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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect dh to cover looking after kids so I can attend work meeting

235 replies

Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 13:04

I am part time and finish at 3pm, do kids pick ups, sort dinner etc. Occasionally I am asked to attend a meeting that goes beyond 3pm. Aibu to expect dh to be able to help out? Normally he would be able to collect kids and stick telly on. On this occasion kids have something on after school that he'd have to take them to. I want to attend as its a face to face with colleagues I havent seen since pre-covid, and I'm running the meeting. The date is a recurring one so not easy to change, it's usually on teams and finishes before school, this is a longer one to accommodate face to face. I think dh should take 2hrs off and catch up the time. He is wfh. He thinks I shouldn't attend meeting. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 17:42

@Naunet
So why is it ok for OP, who has made bigger changes, to make another?

Presumably when she had the children they decided between them that op would go PT. Op has not said that she disagreed with that so I guess they're both happy. They have less money as a household, op has more hours to look after the children. They did a schedule of afterschool child care - 1 day ops husband, 3 days op. But ops not working on those afternoons. Both of them then had to make more changes to accommodate the settling pattern of their child starting school. Both of them have made changes. This meeting falls on ops childcare time. Ops husband has said he's working so he obviously feels he can't change any more hours. He doesn't work flexi.

I also don’t see where OP said her husband felt he couldn’t ask because he’d be pushing his luck?

She didn't use those words but she said...
manager who bends the rules himself and allows dh the same approach, within reason. The last 2 words being important.
Clearly has op has stressed the words within reason, she too accepts this is the crux point. So it's not a stretch to infer that ops husband believes he's reached the point of reason. Lol.

You also didn’t explain why he can’t just book two hours off?
Op doesn't say what his reasoning is about that but it's clear that he doesn't want to do that. Maybe because he's messed work round a bit changing his hours; maybe because he's used leave for other cover and it's eating into his allowance; maybe because this meeting us regular and he doesn't want to set a precedent. I don't know.

But what would your response be if all the hours were arranged and then ops husband decided he had a meeting to go to so op had to step away from her meeting, or keep messing her core hours around at work. You'd be saying he was very inconsiderate and didn't respect her career. But itscrxactly the same scenario.Certainly op wouldn't like it because she's already worried about how it will look if she doesn't go to the meeting. Isn't her husband allowed the same luxury of worrying about how his attendance will affect his job?

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 17:45

@Indecisivelurcher. Op, I know you're cross with him at the moment, but your husband is generally a good guy, isn't he? I've just realised I'm defending him quite a bit here and I don't want to waste my time if at the end of the thread you say he's abusive and you've wanted to leave him for ages!

Dixiechickonhols · 10/09/2021 17:48

Lots of jobs you can’t just request leave at short notice plus there will be minimum cover requirements - child free people often take hols now after summer holiday rush and they could be down staff if others are off with reception starters.

LannieDuck · 10/09/2021 17:50

I've just re-read, and it seems your normal hours are to 3pm. So actually you're justified in saying you need to work until 3pm that day and it's not outside your usual hours.

The difference is that you can't WFH for this meeting, which adds a commute time. You aren't asking your DH to cover for you because you're working outside your usual hours. You're doing your normal hours, but the commute on that day means that you won't be back in time for kiddie pick-up.

I think that puts it firmly in the space of a 'both of you' problem, rather than it just being your issue to solve.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 17:56

@Porridgealert he's a good guy. Our marriage wouldn't pass a full health check but isn't awful either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 18:07

If iabu then it's just fucking frustrating isn't it. I now can't attend a face to face meeting in my work hours because I can't get back to get the kids. I have to explain that to my work. And then try to meet this work need a different way on teams or whatever. Looking forward to my next appraisal...

I will ask about after school club but I am not sure how fair that is on ds who isn't full time yet. His sister will look after him though.

OP posts:
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 10/09/2021 18:20

I don’t think either of you are BU. It’s your work that are BU! What’s the point in being part time and finishing at 3pm, if you’re then having regular meetings that you have to be at after 3pm?! Just don’t accept the invite, block it out in your calendar so it doesn’t show you as available in scheduling assistant. Since you’re chairing it then cancel it and reschedule for when you’re working.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 18:22

@SweetBabyCheeses99 that's not what's happening here.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 10/09/2021 18:27

@Indecisivelurcher - I hope you'll make sure that you attend this meeting.

No point listening to posters who feel that clock watching and insisting to the letter on contracted hours is the way to get ahead...

There may come a point in the future when you'll have to rely on having a career and the salary that goes with it.

You son will be fine in after school club, so take that worry off the table.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 10/09/2021 18:35

No point listening to posters who feel that clock watching and insisting to the letter on contracted hours is the way to get ahead...

Does the OP actually want to ‘get ahead’ or is that just an assumption? Because I agree clock watching isn’t the way to achieve that but neither is working a very part time job. Perhaps the OP is content at the level she’s at and has made a conscious decision to prioritise time with her kids over career advancement.

Quartz2208 · 10/09/2021 18:35

Surely him quickly picking them up and missing swimming is easiest here then

It wont hurt anyone to miss one lesson

FlowerArranger · 10/09/2021 18:45

[quote Indecisivelurcher]@MayorGoodwaysChicken - oof! The big I am?! Having my cake and eating it?! I am bloody not!
Trying to maintain my career in a part time capacity while the kids are little, do the lions share of childcare, cooking and fair share of cleaning, and have a life of my own is a bloody juggle, compromises everywhere. The have your cake and eat it line is a load of crap.[/quote]
@MayorGoodwaysChicken - above comment and the one below suggest that OP is taking her career seriously, even though she has chosen to scale her hours back while her children are little.

I was asked, or 'invited' I suppose, by managers, to use this session to workshop a new project I'm leading, which is a bit innovative. So this is an opportunity to workshop the project and get input from wider colleagues. Which is difficult to do over teams. If I say I can't then then I suppose I feel its a missed opportunity for me.

Dyrne · 10/09/2021 18:46

@Indecisivelurcher

If iabu then it's just fucking frustrating isn't it. I now can't attend a face to face meeting in my work hours because I can't get back to get the kids. I have to explain that to my work. And then try to meet this work need a different way on teams or whatever. Looking forward to my next appraisal...

I will ask about after school club but I am not sure how fair that is on ds who isn't full time yet. His sister will look after him though.

But that’s not what’s happened here is it?

There is a perfectly workable solution - DH picks the kids up and brings them home so they have to miss one activity. Not perfect but certainly not a reason to throw your hands up and go “it’s impossible to be a working mum!”

Stop thinking you’re a bad mum for doing something that millions of other parents do.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 18:48

@MayorGoodwaysChicken no easy answer to that. Yes I did decide to go part time but didn't think it would be for many years. I would love to be further on in my career, I'm qualified and experienced, but there are few opportunities where I work (pay freezes and cuts) so I would have to leave. I am a bit stuck now as my job works well for life. I don't want my children in full wrap around care. I am more ambitious than dh but, well, I want to have my cake and eat it 😉

OP posts:
Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 18:48

Thanks @Indecisivelurcher. Phew.
Although I'm sympathetic to your husband, I feel you've been unfairly landed in it. That's what happens to PT workers. They definitely outwork their hours and can feel a bit insecure about their position. If you've got a good manager, though, they can see what's what. I would definitely go to the meeting, even if you don't stay for it all. People do understand about childcare and you sound like a proactive employee which every team needs. Hope it works out. Could you get your husbands boss to wheel your son round the golf course in his clubs bag for a couple of hours?! 😉 Sorry, too soon for a joke, I know.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2021 18:49

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

No point listening to posters who feel that clock watching and insisting to the letter on contracted hours is the way to get ahead...

Does the OP actually want to ‘get ahead’ or is that just an assumption? Because I agree clock watching isn’t the way to achieve that but neither is working a very part time job. Perhaps the OP is content at the level she’s at and has made a conscious decision to prioritise time with her kids over career advancement.

OP works 2 long days and 3 short days. She’s heading up a few projects - sounds fairly senior to me - one of which requires a kick-off workshop because it’s ‘quite innovative’. Again, sounds like it’s not a ‘very part time job’ to me.

But we all see what we want to see in posts on MN, depending on our own situations, I guess.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 10/09/2021 18:50

Thanks for your understanding posts @NoSquirrels

OP posts:
UserAtLargeAgain · 10/09/2021 18:54

I am a bit stuck now as my job works well for life. I don't want my children in full wrap around care.

I felt similar when my DC were in early primary school (you don't say how old your other DC is, but making the assumption that that's the same for you). However, my focus definitely shifted more towards work when my youngest got to 7 or 8 and simply running around after them became less exhausting (and I've heard other mothers say the same). It sounds like you're at least holding your position at the moment - you may well get to meet your work ambitions when your DC are a bit older. I guess that's as close to cake and eating it as most people get!

Gizlotsmum · 10/09/2021 18:56

My husband will always try to cover school runs if I need him too but he can’t always (not able to wfh so has to finish early take time off) as long as I give as much notice as possible we normally make it work, he might not be able to take them to an activity as needs to be available for work calls but will do his best. As long as notice has been given he should try to help out

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2021 18:57

@Indecisivelurcher

Thanks for your understanding posts *@NoSquirrels*
Several years on from you in ages and stages of DC and careers and battle-hardened to the give and take (and possibly projecting a little to points in the past…) Wine
Quartz2208 · 10/09/2021 19:10

I think you both need to sit down and say in this instance they need to miss swimming and he needs to work from home and pop out and collect as he always does. Its the perfect storm of unique circumstances which requires this one time

How old are your children? Do you have any friends who could drop them off at the house

spooney21 · 10/09/2021 19:48

I'd expect my dh to muck in and be flexible. We both work full time, me mostly from home and therefore do all school drop offs and am home when dc come home after school and I do most of ferrying around to clubs. My new timetable at works means I'm delivering a late/ evening course to parents once every 4 weeks and won't be home to get dc and bring them to their club. Dh will have to leave work early on those days. Tough really- he has never had to ask his employer for any child related accommodations before. He's taking 2 hours leave this time and may just work late the other times to make up the hours. I'd be pissed off if he couldn't work around it with several weeks notice. Not that it matters really but I earn more than him, so my salary is not insignificant to the household pot!

billy1966 · 10/09/2021 20:29

I think it is very poor for your husband not to do absolutely EVERYTHING he can to make this happen.

As for swimming lessons, not a chance woukd missing a couple be allowed to stress me like this.

OP, you are sacrificing too much if your husband hasn't got your back.
Flowers

Nayday · 10/09/2021 20:31

YANBU to ask, it's a one off meeting - it happens. And part time doesn't mean it's not a career role, thank goodness!
If your DH could take the time but doesn't want to - YANBU, if he's on thin ice with all the other juggling - you'll/him have to sort something else, go to a friend's after school etc. He would be massively unreasonable to be annoyed about them missing swimming in the latter scenario - your career takes priority over swimming.
Your career is important, I'd try and make alternative arrangements and miss swimming as a one off. If it's that important to him, he'll flex his time for that week. These are the juggling years!

Outbutnotoutout · 11/09/2021 08:17

He's had two weeks notice

He is being unreasonable

It's his kids too!!!

His work doesn't Trump yours, YOU are NOT less important.

Tell his to suck it the fuck up and parent his children..