To resent enforced passive-aggressive hug from manager at work?

[Geppili]

Things have been difficult at work recently. I work in a busy Social Work Team. I love my job and enjoy the challenges. However, office politics have developed as they do. A new manager of mine seems to be quite a complex character. She SEEMS plausible and nice, but I have begun to find her behaviour difficult.

I tend to be quite forthright and outspoken and I think she knows that I don’t fully trust/like her. Gossip is rife about her and various jobs and promotions. I have recently returned from sick leave after a diagnosis of CPTSD.

This afternoon she breezed into a group of colleagues and tried to engage me in light banter. I made it clear I wasn’t really in the mood by saying I haven’t really anything to say. She then started squealing:

“Gepilli needs a hug! I’m going to hug you!”

I said “I really do not want a hug!”

She then embraced me forcefully fully enclosing me with her arms. I was stiff as a board as I had already said that I did not want a hug from her. She proceeded to hold me closely and tightly for as long as she could! Everyone else around us was laughing. I thought I was going to die from her invasion of space in-spite of me saying I did not want a hug. I felt frozen, sickened and deeply humiliated. I had to struggle free from her. Tonight I am shaking and crying. I want to put in a formal complaint against her. I’d be so grateful for insights or advice. Thanks.

She us so out if order. I do not blame you.

I think its bullying too. Ignore everyone who says you are over sensitive, rude, unhinged ffs! You can stand up for yourself and know your own boundaries, never let anyone make you feel bad for that, they wouldn't if you were male.
There is a fine, probably none existent line between banter and bullying. Playing to the audience and invading your personal space against your will is bullying. Laughing at your discomfort and encouraging others to laugh at you is bullying. You are in a state now because you know its bullying but its all dressed up as banter, just being friendly. Please complain, even to her in private and don't resign because of her.

There will be policies and procedures which set out very clearly what is acceptable with regards to banter, teasing, joking and anything else that could be construed as bullying.
Not one of them will suggest it is ever acceptable to put your hands on anyone .

Regardless of situation and personal circumstances, she had no right to hug you when you specifically said you did not want a hug. You did not consent.

I used to work for a large, well known clothing company and the owner/founder used to force hugs on people. And he has since been forced to resign as it has been deemed inappropriate and it was going to court. His resignation meant the people decided not to proceed. He did do other things, not just hugs, such as sitting on people's laps without asking and other touching (not sexual, just inappropriate).

So you have every grounds for a complaint if you wish to make one.

On these kinds of posts, there are always so many replies along the lines of it being terrible, definitely you must make a formal complaint....but from my reading of the OP it doesn't sound like bullying, just a misreading of the situation. Surely the best thing is to just speak to the manager about the situation and how it made you feel? Sure if she ignores your concerns and continues behaving in ways that make you uncomfortable then go further with it, but you have work with people, and constantly getting into confrontations with people just generally makes for an unhappy workplace.

@LimeRedBanana

This afternoon she breezed into a group of colleagues and tried to engage me in light banter. I made it clear I wasn’t really in the mood by saying I haven’t really anything to say.

The bizarre, ostentatious hugging is just odd. But this bit ^^ jumps out at me.

It very much reads to me like you’re not ready to be back at work. At all.

Yes.

It sounds like you were offhand/rude, and embarrassed her by being openly dismissive.

Her response however was totally inappropriate and aggressive and sounds like it was motivated by not wanting to let you be seen to get the better of her.

She was looking for a way to not lose face.

You were rude but her behaviour was unprofessional and totally on another level. I would be disgusted if a manager did this. It’s a complete violation, and totally inappropriate. Possibly assault??

I think she was simply trying to do the killing you with kindness thing. She is probably well aware of the gossip and judgemental people...

Thanks for all these replies.

I don't have CPTSD and I too would feel such a hug as almost an assault - especially after you made it clear you do not want it. If you didn't say it, then maybe, just maybe it could have been written off as a spectacularly bad reading of the situation on her part. However, you did say you didn't want a hug and she still imposed herself physically to you against your will. Personally, I would have gone ballistic and would definitely feel it as an attempt to humiliate me/physically overpower me.

I am very sorry it happened and I would advise you to consider a conversation with the HR.

@Theythinkitsalloveritisnow

On these kinds of posts, there are always so many replies along the lines of it being terrible, definitely you must make a formal complaint....but from my reading of the OP it doesn't sound like bullying, just a misreading of the situation. Surely the best thing is to just speak to the manager about the situation and how it made you feel? Sure if she ignores your concerns and continues behaving in ways that make you uncomfortable then go further with it, but you have work with people, and constantly getting into confrontations with people just generally makes for an unhappy workplace.

The OP said, “I really do not want a hug!”

If a qualified SW misreads that, she should probably get a new job.

@JustBrowwsing and there's a perfect example!
A complete violation, possibly assault no less.

How do people like you function in the real world where not everyone has your feelings at the front of their mind at every moment?

OP, to me your reaction seems like a symptom of CPTSD. Her action was not welcomed by you but if you were feeling strong and rational you'd see it's possible that she was trying to be friendly and warm and spectacularly misread what you needed and wanted.
No, this reaction is to your boundaries being ignored. You were clear in not wanting your space invaded and it was ignored, this is not a misunderstanding.

To be crying and shaking because you were given an unwanted hug seems like a very big physical reaction with underlying triggers. You sound like you need more time and more support.
I had a colleague that used to hug me against my wishes and I started to have panic attacks. I always told him I wasn’t a hugger and this wasn’t respected. I would dread going back into work after annual leave or being off ill because I knew what was coming. He would also do it publicly and I felt humiliated.

I reported it and it made life better. He was clearly told that his behaviour is not acceptable and that any follow up in terms of continuing the behaviour or awkwardness towards me could lead to a dismissal. Nobody has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your workplace.

My post was synonymous with this But you don’t sound easy to work with.

Would be interested to see the OP’s full work history.

What has that got to do with a co-worker hugging someone who has clearly stated they don't want one?

[quote Theythinkitsalloveritisnow]@JustBrowwsing and there's a perfect example!
A complete violation, possibly assault no less.

How do people like you function in the real world where not everyone has your feelings at the front of their mind at every moment?[/quote]
This was her manager and a fellow SW. It's not the 'real world'. It's a department of people who are supposed to know about human behaviour and feelings.

If someone blocks a toilet, whatever, not everyone is a plumber. If a plumber blocks my toilet you wouldn't say, "well not everyone understands toilets" No, not everyone does but a plumber bloody well should,

Ex-SW here.

I think if someone did that in our work, they would be called in to see HR.
At this stage in the pandemic I still check of its ok to sit within arms reach of someone.

@MrsTerryPratchett I do agree actually that it was inappropriate. Possibly my previous interactions with social workers have left me with low expectations of their behaviour I still think speaking to her first would be a better way to go tho, and pragmatically more likely for the OP to achieve the result she wants with the least amount of stress

Possibly my previous interactions with social workers have left me with low expectations of their behaviour

I was utterly delightful when I did it

She was wrong, creepy, and patronising. I would have struggled not to roughly push someone away if they tried to hug me after I'd said no. I'd definitely have a word with and make it clear that her behaviour was inappropriate and she needs to respect your boundaries. If that doesn't work, HR. I am also reasonably "forthright" at work and I don't like the false friendliness you get with this type of manager. It is often a case of them trying to control the situation, how others view them and you. She can't stand somebody not being as cheerful as she thinks she is, so she acts like an overbearing relative to a child. Real friendliness is great at work, but real friendliness is respectful and considerate. Her behaviour was neither.

This is from the citizens advice bureau regarding standards of behaviour expected by social services staff -
Harassment is unwanted behaviour which you find offensive or which makes you feel intimidated or humiliated.

Unwanted behaviour could be:

spoken or written words or abuse
offensive emails, tweets or comments on social networking sites
images and graffiti
physical gestures
facial expressions
jokes.

[quote Theythinkitsalloveritisnow]@JustBrowwsing and there's a perfect example!
A complete violation, possibly assault no less.

How do people like you function in the real world where not everyone has your feelings at the front of their mind at every moment?[/quote]
I’ve managed to make it to 40 with zero incidents of managers or colleagues getting in my space, touching me up or holding me in an embrace while I ask them to stop. In most workplaces it would be considered completely inappropriate.

Where on earth do you work?

@JustBrowwsing well firstly we only have the OPs version of what happened ( yes I know I'm going to get abuse for victim blaming blah blah) but I am not saying it should have happened or that the OP shouldn't be unhappy with what happened and that the OP shouldn't take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again, but seriously behaving like some terrible crime was committed... the OP didn't say it was part of bullying behaviour. What happened to not instantly thinking the worst of people? Maybe she thought she was being nice? Jesus. Just speak to her

If she is your manager and you’re returning to work after a diagnosis like that then she should be making allowances for you to help you adjust to your return.

What she did was quite the opposite. She was completely out of line.

She sees you as an influential trouble maker who doesn't like her so she was trying to break your influence on your colleagues by humiliating you in front of your colleagues. Basically bringing you down a peg or two.

I also work in a complex social work team (I don't think there's any that aren't complex 🤣) I also never reply to any of these threads, but I couldn't scroll and not respond to you.
As a SW we advocate and fight for our clients and their rights, but when it comes to ourselves we seem to back down. I hate confrontation in my personal life and back down all the time, Ive started questioning everything I do now and ask myself how I would respond if it was a client. We need to fight for ourselves as well.
Your manager was way out of line and needs to be informed of that. If they treat their colleagues in such an awful way, how would they treat a SU?

I'm really proud of you for being able to return to work from being sick and doing the job you do. Be proud of yourself x