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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To abandon my cousin

377 replies

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 09:06

My cousin started working at my place of work 3 weeks ago. It’s an hours drive down a mixture of country lanes and then motorway. When she started she told me she was nervous of the drive and can’t afford petrol everyday so could we go together…. Something I would have personally considered before going for a job.

We can start and leave at various times as long as we do our hours during the day. I like to get to work at 8 and leave at 3, she prefers to do 10 until 5. I’ve said to her throughout that I like having my time on an evening so if we are going together I want us to be here for 8. The first week she was getting to mine for 7:50 so we were getting to work at 9, I was annoyed but let it go. It has gradually slipped to us getting to work for 10. Yesterday she wasn’t at mine by 8 so I messaged saying she needed to get herself to work because I was setting off. My uncle dropped her off and text me saying he couldn’t get there to pick her up so could I bring her home, meaning an hour after I finished I had to wait for her, I did an extra hour of work. The same has happened again today however my boss has said I can leave an hour early today because of staying last night but as a one off. So I will finish 2 hours before her tonight now. My uncle has again messaged.

Is it acceptable that I just leave? I’ve been here for years and I am happy with my routine, if she spoke to me before starting I would have told her from the offset my start and finish times. It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be. I will say from next week that she is going to have to make her own way there and back or find a more suitable job.

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 10/09/2021 15:28

I’ve said to her today I’m not having her moaning about me to people and playing the victim when she’s been ungrateful and demanding,

Bloody well said.

I was probably harsh

Nope. You simply gave her the facts. Up to her what she does with them.

I wasn’t worried about being firm with her I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being out of order before I did it.

You weren't.
This whole "family does anything for each other" doesn't extend to your cousin does it?
She seems to expect that her mum will do all the domestic load without needing her to contribute to it, & when things stop going her way because she's been "ungrateful & demanding", she gets her dad to ring you to fight her battles for her.

She sounds 12 years old, not 32.
Putting your foot down has done her a favour OP - she needs to grow up at some point, & realise that the world is not going to arrange itself to her liking.

MyPatronusIsACat · 10/09/2021 15:28

WOW 100% say YANBU. Never seen that before.

@Boredhimtodeath You need to be really strong and firm here! Youe cousin is taking the piss. How DARE your uncle ask you to wait for her/change your hours for her. What a cheek. And as for the 'it will cause discord in the family if I don't do it' comments. Ewwwwww... I feel ya!!!

It reminds me so much of my extended family, and is one of the reasons I moved away (40 miles) from where I grew up. I was berated and scolded if I didn't jump through hoops for certain family members, just because I was the second youngest of 10 cousins. My brother was the youngest. But like the rest of the 'males' in the family, he was never expected to do anything.

Some of the family was so obnoxious and bossy, and assumed that the younger females should do stuff (for free) for people..... and bend over backwards, even if it was massively inconvenient for them...

Like give lifts, give money, give items away for free, run errands etc. My aunt once expected my DH to help my cousin and her new boyfriend to move house, (and book the day off work to do it,) and another auntie expected me to give another cousin our old TV when we got a new one. (Hers was 15 years old and was beginning to pack up...)

We said the kids were having it for the conservatory, but she frowned and tutted and said 'CHILDREN don't need to have a spare TV, and Sharon can't afford a TV, she is broke.' I thought 'yeah, soooo broke ... but she - and her DP - can afford to smoke 40 cigarettes a day between them, and spend £25 to £30 in one night (two or three nights a week) on Bingo, or at the pub! I said no and got slated for weeks for being 'unkind.' Hmm

When my parents passed, I moved away. I have fuckall to do with any of them now; just my brother and his wife and kids, and 2 aunts and 3 cousins who moved away from the rest of the family in the 1990s.

Urgh, families can be so toxic!

ChargingBuck · 10/09/2021 15:34

(I took a deep breath and kept quiet)

Grin Grin Grin

Family double standards are very hard to live with.
You're a star OP - Flowers Wine

LovePoppy · 10/09/2021 15:52

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

Then she should be following your schedule according to that.

Let the backlash be on her

tobedtoMNandfart · 10/09/2021 15:56

She's 32?!!! I assumed she was about 15 🤣

TheLittleRedToothbrush · 10/09/2021 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NCBlossom · 10/09/2021 16:17

@LovePoppy

I come from a family that has the mindset that we should do anything for each other so there will be a backlash.

Then she should be following your schedule according to that.

Let the backlash be on her

Yes I have experience of this with my husband’s family. They are always moaning and bitching about other family members, and lots of manipulative tactics. The OK ones duck under the radar and then move away. It’s like they are all bored and need to constantly bully others.

I think you will find that ‘do anything for each other’ is just another manipulation. As they won’t even turn up on time or respect your time will they? They won’t do the slightest thing for you?

There’s a pecking order. You are at the bottom. Get out of it!

Lweji · 10/09/2021 16:21

If the conversation comes up again, you don't have to justify yourself to her.
You have always had your preferred working hours, and she adjusts to those, or finds her own way to work. That is all.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/09/2021 16:30

How on earth is this you 'abandoning' your cousin?

More life 'How do I stop my cousin taking the piss?'

billy1966 · 10/09/2021 16:31

Well done, she knows your hours, end of discussion.

When it comes to family saying "don't upset her" the reply back "don't upset me" is best.

So what if she is upset, SHE is behaving badly and you are not entertaining her.👏

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/09/2021 16:32

@M0rT

If you can do anything for each other she can get up on time for you! Leave and tell her and your uncle she can have a lift as long as she is at your house when your leaving to start work at 8. Otherwise it's up to her how she gets in.
Exactly what I was going to say.

If someone is kind enough to give you a lift, you make sure that you are there on time!

Is she paying anything towards petrol OP?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/09/2021 16:45

It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be.

That is a valid reason.

This is your time. Even if all you do is sit around eating grapes, that is YOUR choice to spend YOUR time.

NCBlossom · 10/09/2021 16:51

A really, really good thing to remember is that you don’t have to explain. You can say ‘NO can’t do that’. And leave it.

My husband who had to live with his manipulative family told me that.

It’s very powerful.

Tistheseason17 · 10/09/2021 16:58

Stop worrying about upsetting her. It's only a lift and you can say no. Family will get over it. She's not a child.

Jossbow · 10/09/2021 17:05

I'd message your Uncle as he may not be aware

Hi Uncle
I am more than happy to give Cousin a lift to and from work providing she is ready at mine for 7.45 when I leave. Later doesn't work for me.

Kind reards
Darling Neice

minimecantrollerskate · 10/09/2021 17:07

She is a CF. If she wants a lift then she works around your times. So make it clear that you are leaving on the dot every day and if she is not there then you will not be waiting.

This is such entitled behaviour, to make you work the hours that she wants to work. It doesn't work for you so you need to tell her that and stick to it.

Kipperandarthur · 10/09/2021 17:34

Well done for speaking up. Stick to your guns. She is being completely out of order. And she’s 32!

I can see what you mean about she rolls home and her DM has sorted dinner her washing etc. If she doesn’t want to drive (and that is an option for her) then she must fit your work pattern.

Next week you lay it on the line that you are leaving in the morning at xxx time with or without her and likewise in the evening. Why on earth should you be put out to suit her hours. Madness. I would be very cross with her behaviour.

2pinkginsplease · 10/09/2021 18:24

She is massively taking the piss!

She sounds very entitled.

She either works the same shifts as you and is on time or she makes her own way!

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2021 18:55

Omg I saw this thread earlier but didn’t have a chance to post. Thirty blooody twooo! Daddy sounds very overbearing and this is possibly why your cousin has regressed, unless she’s had some difficulties?

GrandmaSteglitszch · 10/09/2021 19:30

What I have remembered is that I’ve got my MOT next week and would really benefit from a lift, I get the train.

There's a train she could get? Problem solved for everyone!

sloutside · 10/09/2021 19:47

It’s hard because I have no reason to be home, other than just wanting to be

You don't need a so-called "valid" reason.
I have taken a long time to learn this.

I've learned to say no to things and say "I have plans this evening".

My plans could be rolling around on the sofa watching netflix after a long bath. But they are valid plans and I don't have to do something I don't want to do just because my plan is to do something like that rather than having an actual reason (such as a music rehearsal for example)

Howshouldibehave · 10/09/2021 19:54

You don’t need to give anyone a reason-it’s your choice! You like starting early and finishing early-perfectly sensible!

StoneofDestiny · 10/09/2021 20:15

You've given her the times that suits you - you are the driver. If she wants different times let her make her own arrangements. She is one mega CF to dictate terms!

Larryyourwaiter · 10/09/2021 20:40

I was coming on to say early morning driving is the best way to practice.

Heartofglass12345 · 10/09/2021 20:59

Am I the only one who wants to know what job you do where you can go in whenever you want haha