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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
Insanelysilver · 11/09/2021 20:04

If someone’s giving you a lift to work then you have to go at whatever time suits them.
Stick to the time that suits you otherwise she’ll have to make her own arrangements. Maybe you Couid let her follow you one time so she gets used to the journey. X

Mirw · 11/09/2021 20:32

She is not a child. She needs to make her own arrangements as, she is taking the proverbial. Tell her where to get off. Problems with the familyte them where to get off too.

NinjaExodus · 11/09/2021 20:44

You all sound really unhealthily enmeshed as a family. How you get to work has bugger all to do with your cousin. Get on with your own life and ignore them all.

LoisLane66 · 11/09/2021 20:44

She's 32 fgs. If you don't take action now YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB. 😮
She must also share petrol costs.
I don't agree with you taking her in the first place as, if you are off sick, what then? What if you have different holiday times,? What if she is late and not ready to go home at 3pm?
If you agree to the lifts you must make her understand that if she's not ready when you are she will have to find another sucker to get her to work or drive her home.
Be strong. You are not joined at the hip and she will severely curtail your private/social life. Good luck 🍀😁

Mollymoostoo · 11/09/2021 20:53

I can't believe you waited for her to show up. If I needed to leave at 7, I would have messaged her at 6 50 to say sorry but I'm going now.

Hesma · 11/09/2021 21:14

She’s a CF… just leave

seaandsandcastles · 11/09/2021 21:15

She’s 32 fgs. If you don't take action now YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB. 😮

@LoisLane66 Why would she lose her job? Confused They can set their own hours.

cabingirl · 11/09/2021 21:22

You shouldn't have let it go the first week - the person giving the lift sets the time.

You need to message both your cousin and your uncle to say that you leave for work at x time, and leave work at x time. Lifts will only be available if cousin is at your house 5 mins before x time and is ready to leave work at x time too.

There can't be a family backlash if you are prepared to still offer the lift. You'll just have to be very firm about leaving time and make sure they understand that you won't wait.

Giving a lift at all on a regular basis is very kind of you - and even if that is expected in your family, you should not have to change your established working pattern and life to suit anyone else.

LoisLane66 · 11/09/2021 21:23

@seaandsandcastles
Oops! Yes, I did read that in the OP's first post but forgot when I wrote that last one.
Thanks for the reminder.

Eve76 · 11/09/2021 21:40

Stick to your routine , she decided to take that job regardless of petrol you told her the hours you start and finish , this is on her shoulders not yours

Strangeways19 · 11/09/2021 21:55

is there a reason such as childcare that means she has to leave later? if not then no I would state your boundaries and leave it with her

DreamTheMoors · 11/09/2021 22:43

A different sort of “cousin abandonment” but still.
I flew to San Diego to see my cousin with whom I was very close to spend a week. One day, she & her boyfriend & his friends decided to go to Baja Mexico to spend the day and have dinner out. First we stopped at the famous Rosarito Beach Hotel for drinks - the guys drank beer, we drank watery margaritas. They decided to leave; I was about 2-3 minutes behind them, and when I got outside, they were gone. My cousin and her pals had ditched me in Mexico.
There were a couple of Fedérales (Mexican police) standing across the way & I asked them if they had seen a tall, dark-haired, American girl anywhere — they said yes, come with us. Stupidly, I did. Instead of taking me anywhere in town, they took me deeper & deeper into Mexico.
Finally, I had to hitchhike back to San Diego with complete strangers.
To say I hated her would be an understatement.

Baggingarea · 11/09/2021 22:48

I agree with PPs. Turn it around and get some family members on your side before raising with uncle. Cousin is forcing you to completely change your well established working hours OR make you work an hour - sometimes two - longer everyday. Get them to vouch for you basically so it's not two against one.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 11/09/2021 23:16

Just say “I’m more than happy to take you in, and back, but these are the hours I work...xxx...I don’t think it’s fair to expect me to change my established hours for you so if you want a lift you must be on time as I can’t wait, it’s making me late and unhappy.”

Toomuchtrouble4me · 11/09/2021 23:18

Wow! Did you ever speak again? Any reason for it?

ShingleBeach · 11/09/2021 23:47

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash

Well, that’s a two way street. ‘Each other’ being the relevant phrase. Not ‘you become her personal chauffeur at her beck and call’.

Be gushy and generous: of course you are more than happy to give her a lift on your way to work. At the time you leave.

Why would anyone think they had the right to dictate your schedule?

And your uncle needs to butt right out, it is nothing at all to do with him.

Mamanyt · 11/09/2021 23:54

Tell your cousin (and your uncle) that you absolutely CAN provide transport so long as she is available on YOUR schedule. That you will not wait for her, coming or going. Then stick to that.

Cherryberrybonbon · 12/09/2021 00:44

It sounds like she had you in mind to take her before she got the job. Just have a convo with her and tell her straight these are the hours you do and your in a routine and if she wants a lift she has to be on time to yours if not she doesn’t get a lift

FrozenWillow · 12/09/2021 01:31

Definitely not being unreasonable. Why should you put your job on the line and stick your neck out for her?

Does she want you to hold her hand? Tell her to stop being a baby and get her own backside to work and tell Uncle that instead of molly coddling his child, maybe he should teach her how to be a responsible adult!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/09/2021 03:07

@DreamTheMoors - that would have been terrifying! I hope you didn't come to any harm doing that, what an utter fucker of a thing to do to you!

DreamTheMoors · 12/09/2021 07:20

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]@DreamTheMoors - that would have been terrifying! I hope you didn't come to any harm doing that, what an utter fucker of a thing to do to you![/quote]
@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Thank you, and yes it was! After my initial shock of them not being anywhere to be found, the panic & terror set in.
I made it back - actually before they did - and my cousin couldn’t figure out why I was so fucking furious with her when they strolled in:
”You left me in Mexico.”
She was a flake her entire life, but that was off the charts. I eventually got over it but it took years.
I figure I hitchhiked about 137km that night with 3 or 4 different strangers. I was VERY lucky.

CircleofWillis · 12/09/2021 07:20

@DreamTheMoors

A different sort of “cousin abandonment” but still. I flew to San Diego to see my cousin with whom I was very close to spend a week. One day, she & her boyfriend & his friends decided to go to Baja Mexico to spend the day and have dinner out. First we stopped at the famous Rosarito Beach Hotel for drinks - the guys drank beer, we drank watery margaritas. They decided to leave; I was about 2-3 minutes behind them, and when I got outside, they were gone. My cousin and her pals had ditched me in Mexico. There were a couple of Fedérales (Mexican police) standing across the way & I asked them if they had seen a tall, dark-haired, American girl anywhere — they said yes, come with us. Stupidly, I did. Instead of taking me anywhere in town, they took me deeper & deeper into Mexico. Finally, I had to hitchhike back to San Diego with complete strangers. To say I hated her would be an understatement.
Did you ever speak to her afterwards? If so what on earth did she say?
Eralos · 12/09/2021 08:18

@DreamTheMoors you got over it? I’d never b able to. Who leaves someone? That is next level nasty. I’m shocked by this!

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 08:23

Yes @DreamTheMoors I also want to only did you speak to again? She would have been dead to me from there on.

Pottedpalm · 12/09/2021 08:24

OP, you are both 32! Why in earth is your uncle even involved in this!
Tell her the time she needs to be at your house if she wants a lift. You won’t be texting if she doesn’t turn up, not will you wait if she doesn’t appear on time. If she has a lift in with you she must be ready to leave when you do. This is all reasonable and needs no negotiation.

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