Aibu to expect dh to cover looking after kids so I can attend work meeting

[Indecisivelurcher]

I am part time and finish at 3pm, do kids pick ups, sort dinner etc. Occasionally I am asked to attend a meeting that goes beyond 3pm. Aibu to expect dh to be able to help out? Normally he would be able to collect kids and stick telly on. On this occasion kids have something on after school that he'd have to take them to. I want to attend as its a face to face with colleagues I havent seen since pre-covid, and I'm running the meeting. The date is a recurring one so not easy to change, it's usually on teams and finishes before school, this is a longer one to accommodate face to face. I think dh should take 2hrs off and catch up the time. He is wfh. He thinks I shouldn't attend meeting. Who is being unreasonable?

it's a tough one. You work part-time so i guess that was a family decision? And you presumably did that to be a bit more flexible for the family. So this one occasion requires flexibility from your DH - and he doesn't want to?

I'd say that there are several things here.

One is that despite your flexi-time you have core hours and that any meetings requiring your presence must be discussed with you in advance and not just put in your calendar. Your management should be on board with this - however it is reasonable for you and your company that you do have some flexibility when there is advance warning and for your DH to also offer to step up. I do think it is a key point for your company to take your regular working time into consideration.

Alternative: you arrange some really ultra flexible ad-hoc childcare for things like this which are paid from the family budget.

Depending on what your family dynamic is like and how often this may happen, I'd consider going back full-time and sharing out family responsibilities and child care with your DH.

I will ask about after school club but I am not sure how fair that is on ds who isn't full time yet. His sister will look after him though.

Youf H would rather this than having an wmeasy conversation with his boss about ONE afternoon in 2 weeks time?

I’m afraid this would be strike 1 for me. It would change the way I saw dh and not for the good.

Go back and explain this to your h. That your meeting is really important as is the project and the team and that you have to be there.

Yanbu. You know this.

I think a lot of people are missing that this isn't really about DH not being prepared to support OP's job - normally he is quite happy to pick the DC up from school.

What he's not happy to do is take them to swimming.
This is not about DH being useless or thinking his job is more important that OP's.

It's about him thinking his job is more important than the children's swimming lesson.

And it's trying to make the swimming lesson happen that is making the OP tie herself up in knots.

The Op working part time is what facilitates the dc having swimming lessons at all. I realised my dc couldn't go to any clubs after school unless I was part time - the childminder wouldn't take them, we did try one lesson for a while that started at 5.30 and each of us made a mad dash on those days to collect the child and get to swimming (which is more a potentially life saving skill than a hobby) and no one, including the children, enjoyed it.

I would agree in this instance missing swimming seems the way forward, but the bigger picture is the changes to their working lives that mothers make in far greater numbers than fathers.

The Op working part time is what facilitates the dc having swimming lessons at all.

When we both worked full time we used to take the DC to swimming lessons on a Saturday morning (and alternate who took them).
And once the DC are a bit older clubs run more routinely in the evening so much easier for working parents.
Many younger DC are too tired to do much in the way of after school clubs anyway.

I don’t do clubs directly after school due to the impact it has on the evenings I have to work later, so my sons clubs start around 6:30 on the nights he has them. Can the swimming slot be moved so it doesn’t lead to either a loss of income or a wasted day of annual leave (if he can even get annual leave with only two weeks notice).

Another one saying he should do it. I put up with this from dh for years.Now I am older, I am putting up with this from my sister as my mum's carer because I don't have a career and am part time, which seems to translate as picking up all the shit jobs. No I am not bitter, much

Your meeting sounds very important- more important than his couple of hours of work. Yes, maybe he doesn't like to ask his boss but he seriously can't expect you not to attend a workshop you are running .

If he doesn't want to take the kids swimming, it's on him and not on you to cancel this event

He is BU and bloody ungrateful given your part-time job gives him the luxury of not generally having to worry about this juggle. I’d be furious.

I work full time as (lawyer, large company, head of a small legal team) and I pick up my kids from school once a week. I assume he has a phone? As if he can’t work through emails at swimming lessons and log on later if he needs to catch up. Sick of men needing absolute silence and a study with a mahogany desk in it to work. Ffs

Yes, I have threatened to go full time over the years just to piss everyone off and realise how much they'd have to do. They expect never to be inconvenienced, yet, when they want time off for themselves, it's as easy as pie

Yes I’ve been PR over the years and it’s shit, you do a full time job for a discount and the spent your “time off” doing endless laundry and household admin that bounces to you as the full time worker is Too Busy and Important to do it. Never again.

Sounds to me this is a one off meeting.

I work pt to accommodate kids. My job involves having to attend important meetings sometimes out of hours. My line mgr doesn’t expect me to join but I would miss out if I didn’t join. Non-important meetings we will rearrange to my working hours but there are things like this that will come up. My dh understands this and so will work with me so he can help me accommodate. The same goes the other way…I’ve had to swap working days to accommodate times my dh can’t pick up kids.

If your dh hasn’t even checked with his mgr then I think he’s being unreasonable. He can always explain the situation and see what his mgr says. My workplace are fairly flexible and I do loads of extra work so My mgr wouldn’t vat an eyelid at this as long as I didn’t have a meeting myself.

If your dh can’t swap then he’s not being unreasonable but in that case I’d skip the kids swimming…rubbish but they’ll be ok for one week.

PR = part time

Every FT working mother I know fantasises about having a wife.

He's being bloody ridiculous.

He could book a half day for a start.

But no, he expects the OP to look like a total flake so as he's not mildly inconvenienced.

As for posters banging on about the OP's "set hours", many jobs don't operate on a clocking in and out basis. And this is a one-off post lockdown face the face the OP is leading.

No wonder part time work is so undervalued going by some of these posts.

He's being an absolute dick!
He could be flexible pretty easily but he's choosing not to! He could make up the time at a different time but again, he's prioritising his job over yours - that's not very attractive in my book.
He's a parent too and he needs to step up. End of.

Assuming he is a white collar office worker (which I assume he is as is WFH that day anyway) of course he can bloody do it. It doesn’t sound like he’s rostered on to do heart surgery that day.

I'd be far more inclined to push back at work, given the circumstances, and not have an avoidable row about it at home. Generally though, while I always try to do the best job I can at work, I work to live rather than living to work, so YMMV.

In this case I would arrange the agenda to suit your working hours, and make it clear someone else will have to step in to chair for the last couple of hours on another topic. That way you get to see your colleagues and have their input on your project, but still get away at or very close to your contracted hours and your children won't miss out on their activity. I've no doubt there have been and will continue to be plenty of other opportunities to demonstrate you're not a clockwatcher or a jobsworth.

I'd be clear to DH that I'd taken a more creative approach in order to avoid the need to work beyond my contracted hours on this occasion but I would also expect him to understand that there may be other times when that may not be possible, and any suggestion on his part that his job is more important overall, or any hint that his "might go into the office that day" was making a point for making its sake/ just being arsey would necessitate a very important conversation. I'm making the assumption that he's not usually a complete dick over this kind of thing but only the OP can know that!

I completely disagree @VeryLongBeeeeep

In my experience (of my own husband and friends’ partners) men will default to presentism unless they are forced to work flexibly.

It’s bad for their work/life balance and it’s bad for their wives’ careers. DH is very hard working and diligent and I have had to force him to be more flexible by digging my heels in and always have “avoidable” rows.

OP’s contracted hours are till 3pm, meeting ends at 3pm, VeryLong.

It’s the commute vs WFH that is the different factor on this one occasion.

I would not be changing agendas to finish work early in a month where I was already pushing ‘flexitime’ to the limit (OP says she’s currently under her contracted hours for the month as it is).

Yes, her DH is also pushing his hours a bit this month but them’s the breaks in a month when a child starts Reception. Both parents work, both parents suffer a bit in September.

Can another mum pick up your DC and drop them back at yours when DH is working from home? In return for similar back from you, of course.

I'd put your course before one swimming lesson this time.

OP’s contracted hours are till 3pm, meeting ends at 3pm, VeryLong.

Ahh, I'd missed that - so it's the face to face element adding on a commute that's the issue. Fair enough then!

@VeryLongBeeeeep

OP’s contracted hours are till 3pm, meeting ends at 3pm, VeryLong.

Ahh, I'd missed that - so it's the face to face element adding on a commute that's the issue. Fair enough then!

TBH if OP has a job that requires sometimes working in her actual office which means the commute makes her too late to pick up her DC, then she needs a proper childcare arrangement to cover this. Not a "I'll see if my DH can fit it round his work" arrangement. It sounds as though they used to have a grandparent do pickups on these occasions, but can't do that any more. So they need to sort out proper alternative childcare. Because it's likely that this scenario will start occurring more frequently.

TBH if OP has a job that requires sometimes working in her actual office which means the commute makes her too late to pick up her DC, then she needs a proper childcare arrangement to cover this. Not a "I'll see if my DH can fit it round his work" arrangement.
Can I just adjust this a bit? If the parents have jobs that would make it impossible to pick up the dc, then they need a proper childcare arrangement to cover this.

@Tailendofsummer

TBH if OP has a job that requires sometimes working in her actual office which means the commute makes her too late to pick up her DC, then she needs a proper childcare arrangement to cover this. Not a "I'll see if my DH can fit it round his work" arrangement. Can I just adjust this a bit? If the parents have jobs that would make it impossible to pick up the dc, then they need a proper childcare arrangement to cover this.

Exactly.

"She needs.." Does she now? And he has noooo responsibility whatsoever.

Christ it's only 2 hours off course he should help out. Give them enough notice and say he can make them up another time. Unfortunately life doesn't match up with work all the time and a bit of realism is needed