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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 10/09/2021 10:01

Are you a taxi service? Are you being paid for the extra time you have to wait? Are you risking being late and jeapardising your own job? Are you even being paid for petrol and wear and tear on your car?

Just because you work at the same place and are related does not mean you are responsible for her. She is an adult responsible for herself.

If she can not do things on terms that suit you, tough. Welcome to the real world.

The phrase you are looking for in your OP is 'Are my cousin and uncle CFs?' The answer is yes.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 10/09/2021 10:01

It not your responsibility and her dad should not be getting involved, I'm assuming she's a grown up? Just tell them both that you are going in for the time you want and it's non negotiable, you're happy to take her at that time but you expect some petrol money

Ibizan · 10/09/2021 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 10/09/2021 10:03

ask your uncle to drop her to you for 6.50 as youre happy to give lifts, but only if shes working pretty much same hours as you need to finish by 3 and cant wait around 2 hours. If she wants to do the later start time and finish then she will have to get herself there and back, but would make more sense for her to set her alarm earlier to save on hassling everyone else

Natty13 · 10/09/2021 10:04

If your film tell you you should do anything for her tell then it works both ways. YOU are offering HER a lift so that's your favourite, her "favour" to you can be waking up early so you can get to work on time. Ita too much to expect you to be the one doing all the compromise, especially since she's the one who took the job without considering how to get there. You should tell them that and stand strong.

Anyone who tells you you are selfish/mean/horrible/a bad cousin is welcome to take her themselves! I bet there won't be any volunteers thoigh!

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 10/09/2021 10:05

Definitely don't hang around for two hours waiting for the lazy madam. Text her and your uncle to say you are leaving at X time today and cousin will have to make their own way home, I assume there is public transport. Then tell cousin she will have to make their own way into work from next week as you work different hours to her. Her father can help her with petrol, he is her parent, not you. Stand firm.

SD1978 · 10/09/2021 10:05

You have times you prefer to do. She wants to start later. She wants the lift? She turns up at the time you specify or she drives herself.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 10/09/2021 10:05

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

Funny how this only ever seems to work in a CF relative's favour, isn't it?

Absolutely the case that if she wants a lift, it's at your convenience and that means being ready to leave when you are. Other than that, she can either drive herself (presumably she is being paid for this job so she can pay for petrol now...) or Equally CF Uncle can drive her.

Stand firm!

LindaEllen · 10/09/2021 10:05

Just say she's more than welcome to a lift if she works the same time as you - but your hours are not changing as you have plans at home. And leave it at that.

viques · 10/09/2021 10:07

If she is old enough to drive and old enough to work then she is old enough to negotiate her own lifts.

Don’t engage with the Uncle. Only deal with the cousin.

Tell her that the driver dictates the lift times, she needs to be outside your house leaning up against the car at the time you say, and the same for the return journey.

And you get to choose what you listen to on the journey too, unless it’s her birthday ending with a 5 or a 0 when she can choose for one leg of the journey. Everyone knows those are the rules. Oh, and it is the passenger’s responsibility to de ice the windscreen and rear window on cold mornings.

BathMatToe · 10/09/2021 10:07

Ridiculous. If someone is good enough to give you a lift then you get there on time. Not late. Not 2hrs late.

Text saying you're going to be working the hours 8-3. That's non negotiable.
They're either at yours for 7am or whenever you need or you'll assume they're not getting a lift.

Sounds like they have a car but don't want to use it.

I used to get a lift to work each morning when I was really young as the person was passing my house.
I stood early at the side of the road she drove through so she could just pull over, I'd jump in and off we went. I didn't even want to inconvenience them by letting them drive into my street at the other side if the road and they offered me the lift off their own back.

They should be grateful and doing everything they can to make it easy for you.

seaandsandcastles · 10/09/2021 10:08

YANBU. She goes at the times you want to or she sorts her own transport.

KingsleyShacklebolt · 10/09/2021 10:10

How much petrol money is she giving you? Very little I'd imagine.

Seems a clear consensus - you are the one doing the favour by providing the lift. The conditions of the lift are that she is at your house by x time. If she doesn't like those conditions she makes her own way.

SarahBellam · 10/09/2021 10:10

Just say - ‘I’m leaving the house at 7.30 in the morning and leaving work at 3pm. If you want a lift I’ll see you then. You can give me £10 a week towards petrol when you see me’. That way she’s still welcome to a lift and it’s up to her if she wants to accept your terms. Keep your phone off in the mornings so you don’t get messages asking you to wait.

thenewduchessofhastings · 10/09/2021 10:16

What a CF:She's taking complete advantage of the fact your cousins.

Go home.Tell her you'll be working 8-3 each day and if she's not at yours by 6:50am you will be leaving without her.

She quite obviously took the job thinking she could take advantage of you.

Frannibananni · 10/09/2021 10:23

If she wants a lift she works same hours as you and doesn’t put you out.

JudgeJ · 10/09/2021 10:23

@PinkFootstool

She's a CF. Who takes a job without knowing how they'll get there?

If the price of fuel is the only reason she's not driving each day, your uncle can pay to fill her car each day week. Her hours are her problem.

Who takes a job without knowing how they'll get there?

One woman who applied to be a classroom assistant at the school where I taught did just that! She didn't drive and the public transport situation was impossible. The person who interviewed her told her that it was OK, JudgeJ will give you a lift!!! No consultation with me at all and when I declined to be involved, guess who was the baddy?

Franklyfrost · 10/09/2021 10:24

Tell her what time you’ll be leaving gone and work and say if she’s there then you’re happy to give her a lift. Stick to it. When your family force you into doing things for their benefit and your loss otherwise there’ll be a ‘back lash’ that’s not being close that’s you being bullied. It’s hard but send the message, mute your family for a few days if need be and go to work when it suits you.

TheRebelle · 10/09/2021 10:25

If she can’t afford the petrol then she can’t afford to work there, she should look for a more suitable job. (*I suspect she can very well afford the petrol but prefers having a free ride)

Redwinestillfine · 10/09/2021 10:26

Absolutely let your uncle know the situation. Say you are happy to drive her so long as she is at yours at 7am, in time to get to work at 8 and ready to leave at 3. Tell him you had an agreement with her to do this but she has been turning up later and later and expecting you to wait which is not acceptable. Ask him to talk to her as you have tried and she's still late. Make it clear if she can't be on time she will have to make her own way.

Quartz2208 · 10/09/2021 10:27

just say you have things to do and cannot stay beyond 3

You are happy to give her a lift if she is going to do your hours 8-3 and maybe even compromise for 8:30/9 start but 10 just doesnt work for you

Member984815 · 10/09/2021 10:27

Why is your uncle acting as a go between , surely your cousin can deal with this herself , or is she using him thinking you will obey him ? She should have considered her travel options before taking the job .

burritofan · 10/09/2021 10:27

“Hey Uncle, of course Cousin can have lifts with me – I set off at 6.50am and leave at 3pm. See her at 6.45am tomorrow! Hope all’s well, love to the cats/dogs/aunt etc, Bored.”

Lather rinse repeat every time he texts. “Hey Uncle, bit confused here – Cousin didn’t show this morning and obviously I can’t be late for work. I’ll be leaving at 3pm as usual today, happy to drive her for petrol costs as ever if she’s ready at 3! Love to the ponies/gerbils/begonias, Bored”

Etc unto forever

BrightYellowDaffodil · 10/09/2021 10:29

Why is your uncle acting as a go between

Because entitled CFs breed equally entitled CFs…

Tirediam · 10/09/2021 10:30

I agree with EVERYONE here. What a couple of CFs