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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:

DreamTheMoors · 12/09/2021 08:49

@CircleofWillis
@Eralos
@takehomepay

While my cousin, who was never “clinically” diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder, I’m certain she was a narcissist. I can say that now with confidence having read up on the subject and ticking off all her accompanying signs.
I could regale you with stories of her for hours.
I didn’t speak to her for YEARS after the Mexico incident - perhaps even a decade, which was easy, because she left California and first moved to South Korea for many years and then to North Carolina.
And no - not once did she ever utter one word of apology or regret. If I brought it up and reminded her of what a shitty thing it was to do, she’d roll her eyes - but she knew, oh, she knew. And she knew how pissed off I was all those years later.
In 2000 or 2001, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and died in 2005.

DreamTheMoors · 12/09/2021 09:04

@CircleofWillis

I’m sorry - I didn’t really answer your question. So I got back to their place before they did, and the idiots left their door unlocked (they lived right on the beach).
I went in, sat down, had myself some deep breaths and about an hour later in they came.

Cousin: Here she is!
Me: You left me in Mexico.
Cousin: You’re right here! (Rolls her eyes)
Me: Waa I in the CAR with you???
Cousin: laughter
Me: Don’t talk to me.

I caught a taxi to the airport the next day and flew home. My silence began then, and she never approached me about it or made any attempt to make amends.
She would have died without my speaking to her had I not spoken first when she became ill.

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 09:34

@DreamTheMoors God I’m so sorry, quite a thoughtless comment from me there, given what happened.

TRex57128 · 12/09/2021 10:11

You're not abandoning your cousin! If she turns up on time you'll give her a lift...full stop. If she wants to work a different schedule to you, she needs to sort out a different lift.
I hope she's a teenager because I can't believe a fully grown adult would behave this way, it's totally selfish.

You feel guilty because you have no particular reason to be home except that you like being home early....you sound apologetic, you shouldn't be. It's your life, you work to live and if you want to be home to relax that's your call. The only reason she's not at your on time in the morning is because she like being at home in the morning....there's no other reason except she wants a lie in!! I mean this in the nicest possible way, but never mind your family, if ye do anything for each other, your cousin should be there on time to respect you and your schedule.....set your boundaries and stand up for your self. xxx

Roxy69 · 12/09/2021 10:18

@MichelleScarn

If you do anything for each other, why doesn't she do what you need?

Very well said, it works both ways.

Tabasco007 · 12/09/2021 10:27

Giving someone a lift there and back is a real commitment, she is an adult, she should just get herself to work, if you do take her, she HAS to go at the times you want too. But even then, being responsible for her, means that it's harder for you to decide to pop off to see a friend, go the gym, have freedom to do what you want when you finish. I mean, I can also see the sense in sharing a car from an environment point of view tho'

SingToTheSky · 12/09/2021 10:53

Can’t afford petrol, but is living at home with her parents so presumably doesn’t have huge living costs?! Unless she’s still paying for a family home or something.

Anyway well done for asserting your boundaries!

ShingleBeach · 12/09/2021 10:59

How does she get to your house for the lift?

Puppymum69 · 12/09/2021 11:00

I think she’s taking the p* if she can drive then she should drive herself and not expect you to change your routine to fit in with hers! Cheeky moo! And if you mean leave your job then absolutely not! She needs to buck her ideas up and either get herself there or find a new job! If she knew she couldn’t afford petrol everyday and she was nervous if the drive, she shouldn’t have taken the job 🤷🏼‍♀️

sloutside · 12/09/2021 11:50

is there a reason such as childcare that means she has to leave later? if not then no I would state your boundaries and leave it with her

Why does a reason such as childcare mean the OP has to change her working hours to suit her cousin?
If the cousin has a child (doesn't sound like it from previous posts) then she should have factored all of this in before taking a job miles away and then expecting OP just to jump when she says jump.
Cousin's childcare is not OP's problem, nor is getting to and from work.

ShingleBeach · 12/09/2021 13:19

Going together makes sense: unnecessary pollution and expense to have two cars doing a 2 hour round trip every day when one would do.

But since you are driving and it’s your car, and you have a long-standing routine that suits you, she needs to accept that. And still contribute to petrol costs.

Faith77 · 12/09/2021 13:26

She does realise YOU are doing HER a favour, and not vice versa?! She has her own car, doesn't give you petrol money, and doesn't want to fall in with the same hours - she is taking the p**s!! I think you need to be tough. If cousin gets to yours by xx:xx in the morning, gives you £x per day petrol money, and works the same hours, she can have a lift. If not, she needs to be an adult and make her own transport arrangements.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/09/2021 14:27

Put the ball in her court and make it clear to her that you’re happy to give her a lift, but that unless she works the same hours as you, she will have to make her own arrangements as you are used to your own routine and not prepared to change it - not even for family. I agree with pp’s who have said that if family is expected to do anything for each other, then she can repay your generosity in giving her a lift, by not being so selfish and disrupting your routine. And why are you allowing your uncle to dictate to you. If he couldn’t pick her up, it’s a bit cheeky to text you and expect you to wait behind after you’ve finished work. If she’s only been there for a couple of weeks you need to stand up to her and her dad and nip this in the bud before it goes any further.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/09/2021 14:28

Oh and you also need to make it clear that you expect half the petrol costs.

Rosscameasdoody · 12/09/2021 14:34

is there a reason such as childcare that means she has to leave later? if not then no I would state your boundaries and leave it with her

What difference does this make ? Her cousins’ other commitments are not the OP’s problem and should have been factored in before taking the job. Her cousin is treating the lift to work as a right, when it’s a privilege and with the exception of unavoidable one offs from time to time, the cousin shouldn’t be disrupting the OP’s established routine,

DreamTheMoors · 12/09/2021 22:28

[quote takehomepay]@DreamTheMoors God I’m so sorry, quite a thoughtless comment from me there, given what happened.[/quote]
@takehomepay

You couldn’t possibly have known, plus surely you meant it figuratively. No harm, no foul. ❤️

Imouttahere · 12/09/2021 23:27

OP I wonder how your cousin plans to get to work when you take annual leave?

KarenRobertson81 · 13/09/2021 08:26

I would say you never agreed to the hours your cousin works. That your employer happy with the hours you do at present

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/09/2021 09:42

I'd do a group chat with the cousin and uncle and state your leaving to/ from work times and what time she needs to be at yours by. Nothing more, no reasons for doing those times or why you want to get back when you do. You love your job and don't need your cousin making you resent going in. Having to stress about waiting for her both ends isn't what you signed up for.
Really should have left at your usual time the first time she was late.

KateW73 · 13/09/2021 10:09

Since your uncle comes from a family that has the culture of doing everything for each other, he won't mind collecting your cousin every day, especially as he's helping you at the same time, right?
But I suspect (like my family) it's actually a culture of pressuring the women in the family to put their own needs last.
I'd probably do what others have suggested and invent appointments for every afternoon until your cousin either gets into her own routine of getting to and from work herself or gets another job. Maybe you could have a neighbour with a broken leg who needs you to help collect kids from school? It's a very complicated fracture and will take months to heal. ;)

Lweji · 13/09/2021 13:21

I wonder what would happen if you couldn't use your own car for a few days. Would they do "everything" for their family and take you to work at 8? No?

NEScribe · 13/09/2021 13:25

Agree with all those saying she is being unreasonable - not you.

If nervousness about driving is genuine, offer to go with her in her car for 2-3 days until she gets used to the route?
When are you next planning time off for a holiday? Maybe if she can't get there when you are not at work she will move on ?
If not, then agree you tell her and uncle that you like this job because it allows you to work 8-3pm and that's your preference since it allows you to fit in apptments eg GP/hair/yoga or whatever after work AND miss the rush hour traffic. Say you are more than happy to give her a lift if she works the same hours as you but otherwise it won't work.
If there is backlash, point out that you have offered her a lift - it is her choice not to accept a lift at the time you are travelling.

billy1966 · 13/09/2021 14:36

@DreamTheMoors

Genuine question, why did you feel the need to get back in touch after she really put your life at risk, just because she was dying?

She clearly never regretted her actions.

DreamTheMoors · 14/09/2021 03:17

[quote billy1966]@DreamTheMoors

Genuine question, why did you feel the need to get back in touch after she really put your life at risk, just because she was dying?

She clearly never regretted her actions.
[/quote]
@billy1966

If my cousin regretted her actions or did not regret them, I don’t think she had the capacity to express them either way.
We had known each other from birth, and were more sisters than anything. Carrying a grudge for a decade seemed long enough for me.
And yea — I forgave her just because she was dying and because in the long run, my love was stronger than my hate.
And now it doesn’t matter any more.

WheresYourSnickers · 14/09/2021 09:48

@DreamTheMoors Your story is incredible, I'm glad you got back safely! You sound like a lovely, emotionally intelligent, forgiving person

When I look back in some of the things I did as a teenager/ young adult (hitchhiking, sleeping in strangers houses, getting so drunk you don't know your own name....) I often think Jesus, I was lucky to escape unscathed!
When you're young, you don't think of the bad things that could happen - were we naive? are we just more aware now of the dangers? Or is the world more dangerous?

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