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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First ever post. Am I being unreasonable?

274 replies

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Apologies all but I’m going insane and need your help.

Me and OH both 34 being together nearly 3 years. Both divorced previously and I’ve a nearly 5 year old and then we’ve just had a baby in July and fair to say we’re really happy.

I’m a only child and close with my parents, he is with his parents but also has a older brother who got married to his wife in 2019. When we met they were abit weary but accepted as long as he was happy, we then ended up building quite a nice relationship. We’d go for meals out as a 4, with his parents and even went away for the night together.

Just before covid and a few months after their marriage, brothers wife became pregnant. We were so happy for them and little girl arrived September 2020.

October 2020 me and OH discussed also having a family together. He had no children, after lockdown and seeing my son on his own I didn’t want him to be a only child like me and the decision was made to start trying with a view that it would take a few months and probably have a baby towards end of 2021. In fact it happened immediately 🙈 hence baby born in July.

Once everything ok at 12 weeks (week before Christmas) we told family. Both parents shocked but so happy another grandchild will be coming. OH told brother, his reply “bit soon”. I told his wife and her reply “I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first”.

To not taint our happiness we let it go, unfortunately tho it ate away at my partner because then over the course of my pregnancy they disappeared off the face of the earth. We heard nothing from
them and it became quite clear there was a problem.

Present day/this week, brother wife removed both me and OH off social media. It came to an head as clearly there was a problem.

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight. My OH is in disbelief, his parents have never had any favourites with them or grandchildren they’re so fair. He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

Me and OH don’t use this social media platform often but can’t understand why it’s an issue. Apparently I liked a picture of their daughter with wife’s brother and nothing else. I genuinely can’t even recall this and can only assume it’s been clicked in error as I don’t make a habit of liking stuff and I don’t always see it.

Anyway both brother and wife say they’re over it but wife won’t be socialising with us unless for family occasions and brother will try build relationship with OH alone. We don’t find this acceptable, we have said we are too upset and still amazed at their views (which apparently they’re entitled too) to then pretend to play happy families when necessary.

Apparently we need to accept we’ve upset them too, they’re allowed these views and we need to now move on and get on for their mum and dad.

Both me and OH disagree with this.

Sorry for the lengthy post but the question is who’s the unreasonable one? Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
DerAlteMann · 10/09/2021 23:05

"To use a technical.....

StoneofDestiny · 10/09/2021 23:57

Your BIL and SIL are total idiots and sound too immature to have children. They clearly want a spotlight on them and only them.

Ignore them and let them wallow in their self made misery.

LittleMissMe99 · 11/09/2021 17:24

They sound ridiculous. It's like something my 5 year old would argue about

MeredithGreyishblue · 11/09/2021 17:36

Do they realise there's about 1800 babies born every day in the UK? They haven't done anything unique. "Their time" Hmm

Batshitery

dottiedodah · 11/09/2021 17:43

Notonthestairs That sounds lovely ! My DC cousins are all older and 3 out of 5 live abroad.Honestly what kind of people resent having a nice little cousin for their own DC? Poor OP these people sound completely Batshit to me!

Murdoch1949 · 11/09/2021 17:51

This totally sounds as if it is coming from your sister-in-law, and brother-in-law is trying to keep the peace. She is being paranoid and a little bit entitled, as if anyone can actually choose when they are going to get pregnant. I actually see it as positive that the 2 cousins will be playmates, as they'll be close in age. She is being ridiculous not wanting to spend time with you, you should focus on having good times with your brother-in-law, hopefully she'll feel she's missing out and rejoin the group.

Scottsy100 · 11/09/2021 18:02

They are being proper CF’ers, ignore it, get on with your lives, can’t believe people can be so petty thinking the world revolves around them

Vixyboo · 11/09/2021 18:08

Total psychos!

Pinkbatrobi · 11/09/2021 18:09

Not only they are being ridiculous, but if I were you I would tell them how hurt I am that they did not appreciate efforts made ( Halo!) to ensure the two cousins were close in age so they could be friends for life... LOL

Pinkandpink · 11/09/2021 18:15

What a couple of bloody weirdos

peppermintpat · 11/09/2021 18:17

Show them this thread (sorry if already mentioned, I didnt read all the replies). That'll teach 'em.

Ibelieveinghosts · 11/09/2021 18:24

They’re batshit crazy!

urbanstroller · 11/09/2021 18:32

My brother and SIL had a DC 7 months before my DC, SIL's two are a year older and a year younger than mine. Cousins play togeter all the time go on holidays together. Brilliant!

Bard6817 · 11/09/2021 18:39

What utter idiots.

Welllockmedown · 11/09/2021 18:43

The fact that your FIL has said sort it out clearly says to me he is disappointed. Personally, I would turn around and tell them both to grow up, stop acting like children themselves and either accept that there are 2 cousins close in age or leave you all alone. I certainly didn't tolerate it when I was pregnant the same time as my SIL and you and your OH shouldn't either. They're being idiots.

Shona52 · 11/09/2021 18:54

They are absolutely mad. My DH preposed to me 5 weeks later my DB asked his GF. A month after that my DH brother asked his gf to marry him. Forward a year we all got married within 3 months of each other and fast forward another year we all had our 1st babies within 6 months of each other. It's called life!!!!

If does not revolve around a single person in a family and it's ridiculous that they have these issues in nothing

Madamum18 · 11/09/2021 18:55

Ridiculous. I think brother is trying to keep a very difficult drama queen wife happy! Tell them both that you understand that they are upset. You do not agree with their views but so be it. And say that hopefully in the future the 2 cousins will enjoy each others company.

Baxterbear · 11/09/2021 19:03

I feel your pain at having unreasonable family members! When my son was born, my mum in law told me she will always love her daughter's son more than mine and true to her word, my 9 year old has never spent 5 minutes alone with his grandparents! To make matters worse, my son sees all the photos they plaster on social media of the family events, day trips, etc that he isnt ever invited to! Shame on you Linda, you should treat all your grandchildren the same!

InFiveMins · 11/09/2021 19:05

You need to stop pandering to them, seriously. They are nuts and by pandering to them you are encouraging their behaviour.

Move on with your lives and leave them to theirs.

billy1966 · 11/09/2021 19:11

I think stepping away now fimly is the correct path.

Give them loads of space.

Some people seek drama where there is none, and will then cause it if necessary.

They sound like they could be the cause of huge conflict in your lives at an otherwise busy and happy time.

Just step away.

If it comes up with your parents in laws, just say on a loop "we respect their wish to not be involved with us as a family, have made our peace with it, and have no wish to talk about it".

Don't give them the satisfaction of being upset.

Take their power away.

They are batshit and are best avoided.

Your lives will be better without them.

Enjoy your in laws, in peace.Flowers

maria57 · 11/09/2021 19:22

I would keep my distance from them. If they are like that now it wont get any better as competition will continue right through both childrens life. They are both pathetic...leave them to it. In an ideal world it would be great for both children to be close and get on well together as they are growing up. But I dont think you are going to get any peace with these two...they will always have a gripe about her child and your child and who is getting the most attention from Grandparents etc. Let them get on with and lead your lives separately for a bit of peace of mind.

FatLarrysBand · 11/09/2021 19:25

I've read your posts with increasing incredulity, OP. I'm actually astonished that they have 'a lovely life with plenty of money' because, honestly, I have trouble believing that people this fucking egocentric and narcissistic manage to interact with people in such a way as to be successful in their jobs and day-to-day lives. I really mean that. At least they've found each other, to contain their batshit behaviour a bit.

I'd be telling your in-laws that you can't 'sort it out' because the problem is not of your making, and you can't reason with pathological stupidity.

amysaurus87 · 11/09/2021 19:38

You BIL and SIL are insane. YADNBU.

adeleh · 11/09/2021 19:41

Fucking helll. Who are the 3% who think you’re being unreasonable. Your in-laws sound batshit.

Happyher · 11/09/2021 19:47

Don’t rise to their bait. Don’t stoop to their lows. Live by your own morals and standards. Carry on being polite when you see them and chat like nothing had happened despite how they behave. Suspect SIL is the main protagonist here and is an attention seeker which she feels you are stealing from her. Be the bigger person, be mature and make it easier for P/MIL to deal with. Don’t let them feel they have to choose

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