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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:

Queenoftheashes · 10/09/2021 10:31

What an absolute cheek!

ImTheOnlyUpsyOne · 10/09/2021 10:32

@MichelleScarn

If you do anything for each other, why doesn't she do what you need?

Exactly this

Flobbertybillop · 10/09/2021 10:32

Don’t make excuses, be honest. She’s totally disrupting your routine, without a care for you.
Tell her the reason, and that she has to fit in with you or drive herself.

Tulips15 · 10/09/2021 10:33

Explain to your Uncle what you've said above.
Your cousin is not your problem, I would not compromise at all.

Droite · 10/09/2021 10:33

So she can drive but is nervous of it? The cure for that is doing the drive.

You need to tell her that if she wants a lift from you she has to work the same hours as you and that is non-negotiable. If she isn't there in time for you to arrive at 8, you will be leaving without her.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 10/09/2021 10:34

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

Well then your cousin can get to your house for 7 am.

Blanketpolicy · 10/09/2021 10:37

Communication is key in situations like this.

You are both adults, agree working hours and agree terms so the arrangement is mutually beneficial. If you can't agree then car sharing is simply not an option. End of story.

She needs to pay properly for the lifts (use an online car share calculator) or take turns driving. She needs to be there at the agreed times.

Nothing to do with your uncle. If he is going to infantise his dd and allow her not to make her own travel arrangements he needs to be the one to pick up the slack not you.

Nocutenamesleft · 10/09/2021 10:38

I would message it like

Oh. She’s doing so well at this job. I think it’s brilliant. Of course I’ll take her to work and home each day. It will be nice. The only thing is. She’d need to do the same hours as me. I’m sure she won’t have a problem with that!

See you soon!

Then it’s like you’re bending over backwards for her. Whilst not actually doing it.

notapizzaeater · 10/09/2021 10:41

She's an adult, if she wants to do 'her' hours she can drive herself !

MintyGreenDream · 10/09/2021 10:43

So she drives and you're getting put out everyday? Nip it in the bud now tell her she needs to drive herself.

LIZS · 10/09/2021 10:43

You are doing her a favour. Either she arrives in time for you to leave for your preferred hours or she makes her own way. If she is not there in time just go.

proudwomansexmatters · 10/09/2021 10:48

Dear uncle

More than happy to do the driving so cousin doesn't have to. However I start at 8. This means that she needs to be at my house no later than 7. If she wants to start work later no worries, but she will need to make her own way there and back.

Thanks.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 10/09/2021 10:48

Looks like it’s unanimous OP

Smackthepony · 10/09/2021 10:49

Jeez, the CF’ery of people never ceases to amaze me! I can’t even begin to get inside the mindset of people like this! They see ‘Mug’ written all over your forehead!

What are you going to OP?, spend your working life arranging your schedule around your cousin to ‘keep the peace’?

beautifullymad · 10/09/2021 10:49

She's cheeky but you are failing to establish firm boundaries.

Tell her yes you'll happily give her a lift. You leave at X am and if she'd like a lift she needs to be over to yours at X.
Do not wait at all. Turn off your phone the night before and do not turn on until you arrive at work. Make sure you always leave the house on time. She'll get the message soon enough.

Same for the return journey. You can give her a lift home to your house at X time. If she wants you to wait then you can say you have to be somewhere so you can't.

Rinse and repeat, don't give an inch but make sure she knows how happy you are to take her along with you.

She really should have considered how she was getting to work before accepting a job. She can't start dictating life times that aren't convenient to you!

MostlyNormalSometimesOdd · 10/09/2021 10:54

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other.....

Apart, it seems, from turning up on time

MrsFlinch · 10/09/2021 10:54

I’d be telling her that you will be leaving at 7am no ifs or buts and if she’s not there on time then you will leave regardless. Same for coming home. You started at 8 so will be finishing at 3, you will not wait for her if she hasn’t done her contracted hours.

You don’t need to justify it. Just tell her those are the hours that suit you best so it’s up to her whether she wants to continue with what you’ve offered otherwise it’s up to her to sort herself out.

If your uncle messages to bring her home, just reply sorry no can do, I’ll be finishing at 3pm.

Taytocrisps · 10/09/2021 10:57

I haven't read the full thread but YANBU. Apart from messing up your preferred working hours, how will she manage when you've a day off or you take time off during the summer?

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/09/2021 10:59

She’s taking the piss

Let her and uncle know you will be working 8-3 so leaving at 7 every morning

If she isn’t at yours you won’t wait

ChaToilLeam · 10/09/2021 10:59

What a CF! Has she been overindulged by her parents?

In any case, the world of work is an adult one and she needs to behave like one. If she wants a lift to work, then she falls in with your timetable and pays her share of petrol. Otherwise, she gets there under her own steam like everyone else.

Don’t let uncle poke his nose in either, he’s enabling this behaviour. He can step up and drive her if he is so concerned.

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2021 10:59

Tell her she either comes for when you want to leave or she makes her own way

Granllanog · 10/09/2021 10:59

YANBU

Make it clear that you are doing her a big favour in giving her a lift and that as such she needs to fit in with your preferred working hours!

bigbaggyeyes · 10/09/2021 11:00

Ha! Stay at work for 2 extra hours in a Friday? Urghhhh NO!

Tell your uncle you're busy so can't bring her home this time. Also tell him, and her that you'll give her a lift as long as she's at your house at 6:50am, if she's later than that then you'll be leaving, end of. Plus you'll be leaving work at X time, and the same rules apply.

If you come from a family that does everything for everyone, then she can do this for you.

Time for your big girls pants

DancesWithTortoises · 10/09/2021 11:01

DH had the same with a colleague. Work was meant to start at 8.30 but, by agreement, DH's group didn't sit at their desks until about 10 to 9, although they did sometimes have early meeting. To compensate they only took half an hour for lunch. But colleague's office started dead on 8.30 and he wanted to be there for 8.20.

Dh usually arrived at 8.30- 8.40and said he wasn't going to get there any earlier and maybe colleague should get the bus. He thought because he gave him petrol money from time to time that DH was his taxi - he even expected him to wait if he need to work over time.

The arrangement didn't last.

starfishmummy · 10/09/2021 11:01

Wow. So she can drive and presumably has her own car? So why is everyone pandering to her? Suggest that she practices the route on a Sunday morning when it's quiet.

If you continue to give her lifts then tell her (and her father) what your leaving time is and that if she is not there you will go without her. Normally I'd agree with requests for money towards the petrol but I would be wary of that because she will probably decide that it gives her "rights" about the timing.

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