To resent enforced passive-aggressive hug from manager at work?

[Geppili]

Things have been difficult at work recently. I work in a busy Social Work Team. I love my job and enjoy the challenges. However, office politics have developed as they do. A new manager of mine seems to be quite a complex character. She SEEMS plausible and nice, but I have begun to find her behaviour difficult.

I tend to be quite forthright and outspoken and I think she knows that I don’t fully trust/like her. Gossip is rife about her and various jobs and promotions. I have recently returned from sick leave after a diagnosis of CPTSD.

This afternoon she breezed into a group of colleagues and tried to engage me in light banter. I made it clear I wasn’t really in the mood by saying I haven’t really anything to say. She then started squealing:

“Gepilli needs a hug! I’m going to hug you!”

I said “I really do not want a hug!”

She then embraced me forcefully fully enclosing me with her arms. I was stiff as a board as I had already said that I did not want a hug from her. She proceeded to hold me closely and tightly for as long as she could! Everyone else around us was laughing. I thought I was going to die from her invasion of space in-spite of me saying I did not want a hug. I felt frozen, sickened and deeply humiliated. I had to struggle free from her. Tonight I am shaking and crying. I want to put in a formal complaint against her. I’d be so grateful for insights or advice. Thanks.

She was wrong to force her hug on you like that and should have known better, so that’s not acceptable.

However, if you have begun to find her behaviours difficult as you said, I would stop listening to gossip/being passive aggressive and cold, and make a complaint about the behaviours if they’re unprofessional. That way things are dealt with appropriately.

You absolutely should complain. That is shocking behaviour. Are you in a union at all?

@GinIronic

Formal complaint. Your manager needs to understand boundaries. Personal space = my bubble - your bubble. She needs to understand that you don’t bully or humiliate people especially in front of an audience. Plus - has she not heard of Covid-19?

Exactly. Even in pre pandemic times this behaviour would be unacceptable, but in the current situation it is totally out of order.

Bullying dressed up as friendliness is vile, and no doubt some of your colleagues were probably cringeing as they silently looked on. If a man did this to you it would be tantamount to sexual harassment. Please don't let her get away with this s**t.

I’m shocked by some of the responses here.
The OP was assaulted at work by her manager. And some people seem to think that is normal or acceptable, or in some way the OP’s fault because you think she was was not sufficiently nice/compliant by your standards.

OP, I agree with a few others on here - report her for inappropriate contact with a focus on the infection risk. I hope you are OK

@MorriseysGladioli

I consider it covert bullying.

More like overt bullying!

It's a control thing - it infantilises you, it imposes her will on you when you explicitly stated it wasn't what you want, it humiliated you in front of colleagues and was deliberately done to show that she's the boss and you're the subordinate.

I would definitely report it because she will do it to others unless she's stopped in her tracks.

"I tend to be quite forthright and outspoken and I think she knows that I don’t fully trust/like her."

You are rude and have made it obvious that you don't like her.

You say she 'seems plausible and nice' and don't mention anything she has done wrong, other than the hug, so I am a bit confused about why you are giving this new manager such a hard time.

"This afternoon she breezed into a group of colleagues and tried to engage me in light banter. I made it clear I wasn’t really in the mood by saying I haven’t really anything to say."

Again, I am confused about why you'd respond to light workplace conversation in such a rude way.

Honestly, up to that point, I thought you sounded like a bully and felt sorry for her starting a new job with such an unwelcoming person on the team.

Obviously, the hug was out of order. She did invade your personal space and it must have been incredibly awkward for everyone. She was really saying that you were in a horrible mood and just needed a hug to feel happier.

On balance, from the little I've read here, bearing in mind we don't know how your approach to her has made her feel, I'd say there was fault on both sides. You felt belittled but don't you think she might have felt that way when she tried to chat and you said you had nothing to say, or on any of the occasions you were 'forthright'. Personally, I'd have a private chat to her - tell her you hated the hug and considered a complaint to HR, and will do so if anything like that happens again.

Surely in most jobs, it's inappropriate to hug your staff, unless you are absolutely certain they would welcome the gesture. It's inappropriate to decide that someone's in a bad mood and needs jollying out of it. It's inappropriate to try to do that by hugging them, even more so when they've specifically said not to touch them. And it's even worse to do all this with an audience, to a staff member who's recently come back from sick leave, especially with CPTSD.

So many, many levels of inappropriate. I'd complain through HR, formally.

@Geppili

To answer your question- I get the impression that you might be difficult to work with based on these words of yours-

‘A new manager of mine seems to be quite a complex character. She SEEMS plausible and nice, but I have begun to find her behaviour difficult.

I tend to be quite forthright and outspoken and I think she knows that I don’t fully trust/like her’

You say she comes across plausible and nice (until the hug incident presumably) but you find her behaviour difficult anyway.

Also, why would she know you don’t like or trust her? How are you behaving that would make her know this? You say she is a new manager and you have only recently returned to work- up until the hug incident, why had you taken a dislike (and shown it in some way) to a new manager that you didn’t know well?

Is it the gossip you were listening to?

I completely agree that the enforced hug was out of line and weird but the whole work situation sounds toxic and you don’t put yourself across in a good light either.

You did ask. Presumably if you are so very forthright and honest yourself, you appreciate this in others too.

The shaking and crying at home does seem an overreaction to me- but this could be part of your condition. It makes me wonder if your kids witnessed it and the effect it might have on them and also how you’re able to work in such a tough field if an (admittedly, out of order) unwanted hug from a silly new manager reduced you to crying and shaking.

I do not see this as bullying, being a one-off, or as assault, but rather unprofessional, excruciatingly unwise and a total misreading of a situation.

I also think it takes a bit of courage to walk up to a group of colleagues, as a new manager in an established team, and try to start a light-hearted chat. I just can't understand why your response to that would be to say that you have nothing to say. Did you expect her to awkwardly back away, or ignore you and keep chatting to everyone else as if you hadn't just been very rude to her?

I guess you will know, in your heart, whether this situation warrants a formal complaint against her, whether she will herself raise any complaints against you and so on.

I had a female manager who only hugged and said hello or goodbye affectionally to a select few of her staff...initially looked sweet but actually was a massively controlling technique to let you know where you were in the pecking order....SW office .

@ginandbearit

I had a female manager who only hugged and said hello or goodbye affectionally to a select few of her staff...initially looked sweet but actually was a massively controlling technique to let you know where you were in the pecking order....SW office .

We're they her friends, the people she saw socially outside work?

Or maybe the people she knew for certain would welcome a hug? This thread has shown that you definitely can't assume that a hug would be welcome or even tolerated.

The focus on OP here reminds me so much of some of the stuff we deal with in school with regard to bullying and peer on peer abuse.

Let me add my voice to those saying it doesn’t matter what she’s like to work with (and for what it’s worth doesn’t sound bad to me) it’s ok not to want to join in chat at work for whatever reason—you never know what’s going on in someone’s life and I’m always careful not to jolly people along especially in Covid times when there’s so much going on people don’t share.

Actually it’s very distressing to be touched against your expressed wishes in such a way. I’m not surprised she froze at the time and reacted afterwards—how awful to judge her for crying! This is why women don’t report stuff.

I was interested enough to read the relevant section of my own employment handbook. It says all unwanted touching should be reported. I think, therefore, that you should report it and let HR investigate and decide the outcome. At the end of the day it doesn't matter what mn thinks really. HR are trained to deal with such things and will do so impartially.

four no they weren't all friends , she kept a tight clique around her and used hugs and signs of favour to keep her 'gang' in line , as not getting a hug showed you were out of favour. There was a set of us who were never hugged or invited to drinks at hers, most of us didnt care but some staff felt put out or hurt...I think if you're a manager you hug all or none at all ..preferably the latter .

@cunningartificer
I don’t think anyone has condoned the unwanted hug.

But there’s no harm in looking at the bigger picture here- it’s healthier to be aware of and reflect on your own behaviour.

Comments are based on the op’s own words and it’s quite clear there are two sides to every story.

And she is a social worker- resilience is part of the job description surely?

Personally I wouldn’t be going to HR as not much will come of it, however I would be sending her a strongly worded email explaining how you feel and how unprofessional her behaviour was!

She was definitely wrong to do it and I do think it was possibly a display of dominance after you were dismissive of her in front of others. But she was also possibly just (awkwardly) trying to make a very awkward situation better and you were the reason the situation was awkward - why were you so rude to her? I can't imagine ever being so rude to anyone, let alone a manager who was simply trying to engage me in conversation. Did you actually say "I don't have anything to say"? Even if you don't care for her she's a colleague and you said she "seems" perfectly nice and plausible to your face, so unless she was behaving negatively towards you you really should make an effort to be polite and friendly. I appreciate you obviously have a lot going on and she should be mindful of that but the way you describe yourself (forthright etc.) makes me think you're hard to work with regardless.

That said the hug was still out of order and weird.

Reading about the hug made me uncomfortable. It wasn't a one to one situation, it was done in front of colleagues and in a very performative way and very much feels like bullying or trying to put you in your place @Geppili

I would do as others have suggested, speak to her face to face if you feel able but follow this up with an email reinforcing that boundary and ask that it doesn't happen again.

To address a couple of the points made.

Firstly, social work is all about boundaries. Respecting and enforcing good boundaries and helping others to find theirs. Your manager has shown spectacularly poor judgment in this respect. How can we teach kids and vulnerable adults that they control who does and does not physically touch them if we can't respect that ourselves!

Secondly, for those saying the OP sounds difficult to work with because she can be forthright and outspoken, that's literally her job!

Good social workers are not the wallflowers who get talked over and just say yes to everything. They're the ones who can get their point across, strongly advocate for people and who are willing and able to stand firm and sometimes, be bloody awkward.

That does sometimes make them a bit trickier to manage as they can't just switch that on and off. That isn't a bad thing and it's time we all stopped being so compliant and passive at work.

You were assaulted. If someone had randomly hugged you in the street, you’d have pushed them off. Self defense. The work context caused you to freeze. That does not imply consent to be hugged and your boss knows that full well. I would report the assault on Monday and not return to work until there is a guarantee you will be nowhere near your abuser. That’s what she is.

It's irrelevant how hard work or rude OP is or isn't. There are ways to deal with that. Professional ways. There is also a time and place. Giving unwanted hugs isn't one of them. I would expect better from a manager. It turns out that OP was right not to trust this woman, because her way to deal with behaviour she didn't like was to trample all over OP's boundaries.

I'd rather work with OP than her manager.

Managers should refrain from hugging, period.

"That does sometimes make them a bit trickier to manage as they can't just switch that on and off. That isn't a bad thing and it's time we all stopped being so compliant and passive at work."

You don't have to be rude in order to be taken seriously at work. I find it possible to make decisions, feel respected within my team and stand up for myself when necessary. I am also able to respond professionally when someone I'm not fond of approaches me for a casual conversation.

No-one is condoning the unwanted hug. But as a separate issue, op's own words here make her sound difficult to work with to some.

If she was a bloke then she may as well just ask for her P45 now. Why is this behaviour more acceptable from a woman? You made is explicitly clear that you didn’t want physical contact and she breached that - and not just briefly either. That’s assault.

Thank you so much for all your replies! I'm appreciate each and every one of them.

So much blaming of the victim. The situation was not awkward because it the OP, it was awkward because her manager busted into a non-work conversation and tried to take it over. Obviously trying to force OP to engage, resulting in her replying “I don’t have anything to say.”

That’s not rude, it’s just honest. If she did not feel like talking, especially recently off mental health leave, attempting to force her is the problem, not her response to the attempt. When someone is trying to make you perform for them they way they like, there is nothing wrong with rebuffing. Them.