Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 10/09/2021 11:03

You were willing to give her a lift if she gets there on time, tell your uncle that you have problem dropping and collecting her as long as she sticks to your schedule otherwise she can make her own way, totally unreasonable to expect you to change your hours to suit her preferences when you're the one doing her a favour

LakieLady · 10/09/2021 11:03

It's cheeky-fuckery to ask for a daily favour and then it expect it to be done at a time of your own choosing and to inconvenience the person doing it.

Tell you're happy to carry on doing it but if she can't fit in with your schedule, she'll have to make her own arrangements.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/09/2021 11:04

No problem*

CousinKrispy · 10/09/2021 11:06

I've never seen a 100% on a AIBU poll before!

I'm a big believer in family but even I think you're in the right. You shouldn't lose half your evening just because she is too lazy to get out of bed on time. It was her choice to take the job.

DeborahAnnabel · 10/09/2021 11:07

Has someone inferred that you have abandoned your niece? Because it is a strange expression to use, you have not abandoned her at all. If she works the same hours as you and can be at your home as and when you are about to leave, it sounds like you are (very kindly) willing to take her to and from work. The fact that she chooses not to work the hours you choose to work, means she needs to source alternative transport.
As you said yourself, I don't know why she didn't consider this before taking the job. She is lucky you're willing to take her at all by the way. I quite like time on my own when getting to and from work, so you're a better person than I am.

TillyTopper · 10/09/2021 11:10

She is really taking the piss - not only does she want a lift but she wants you to be bound by her times. If you are prepared to still give her a lift then you will leave home at X time and leave work at Y time. If she gets a lift there you can't be expected to wait for her if she is later than you! I think you need to ask yourself if you are happy to continue you giving her a lift (personally I'd say no, she has to make her own way there). If you decide to give her a lift I'd have an honest chat with her to point out the situation and tell her times you will leave if she wants a lift - if she can't stick to it then you go.

FatCatThinCat · 10/09/2021 11:12

She knows she's taking the piss, that's why she gets her Daddy to message you. She's a cowardly cheeky fucker.

Tell her the time you leave, for work and for home, and make it clear that if she wants a lift she's there on time. Otherwise you'll leave without her and she'll have to make her own arrangements.

ScribblingPixie · 10/09/2021 11:15

I would be very clear to your uncle that you will give your cousin a lift if she does your hours and is at your house for a lift in good time. And stick to it rigidly. But I would also offer to drive 'in convoy' with her for, say, a week so that she can build up her confidence with the route and drive herself, enabling her to do her own choice of hours. That way you should be able to parry any criticism.

Cerebelle · 10/09/2021 11:17

Lol nope!

Nearly 600 votes and 100% YANBU.

From now on, say when you leave home and work and stick to it. If she is there, she can have a lift and if not, hard cheese.

Holskey · 10/09/2021 11:19

"Sorry Uncle CF, we don't work the same shifts and I leave at 3"

"Can you wait for her?"

"No, it's not an appropriate place to hang out for 2 hours, and I've been there since 8am. I offered Cousin CF a lift, but she didn't want to leave at 3 so I assumed she had something else sorted"

TimeForTeaAndG · 10/09/2021 11:22

She's not going to get any better at driving the route if she never does it. Don't you dare stay til 5 and don't be dragged into thinking you've abandoned her. She's not in the middle of nowhere in the dark. She can organise a lift, a taxi, or she can put on her big girl pants and drive herself.

Eralos · 10/09/2021 11:31

It’s awkward isn’t it. I’d stick to your guns though, don’t hang around to 2 hours!

Tallisimo · 10/09/2021 11:33

She’s old enough to get a job, she’s old enough to look after how she gets there and back. She needs to take responsibility for herself. Not your job.

didyouseeit · 10/09/2021 11:36

Do you mean leave your job, or just leave her and go to work?

Either way you explain to her and your family that she has to fit in with you otherwise drive herself. Ask the uncle to pay for some motorway driving lessons for her

sillysmiles · 10/09/2021 11:37

Anytime I've gotten lifts to work there was always an agreement of the driver leaves at X time.
If you weren't there they left without you and there was no one at fault except you for being late.

Set your time, leave at the time you normally leave at, if she's not there then that's not your responsibility. I also come from a family that do stuff for each other so I can see why a blanket no wouldn't work - but set your times and stick to them.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/09/2021 11:37

Bollocks to that!

I’d leave early/on time today. You are the sort of family who would do anything for one another, huh? Well, I guess that means you don’t feel comfortable not texting your uncle who is trying to manage his adult daughter’s work schedule. He shouldn’t be involved, but if you must text him, say ‘ sorry uncle, I am leaving at x time today and can’t wait two hours for cousin’.

Then,I would text cousin (and maybe uncle since he likes to be involved. ‘Hi cousin, do you want to ride share next week? If so, I need to leave the house by x o’clock and leave work at y o’clock. Can we split the petrol costs and parking costs? I reckon it is ££ each if we go 50/50. Of course, I would charge you mileage or wear and tear LOL! Have a great weekend and I’ll either see you at x o’clock or at work’.

Your rules are in writing. No arguments. Ball is in her court. And uncle can be her coach.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/09/2021 11:39

Whoops! That should read ‘I wouldn’t charge you mileage or wear and tear’.

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 10/09/2021 11:39

This is not a common sight in these parts, OP! Take your early finish today and enjoy your weekend.

To abandon my cousin
JackieChiles · 10/09/2021 11:44

Why are you communicating with your unclr? It’s very manipulative to have him call you because it makes you feel like you’re doing something to him and he’s not the one who keeps showing up late. Your issue is with your cousin only. How she chooses to get to work is not your concern.

Original poster
Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 11:52

Wow there’s a lot of replies, if I sit and read them I will end up having to take a longer lunch and then finish later, something I’m clearly not a fan of.

I replied to my uncle and said “oh I assumed she must be off or ill and forgot to tell me because I waited an hour after the time I told her I would be leaving, I won’t be around to bring her home at 5 as I finish at 3 today” her brother is taking a half day to come collect her but he won’t be able to do it all the time apparently. I suggested one of them practice the route with her over the weekend.

She’s mentioned to a few people that she didn’t think she was going to get there this morning because I left her. I’ve been clear with them and said she just didn’t turn up or get in touch with me so I assumed she was sorted.

We are the same age but she has recently moved back home to my uncles after splitting from her partner. We are both 32. The difference is I get home and have general house jobs to do and feeding myself whereas my aunt doesn’t work so she now has everything done for her, the second she gets home all of her time is free time.

She has been driving, we were taking it in turns to drive but with me acting like a driving instructor on her turns and her sitting in silence scrolling through her phone on her turns. I’ve said to her today I’m not having her moaning about me to people and playing the victim when she’s been ungrateful and demanding, I was probably harsh because there were a few people around when I said it but at least they will realise I’m not being a cow to her by driving off for the sake of it.

I wasn’t worried about being firm with her I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being out of order before I did it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 11:53

Scrolling her phone on my turns that should say!

OP posts:
tickledtiger · 10/09/2021 11:55

The family thing is a two way street though, you’re driving her to work and back so she should be able to keep to your hours. What a luxury. I have a similar commute and if someone offered me lifts I’d bite their hand off!

Family ( particularly young family members) typically take stuff like this for granted don’t they.

Babyparrotdog · 10/09/2021 11:55

She needs to go at the time you go and she needs to give you petrol money

LBirch02 · 10/09/2021 11:56

YANBU at all OP. This reminds me of my own cousin situation aargh!! And you’re not abandoning her just putting up reasonable boundaries

theemmadilemma · 10/09/2021 11:56

Well done OP.

100% is hard to get around here. lol