To resent enforced passive-aggressive hug from manager at work?

[Geppili]

Things have been difficult at work recently. I work in a busy Social Work Team. I love my job and enjoy the challenges. However, office politics have developed as they do. A new manager of mine seems to be quite a complex character. She SEEMS plausible and nice, but I have begun to find her behaviour difficult.

I tend to be quite forthright and outspoken and I think she knows that I don’t fully trust/like her. Gossip is rife about her and various jobs and promotions. I have recently returned from sick leave after a diagnosis of CPTSD.

This afternoon she breezed into a group of colleagues and tried to engage me in light banter. I made it clear I wasn’t really in the mood by saying I haven’t really anything to say. She then started squealing:

“Gepilli needs a hug! I’m going to hug you!”

I said “I really do not want a hug!”

She then embraced me forcefully fully enclosing me with her arms. I was stiff as a board as I had already said that I did not want a hug from her. She proceeded to hold me closely and tightly for as long as she could! Everyone else around us was laughing. I thought I was going to die from her invasion of space in-spite of me saying I did not want a hug. I felt frozen, sickened and deeply humiliated. I had to struggle free from her. Tonight I am shaking and crying. I want to put in a formal complaint against her. I’d be so grateful for insights or advice. Thanks.

I am so sorry this happened to you, it is dreadful.

You could certainly complain..you don't have to. You should write it all down very carefully so you can reflect.

In my workplace we have harassment advisers, maybe you can access something similar?

• You are within your rights not to want a hug - especially forced(!) - from your boss and in front of colleagues. The extent of your reaction to it, and the fact that this reaction has been quite long (it started when you froze and hasn't actually stopped yet because you're discussing the incident) suggests that things aren't as ok with you as you'd believed/hoped. (Corrected the non-sensical typos!)

She should not have hugged you, I had to look up CPTSD, but presumably she knows how this manifests itself. Even to the uneducated that seems completely inappropriate. I think it would be appropriate to chat to HR.

I'm going to have a go at the next part trying not to victim blame, From a professional standpoint have you thought about how you might present when you say you are forthright and direct and evidently don't like her?

It's equally inappropriate for employees to be defamatory about her. Avoid getting dragged into that by overtly distancing yourself from those that do.

Thank you so much for each and every reply. I will post more. Just juggling DCs and bedtime. All your input is really helping me to clarify how I should proceed. My heart jumped when I saw the phrase covert bullying! Thats exactly how it felt.

@MorriseysGladioli this is exactly how it felt and why I think I feel so upset. It felt like malignant or manipulative behaviour. I would never put name to it. Thank you.

I can honestly tell you from personal experience and from that of people l know, going to HR rarely results in an outcome you will be happy with.

I suggest having a quiet word with her; say you appreciate she may meant well but you value your personal space and are not keen on hugs.

[quote Geppili]@leavesthataregreen thanks for replying. You could well be right. I feel so upset because she just did not listen to me at all. She she might have been trying to be friendly, but she showed me zero professional respect for my expressed feelings to NOT want her to hug me. She kept squeezing me even though I was rigid. [/quote]
I completely agree with you. It's very unprofessional and poor boundaries. Above all, not listening to you was a big error of judgement. But it could be brash rather than manipulative. Though if you felt bullied, your instincts could well be right.

@TSSDNCOP thanks.

From a process perspective I assume you have a grievance policy?

The first step will be an informal conversation stating you did not invite, want or appreciate her physically invading your personal space. Remind her of your condition and ask her not to repeat it. Drop out an email summing your the conversation.

The alternative would be to bring in a mediator such as a more senior manager or HR.

If that does not resolve the matter the next step would be to lodge a formal grievance.

Gosh, yes, she acted inappropriately. It sounds as if she didn't like being asked not to do something and so just went ahead. She was taking control, putting herself in charge at that moment, and over-ruling you. I would've hated it too.

I used to hug managers (pre covid) they are male and I am not but we are all 40/50. However post covid I hug no one if not necessary and offer elbows. Anyone breaching that boundary is pretty Damn rude!

It's even assault (battery -intentional inflicting an unwanted touch-that offence doesn't need any harm caused to be criminal) though probably best not to mention that.

Good lock OP, please try and enjoy some small pleasures this weekend to regain your equilibrium.

@countdowntonap top marks. You clearly are to empathy what bricks are to windows.

But you don’t sound easy to work with.

This

This is your ...... manager?

She sounds totally weird.

No OF COURSE she can't touch you like that.

YES speak up.

Awful. I'd have pinched her.

And it's not even very covert, the bullying.

If someone isn't easy to work with, I'm sure managerial guidance isn't to give them a great big unwanted hug.

She definitely crossed the line, however I agree with pp who said you don't sound like you're the easiest to work with.. I'd make a complaint if you're comfortable with the potential repercussions.. She definitely crossed a line.

It doesn't actually matter if the OP is a delight or not.

She's has CPTSD and refused physical contact. Physical contact was then forced on her. In a bloody SW department FGS. Her manager isn't fit for the role.

Yes! Exactly that!

So what if the OP is not easy to work with though? What if it’s true, that makes this unwanted touching ok?

Has she heard of Covid?

I would be fucking incandescent with rage if someone did this.
I would say on the next occasion, that if she invades your personal space again you will make a complaint to line manager, Covid not withstanding, at no point to you accept being manhandled by a stranger within your work space

@seaandsandcastles

If you are “forthright and outspoken” then you are rude.

Sorry, that's just not true. I am both of those things, but I'm diplomatic and never rude.