili · 10/09/2021 21:03

Things have been difficult at work recently. I work in a busy Social Work Team. I love my job and enjoy the challenges. However, office politics have developed as they do. A new manager of mine seems to be quite a complex character. She SEEMS plausible and nice, but I have begun to find her behaviour difficult.

I tend to be quite forthright and outspoken and I think she knows that I don’t fully trust/like her. Gossip is rife about her and various jobs and promotions. I have recently returned from sick leave after a diagnosis of CPTSD.

This afternoon she breezed into a group of colleagues and tried to engage me in light banter. I made it clear I wasn’t really in the mood by saying I haven’t really anything to say. She then started squealing:

“Gepilli needs a hug! I’m going to hug you!”

I said “I really do not want a hug!”

She then embraced me forcefully fully enclosing me with her arms. I was stiff as a board as I had already said that I did not want a hug from her. She proceeded to hold me closely and tightly for as long as she could! Everyone else around us was laughing. I thought I was going to die from her invasion of space in-spite of me saying I did not want a hug. I felt frozen, sickened and deeply humiliated. I had to struggle free from her. Tonight I am shaking and crying. I want to put in a formal complaint against her. I’d be so grateful for insights or advice. Thanks.

OP posts:
PipsM · 10/09/2021 22:57

Personally speaking, hugs at work are inappropriate unless both parties know each other really well and are happy with them.
She overstepped massively and I would reiterate what others have said about explaining to her how you felt when she hugged you (maybe via email if you do not feel comfortable broaching it in person). Then go to HR if necessary. She should know boundaries, especially if she is aware of you CPTSD. (And thank you for doing a really challenging and relentless job).

JustBrowwsing · 10/09/2021 22:59

[quote Theythinkitsalloveritisnow]@JustBrowwsing well firstly we only have the OPs version of what happened ( yes I know I'm going to get abuse for victim blaming blah blah) but I am not saying it should have happened or that the OP shouldn't be unhappy with what happened and that the OP shouldn't take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again, but seriously behaving like some terrible crime was committed... the OP didn't say it was part of bullying behaviour. What happened to not instantly thinking the worst of people? Maybe she thought she was being nice? Jesus. Just speak to her[/quote]
I am not saying it should have happened or that the OP shouldn't be unhappy with what happened and that the OP shouldn't take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again

@MrsTerryPratchett I do agree actually that it was inappropriate.

MorriseysGladioli · 10/09/2021 23:00

Hopefully, the manager will spend her weekend fretting that she overstepped the mark, and wondering if there will be repercussions.
Which gives the op the opportunity to play it down but ask politely that physical gestures are stopped.

CityCommuter · 10/09/2021 23:01

@Geppili she shouldn't have done that but sorry to say it you sound as difficult as 2 left feet...

JustBrowwsing · 10/09/2021 23:01

@Miseryl

She sees you as an influential trouble maker who doesn't like her so she was trying to break your influence on your colleagues by humiliating you in front of your colleagues. Basically bringing you down a peg or two.
Yep exactly.
MorriseysGladioli · 10/09/2021 23:02

There is no "but".
She shouldn't have done it.

Somuddled · 10/09/2021 23:03

It is irrelevant if the OP is difficult to work with. Hugging an employee when hey have asked you not too is way out of line.

OP a colleague of mine touched me right after I told him not to. It wasn't a hug, it was a pinch of my arm but it felt like such a violation as I had been so clear that I wasn't OK with it.

I went to HR, and the three people who witnessed me say 'don't touch me' also gave an account and the grievance was upheld. It was done and dusted in a matter of days.

You can't go around d the office touch people who don't want you too.

Houseplantmad · 10/09/2021 23:03

You said no before she did this and yet she forced herself upon you and your colleagues laughed? It sounds very a dysfunctional set up and I am guessing she feels threatened by you in some way and set out to humiliate you. Please report it so nobody else has to suffer this. Imagine if a man did the same…

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you sound difficult. There’s nothing wrong with plain speaking.

I hope you will be okay and strong enough to tackle it. Don’t resign on her account.

HannaHanna · 10/09/2021 23:07

A truly difficult employee would have done bodily harm to someone who grabbed them like that.

HannaHanna · 10/09/2021 23:09

I would also consider complaining anonymously in language that might be that of a bystander.

AlwaysLatte · 10/09/2021 23:10

That would make me angry at any time but during a pandemic it's just not on!

HollowTalk · 10/09/2021 23:12

Forgetting everything else for a moment, what she did in the aftermath of a pandemic when we still have hundreds of people dying each week was absolutely outrageous. For that reason alone she should be disciplined. But the fact that she hugged you tightly when you distinctly told her not to is appalling too. Does she think you have no autonomy? That her rights exceed your rights? I would report her.

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 10/09/2021 23:13

I would have been very angry in that situation.I probably would have very loudly said STOP TOUCHING ME. I hate random hugs, even well meant ones, let alone from someone I dislike.

winnieanddaisy · 10/09/2021 23:20

I hate being touched by ANYONE. My reflexes may have jumped in and she would have been slapped . Angry

Theythinkitsalloveritisnow · 10/09/2021 23:28

@JustBrowwsing I don't know why you're just copying bits from my posts, if you have a point to make please do, as at the moment I haven't got a fucking clue what your problem is

notanotherjacketpotato · 10/09/2021 23:28

It's weird and inappropriate. I think you need to raise it with her first then HR if you don't get a decent response - ie. apology and promise it won't happen again.

However, it's not professional to respond in the way you did either. Personal problems should be left at the door. If she breezed in and attempted to chat then saying "I have nothing to say" is rude.

I'm not sure you're ready to be back

NewlyGranny · 10/09/2021 23:35

This is not a resigning matter, it's a disciplinary one for her. Were you to resign, it could be interpreted as constructive dismissal and you could have a case to bring.

I hope it doesn't come to that. You had a non-consensual hug forced on you, and by a work superior at that.

She is a loose cannon and you are owed an apology!

JustBrowwsing · 10/09/2021 23:48

[quote Theythinkitsalloveritisnow]@JustBrowwsing I don't know why you're just copying bits from my posts, if you have a point to make please do, as at the moment I haven't got a fucking clue what your problem is[/quote]
Lol you keep replying to my posts, I was just pointing out that we’re basically in agreement. I wouldn’t have noticed your post at all but for the fact you addressed me directly in it!

FictionalCharacter · 10/09/2021 23:52

@leavesthataregreen It isn’t friendly and warm to hug someone forcefully when they’re trying to struggle away from you. It’s unwanted physical contact and bullying.

FantasticButtocks · 10/09/2021 23:54

@Geppili

She abused you in plain sight, using the light sing songy tones to make it seem harmless. Nasty bully.

In front of other people when, short of physically fighting her off you, there wasn't much you could actually do to stop her. She deliberately trampled all over your boundaries. She did it in front of an audience, she was totally disingenuous with her jolly breezy words trying to make it sound like she was being nice.... Of course you were upset!

Anyone saying you sound 'difficult to work with' or whatever is actually missing the point. Whatever you are like, difficult, easy, shy, engaging, standoffish, warm, whatever.. is completely irrelevant, it doesn't matter, and doesn't mean you deserved to be treated in that way. Thanks

She was totally in the wrong.

She sounds utterly vile.

MissyMooKins · 10/09/2021 23:58

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MorriseysGladioli · 11/09/2021 00:02

You've obviously never worked for social services then.

Saz12 · 11/09/2021 00:03

Fuck me, I’ve worked in some odd places but that’s insane. A uk social worker - so professional degree-level qualification required, and you’re manager thinks hugging whilst you say(in words and body language) “get the fuck away from me” is appropriate...???

Your reaction wasn’t the most effective, not your fault of course. (apparently...crying and shaking hours later whilst allowing if you happen at the time)... but what were your colleagues thinking /doing? I can’t imagine standing watching the boss forcibly hug a colleague and not attempting to intervene in A N Y workplace.

Complain to her. And HR. And if you’re not taken seriously complain some more...

JustBrowwsing · 11/09/2021 00:26

@Saz12

Fuck me, I’ve worked in some odd places but that’s insane. A uk social worker - so professional degree-level qualification required, and you’re manager thinks hugging whilst you say(in words and body language) “get the fuck away from me” is appropriate...???

Your reaction wasn’t the most effective, not your fault of course. (apparently...crying and shaking hours later whilst allowing if you happen at the time)... but what were your colleagues thinking /doing? I can’t imagine standing watching the boss forcibly hug a colleague and not attempting to intervene in A N Y workplace.

Complain to her. And HR. And if you’re not taken seriously complain some more...

There’s such a strong imperative not to lose your rag in a workplace situation, particularly with a superior. If someone did this to me in a work environment I would be completely blindsided and probably wouldn’t know how to react in the moment. I think the OP’s reaction is very relatable.
PastMyBestBeforeDate · 11/09/2021 00:49

I'm baffled that SW have such a poor understanding of consent and boundaries.

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