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AIBU?

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Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
MyPatronusIsACat · 10/09/2021 21:29

@Heartofglass12345

Am I the only one who wants to know what job you do where you can go in whenever you want haha
Probably public service like tax office, DWP, land registry, or similar.

I know a few people who work for this type of employer, and they start at 8 a.m, have half hour lunch, and finish at 3.30pm. A few of them work 8am til 6.30pm, every day for a few weeks, and accrue a couple of days off, that they can take without using holiday.

They can also come in at 9.30 or 10am if they have a GP appointment or dental appointment and then just finish at 6pm. OR finish at 2pm for a couple of days, and then stay til 6pm for the next couple of days.

Flexi time it's called. It's fab. Makes life easier for many people

AnneElliott · 10/09/2021 21:48

I agree she's a CF op. Good thing you have made your position clear.

DDMAC · 10/09/2021 22:03

Well done standing your ground!! 👏🏻 I’ve been in your position with driving someone around on a Friday, supposed to be a one off and I just counted up, it went on for 9 years! Every Friday for 9 years! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I could never make any plans on a Friday because of it, the resentment was unreal. Thought it would never end

Cherrysoup · 10/09/2021 22:05

32 and her dad is messaging you?! Bloody hell.

Goldiemummy · 10/09/2021 22:08

You don’t have to justify yourself to your cousin or your uncle. If your cousin wants to lift share then she needs to be working the same hours as you (your hours). You could be flexible once a week maybe but only if this suits you.

DerAlteMann · 10/09/2021 22:59

She works your hours or no lift.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/09/2021 04:27

Honestly, I would just tell her what time you're leaving in the morning and if she's there, you'll give her a lift, and if she's not then you'll be gone when you said you were leaving.

And in the afternoon you leave at 3 so again, if she's finished her hours by then, you'll give her a lift, but if she was late then too bad. You're not waiting for her - your time is not worth less than hers.

tolerable · 11/09/2021 05:49

baxklash =shes a dick.if wants varried she complies

AnnieSnap · 11/09/2021 17:28

Why is your Uncle texting you to make arrangements for her to get home. That suggests she is used to being babied by her parents. She us an adults. You have been perfectly reasonable. It’s up to her to sort herself out now.

ReuT3 · 11/09/2021 17:32

I marked it as unreasonable but hear me out. My family is the same and because of it no one works. It might be unreasonable to them but if they don’t see it from your point of view they’re also being unreasonable. Talk to your cousin and uncle about you actually having completely different hours and why. It’s said if you want something off someone you are in their debt. They want to to give your cousin a lift. Their debt is to be on time so as to not get you fired. Set off at your normal time cousin or not.

ivykaty44 · 11/09/2021 17:33

we are a family that put ourselves out for each other

yet your cousin can't even put her/himself out for you and do the same hours so they get a lift....

id be gunning for the uncle staying the cousin is being disrespectful and not giving family a second thought

soraya · 11/09/2021 17:37

Agree!

soraya · 11/09/2021 17:39

It's called flexitime. Usually with core hours.

Integrity7 · 11/09/2021 17:48

What they said. I'd politely tell your Uncle to FO.

MeanderingGently · 11/09/2021 17:58

Your cousin is an adult and needs to sort her own transport out.
But you need to be firm with her. Even if she does the same hours as you, it means you're going to be forever waiting for her in the morning wondering whether she's going to get to you on time etc.

Sit down with her and explain that you've been working at the same place for a while; your shifts are from X until Y and you leave your house every day at A-time and need to be back at B-time. Explain it just isn't going to work giving her lifts because she wants different hours and you've already been too late several times, as well as having to wait around at others. She cannot rely on you for her transport.
And then stop giving her lifts.

Message the uncle and say unfortunately the car sharing is just not working, and therefore you won't be giving lifts any more, perhaps the two of them can sort out the transport problem rather than rely on you. They may not like it but they are CF to expect you to be running her around, stand your ground and ignore their upset.

You are NOT responsible for another adult getting themselves to their workplace.

JBEM4 · 11/09/2021 17:58

This thread has done me the world of good.

Been feeling proper low lately, convinced I'm failing as a wife, mother, adult, and human being in general at the ripe old age of 42 (nearly 43).

Your cousin has shown me that I'm not at rock bottom.

Please pass on my thanks 😊

nanagerry · 11/09/2021 17:59

She's a member of the same family as you so why should the family turn against you and not her? You are willing to give her a lift but she wants the lift only on her terms. If I was in your family I would know who was in the wrong and it wouldn't be you

Scottsy100 · 11/09/2021 18:00

If she wants a lift she needs to conform to your working hours end of

wooo69 · 11/09/2021 18:02

Not family but I am am currently giving a temporary member of staff a lift to and from work. I pass her house anyway and I text her as I leave home and she is always waiting for me at the side of the road. On the way home she just gets out wherever the traffic stops.
If I want/need to start/finish at a different time and she doesn’t want to she gets the train. Sometimes she decides to go shopping after work and lets me know in the morning she is doing this.
She would never expect me to change my work pattern for her and neither should your cousin, she fits in with you or no lift.

Mumof32017 · 11/09/2021 18:03

Nah, they’re taking the piss. I’d be off.

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 11/09/2021 18:04

There’s a difference between asking for a favour (that should be an infrequent thing anyway), but she’s asking that you alter your long established working hours to facilitate her preferences. She’s either v thoughtless or v immature. This is her responsibility not yours. You’ll need to be firm and place the responsibility where it should lie: if your uncle takes it wrong the way, he’s being unreasonable and selfish. Don’t resent her, just stand your ground and say it’s not working out and you’ve done your bit but as a permanent arrangement it’s a disaster.

Miisty · 11/09/2021 18:06

She’s taking the mickey and tell her to get out of bed she’s not a child although she’s acting like one

Bleachmycloths · 11/09/2021 18:07

Sounds like she accepted the job fully intending to rely on you for lifts.

Mumontour85 · 11/09/2021 18:14

You don't need a reason, or to explain yourself. You have your routine and she is interrupting it, incredibly rudely if you ask me! If she wants the lift with you, she does it on your time. Simple. If she doesn't like your hours then she needs to find her own way. Tell your uncle that you're not a taxi and his daughter needs to grow up and be more grateful.... if she does start working to your times, I hope you're sharing rhe petrol costs!

TheJade · 11/09/2021 18:16

I think you need to have a frank convo and tell your cousin that you won’t be able to give the lifts anymore! Good luck