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AIBU?

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Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
HotToddyColdSauvignon · 10/09/2021 09:22

Stand your ground OP!

GiveMeAUserName123 · 10/09/2021 09:22

Tell your uncle she will have to find her own way back as your not waiting an hour.

No way would I be a taxi service.

PatchworkElmer · 10/09/2021 09:22

Leave early today! Do not wait for her- she needs to work the same hours as you if she wants a lift. Simples.

girlmom21 · 10/09/2021 09:22

Definitely leave!

Tell her on Monday you'll be leaving at x time. If she's not there you'll leave without her.

Cocomarine · 10/09/2021 09:22

If your uncle texts, only reply, “I’ll text Cousin”. Don’t engage otherwise. I’d say ignore completely but I’m allowing for your discomfort at that, and family harmony.
Tell cousin she gets a lift on your hours only, and that you WILL leave without her. Mean it.

Howshouldibehave · 10/09/2021 09:23

I am happy to give her a lift as long as she is at my house by X and leaves work at y. If she doesn't want to do that then she needs to make her own arrangements

I would add ‘and contribute fairly to petrol costs’. I wouldn’t have done this with a family member or friend (mine wouldn’t behave like this) but they are being total piss takers so I would do it with them on principle.

Thecommentsmakemechuckle · 10/09/2021 09:23

She’s taking the P. I started a job at 16 where my mum worked and had to leave at 6am for her starting at 7am, I didn’t start until 8 so just took a book and read for the hour until my shift started, if I worked overtime I found my own way home or stayed with a family member in that town. I also contributed towards fuel. I’m curious as to why your uncle is messaging you saying he can’t pick her up rather than her speaking directly to you? Agree with above, she wants a lift, she gets to your house on time for when you are starting, it doesn’t matter that you ‘don’t have anything to be home for’ - that’s your chill time and it’s not up to anyone else to decide that’s not a good enough reason to be at home.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/09/2021 09:25

Yanbu at all! Why is your uncle getting involved?! Why are you expected to put yourself out but she isn't?
Let there be a 'backlash' - they sound pathetic.

ditalini · 10/09/2021 09:26

I was coming on to say that this family "do anything for you" rule only seems to go one way, but I see that's been said already!

YANBU. Your cousin is lazy. You're not preventing her getting a lift, she just needs to be able to get to you by the time you're ready to leave for work. It's not a big ask.

GoodGrief100 · 10/09/2021 09:28

Doing anything to help a family member out is reasonable if they are completely stuck with no options. This is not the same. Tell her the time you leave and go home again and if she's late she'll have to make her way into work and back again. If she's late, just leave, done message her. If she's that worried about driving suggest she organises taxis if her uncle isn't available or she looks for a new job. This is is part of being an adult. I would also highlight how rude it is to keep someone waiting like she is and it could end up having a negative impact on how reliable you're seen to be at work - totally unacceptable.

Palavah · 10/09/2021 09:28

I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

You don't even need to say this. Just say you're happy to give her a lift if she gets to your place by X time and you will be leaving work again at Y.

And yes, if anyone pulls the 'we'd do anything for each other' line then point out that she can't manage not to keep you waiting for 2 hours, so...

OldTinHat · 10/09/2021 09:28

Definitely 'abandon' her. She might get the message about her being a CF then. And get petrol money from her!!!

TartanJumper · 10/09/2021 09:29

How old is your cousin?
Tell her that 8am is the time you will be getting to work. She is welcome to join you in the commute at [whatever time you leave your home], otherwise she will have to make her own way in as those hours don't work for you. Make it clear you won't wait for her.
Tell uncle the same thing. Nip this in the bud now.

Sunshinedrops85 · 10/09/2021 09:31

100% (84) votes at YANBU!

Briony123 · 10/09/2021 09:31

If your family thinks you should do everything for each other then they should tell her she needs to fit in with your pre-existing routine. You're not her mum.

Howshouldibehave · 10/09/2021 09:31

The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10

Why?

I would have been livid and left at my normal time after the first time she did this? What conversations did you have with her? I would have said that I leave home at 7am-she needs to be there or I was leaving.

Do you struggle to assert boundaries generally?

Pennineway2021 · 10/09/2021 09:31

What time do you leave ? 6.50. It is early!

But other than that, just tell her to be there by 6.40am, and say if she isn't at yours by 6.50 you'll have left. Give this message to your uncle too. Leave and don't wait!
Say you leave at 3pm, give her a 10 min window and leave.

She's an adult she can get a bus/ taxi if she misses you and will learn.

It puts the responsibility off your shoulders and onto your cousin.

toconclude · 10/09/2021 09:32

Also you are not 'abandoning' anyone, what a ridiculous way of putting it (Uncle, one assumes). You are relying on an adult being an adult. Entirely reasonable.

Brefugee · 10/09/2021 09:32

It is kind of you to give her lifts and it is entirely up to her to fit into your routine. And give you petrol money.

Be firm: she is at your place for x time or she's walking, you will be leaving work at y time or she's walking.

And you might like to point out to her that as an adult, getting to and from work is a consideration before taking a job and not after. And that someone doing you a favour should not be inconvenienced.

Howshouldibehave · 10/09/2021 09:32

She’s not being abandoned at all-she has a car and she can drive!

Tal45 · 10/09/2021 09:32

If your family is of the mindset that you should do 'anything' for each other then why doesn't that also work in your favour? Why doesn't she have to drive you sometimes and why doesn't she have to arrive at yours at the correct time?
Tell her you are happy to give her a lift if she arrives by 7, otherwise she will need to get a lift from someone to and from work or drive herself. She's absolutely taking the piss OP.

altforvarmt · 10/09/2021 09:34

If your cousin is old enough to work, she's old enough for you to communicate with each other without the involvement of your uncle.

Let her know what time you're leaving in the morning. She can be there, or not. You leave, you get to work at the time that suits you. She can sort herself out.

Your leaving work time is also fixed. If she travelled in with you, she can travel home with you. If she arrived later, and can't leave work yet, you leave at the time that works for you. She can sort herself out.

Come on, OP, you're not in a carshare arrangement. There's nothing for you to negotiate. She turns up on time to get a lift with you, or she sorts out her own transport.

TatianaBis · 10/09/2021 09:39

Extraordinary CFs.

You have however slightly set yourself up for this by indulging her at the start.

After the first week of late shows I would simply have said: “I work 8-3, happy to give you a lift but if you’re not here by 7 or ready by 3 you will have to make your own way”.

999caffeineplease · 10/09/2021 09:41

Do as PP said and text your uncle back saying you’ll speak to your cousin, then tell her she’ll need to arrange something else for today as you’re finishing 2 hours before her.

Tell her that as of next week, you’re making sure to get back to your established working pattern so she’ll need to be at yours by 6:50 if she wants to share the commute, otherwise she’ll need to drive herself.

noblegreenk · 10/09/2021 09:41

She needs to either fit in with you or sort out her own transportation. She's not your responsibility and she needs to take responsibility for herself. I give a colleague lifts home from work but he never inconveniences me. He fits in with me, never keeps me waiting for him and doesn't even expect me to drop him at his door, as its slightly out of my way, I drop him just up the road. If your cousin can't get there under her own steam then the job's not the right fit for her, which she should have considered before applying/accepting it.