Page 6 | To resent enforced passive-aggressive hug from manager at work?

Original poster

Geppili · 11/09/2021 14:17

It did feel like an assault. I posted for that reason. To see if it was me being sensitive. I have been properly assessed, declared fit for and been graduated back in to work. When I described myself as forthright and outspoken, what I meant is: I don't suffer fools gladly. In addition, I take my profession very seriously and maintain professional standards in my behaviour to clients and colleagues alike. I am also not someone who enters into office politics/banter. I like to focus. Thank you again. I feel very supported by all of you taking tome to reply.

OP posts:

Original poster

Geppili · 11/09/2021 14:21

@peachycream31 thanks. That is exactly what I think.

OP posts:

NurseButtercup · 11/09/2021 14:24

@peachycream31

Managers should refrain from hugging, period.

This

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 11/09/2021 14:34

Anyone is entitled to reject physical contact from anyone else. In fact, hugs from managers are a thing I'd shy from in any circumstances, and as a manager I'd never behave in such a way. Aside from anything else it's unprofessional.

I'm at a loss to understand what an ease of ability (or otherwise) to work with OP has to do with anything As long as she maintains appropriate professionalism and does her job properly, what other people think to her personally is neither here nor there. She's not there to make friends or engage in banter, she's there to work. As are they.

The cPTSD diagnoses makes this especially unconscionable. I have this too, OP, so I sypmathise.

Some PPs on this thread have very funny ideas of professional standards.

tigger1001 · 11/09/2021 14:36

@peachycream31

Managers should refrain from hugging, period.

Agreed. I don't like to be hugged by people I don't know well, and would hate it at work. I would have been upset too, especially with others laughing.

I deserve to have my boundaries respected in the work place, as did op.

And boundaries aside for a second - social distancing??

chocolateorangeinhaler · 12/09/2021 08:08

You openly describe yourself as forthright. Maybe your attitude comes across as know it's all bitch. Have you ever considered that?

She's the boss you're not. Do what you're asked within the rules. Don't listen to gossip about her - would you find it professional if she listens to gossip about you? Don't go thinking people don't, everyone talks about everyone at work.

I think the hug was inappropriate but your comment to her was rude and flippant. She's just letting to know what you can do with your clever comments. She's killing you with kindness, she doesn't want you there.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 12/09/2021 08:20

You openly describe yourself as forthright. Maybe your attitude comes across as know it's all bitch. Have you ever considered that

Even if this is true, why does it justify the hug? And there is no requirement to engage in banter at work, especially if you are having a bad day. The boss is at fault here on both counts not the OP.

OurMamInHavianas · 12/09/2021 08:21

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You openly describe yourself as forthright. Maybe your attitude comes across as know it's all bitch. Have you ever considered that?

She's the boss you're not. Do what you're asked within the rules. Don't listen to gossip about her - would you find it professional if she listens to gossip about you? Don't go thinking people don't, everyone talks about everyone at work.

I think the hug was inappropriate but your comment to her was rude and flippant. She's just letting to know what you can do with your clever comments. She's killing you with kindness, she doesn't want you there.

Victim blaming at its finest. You sound like quite a bully. Are you the OP’s boss?

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 12/09/2021 08:22

OP I am not sure how to deal with this going forward but it might be worth keeping a diary of any other incidents like this, together with details of any witnesses, and then if you do ever decide to make a complaint, you have the evidence.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 12/09/2021 08:38

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You openly describe yourself as forthright. Maybe your attitude comes across as know it's all bitch. Have you ever considered that?

She's the boss you're not. Do what you're asked within the rules. Don't listen to gossip about her - would you find it professional if she listens to gossip about you? Don't go thinking people don't, everyone talks about everyone at work.

I think the hug was inappropriate but your comment to her was rude and flippant. She's just letting to know what you can do with your clever comments. She's killing you with kindness, she doesn't want you there.

Maybe the lighthearted banter she was trying to engage OP in was completely inappropriate or it made OP uncomfortable. Have you ever considered that?

"I have nothing to say" is not rude or flippant. No one has to engage in banter if they don't want to.

And nowhere in management training is "give them an unwanted hug" given as a tool to deal with those you manage, no matter how hard work they are.

She is a shit manager and possibly a shitty person. This incident shows OP had every reason not to trust her .

SoupDragon · 12/09/2021 09:36

This has been picked up by the press. I saw it in "Birmingham Live" (via Apple News) this morning.

MorriseysGladioli · 12/09/2021 11:27

Bastards.
They pick their stories to cause most distress I think.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/09/2021 11:34

You openly describe yourself as forthright. Maybe your attitude comes across as know it's all bitch. Have you ever considered that.

Put your misogyny (and nasty, pejorative terminology commonly used against any woman who dares to speak out of turn) away, dear. Someone might trip over it.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 12/09/2021 12:13

"Maybe the lighthearted banter she was trying to engage OP in was completely inappropriate or it made OP uncomfortable. Have you ever considered that?"

I assumed op would have told us if it was.

""I have nothing to say" is not rude or flippant. No one has to engage in banter if they don't want to."

I think it's a rude thing to say to a work colleague who is trying to chat to you.

This, coupled with op's 'forthright' personality, and the fact that op has made it clear that she doesn't like or trust her new manager, despite the fact that the manager seems 'plausible and nice' makes op sound very difficult I think.

However, the hug was outrageously inappropriate. Not assault imo, but very very unwise. The manager made two mistakes really - trying to win op over with friendly conversation, and then the hug.

Have you decided what to do op?

MorriseysGladioli · 12/09/2021 12:50

www.geppsolicitors.co.uk/site/blog/employmentlaw/when-does-hugging-become-unacceptable-behaviour

Polkadots2021 · 12/09/2021 13:03

@Geppili

Things have been difficult at work recently. I work in a busy Social Work Team. I love my job and enjoy the challenges. However, office politics have developed as they do. A new manager of mine seems to be quite a complex character. She SEEMS plausible and nice, but I have begun to find her behaviour difficult.

I tend to be quite forthright and outspoken and I think she knows that I don’t fully trust/like her. Gossip is rife about her and various jobs and promotions. I have recently returned from sick leave after a diagnosis of CPTSD.

This afternoon she breezed into a group of colleagues and tried to engage me in light banter. I made it clear I wasn’t really in the mood by saying I haven’t really anything to say. She then started squealing:

“Gepilli needs a hug! I’m going to hug you!”

I said “I really do not want a hug!”

She then embraced me forcefully fully enclosing me with her arms. I was stiff as a board as I had already said that I did not want a hug from her. She proceeded to hold me closely and tightly for as long as she could! Everyone else around us was laughing. I thought I was going to die from her invasion of space in-spite of me saying I did not want a hug. I felt frozen, sickened and deeply humiliated. I had to struggle free from her. Tonight I am shaking and crying. I want to put in a formal complaint against her. I’d be so grateful for insights or advice. Thanks.

Jesus she is a nightmare and yes you should 100% report her. Her invading your space, making you feel humiliated and upset and doing so against your wishes is appalling behaviour. As a manager this is like Managing 101 in exactly what not to do. Go to HR pronto!!

Polkadots2021 · 12/09/2021 13:05

@Geppili

It did feel like an assault. I posted for that reason. To see if it was me being sensitive. I have been properly assessed, declared fit for and been graduated back in to work. When I described myself as forthright and outspoken, what I meant is: I don't suffer fools gladly. In addition, I take my profession very seriously and maintain professional standards in my behaviour to clients and colleagues alike. I am also not someone who enters into office politics/banter. I like to focus. Thank you again. I feel very supported by all of you taking tome to reply.

Btw you sound like the kind of person I'd really like to share an office with!

Original poster

Geppili · 12/09/2021 13:17

"know it's all bitch" Whether I am or not, your grammar is poor.

OP posts:

Original poster

Geppili · 12/09/2021 13:18

@Polkadots2021 thank you so much for your reply.

OP posts:

Original poster

Geppili · 12/09/2021 13:24

I think that I am going to send an email to her explaining how it made me feel and ask her to respect my physical space. I am so grateful to all of you who have taken time and thought to reply. I am going to draft an email once I have exercised the DC.

OP posts:

MorriseysGladioli · 12/09/2021 13:27

I think that seems the best way to deal with it.
Good luck!

Original poster

Geppili · 12/09/2021 13:43

@MorriseysGladioli thanks so much for your supportive and intelligent comments.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 12/09/2021 13:59

@Ibizan

Hmmm, I think there is a much more constructive way to handle it. Just tell her.

Send an invite with a heading “quick chat”. Then say to her “I understand it was meant with good intentions, however can I ask that you simply do not hug me. It felt to me as a gross invasion of privacy, in addition to being quite patronizing in the circumstances. Glad we got it sorted so quickly”. Then walk out and send a prepared email to her basically writing what you have just said.

She’ll apologize and never do it again

I like this.

I had a manager like this. She would grab my wrist as if I were going to run away like a bolting toddler! It was frankly embarrassing. She’d also continually touch me and insist on sitting next to me rather than on the other side of the desk. I found it very odd and it really wound me up. I loathe being touched except by my dh. In my case, I felt able to tell her I didn’t like being touched and could she please stop. She apologised and did, but your manager sounds like she needs a stronger word.

Original poster

Geppili · 12/09/2021 14:10

@Cherrysoup I agree. I am going to do this. Sorry to hear you had a manager like this.

OP posts:

Foolsrule · 12/09/2021 20:24

I’d write the email but I’d BCC HR.