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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First ever post. Am I being unreasonable?

274 replies

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Apologies all but I’m going insane and need your help.

Me and OH both 34 being together nearly 3 years. Both divorced previously and I’ve a nearly 5 year old and then we’ve just had a baby in July and fair to say we’re really happy.

I’m a only child and close with my parents, he is with his parents but also has a older brother who got married to his wife in 2019. When we met they were abit weary but accepted as long as he was happy, we then ended up building quite a nice relationship. We’d go for meals out as a 4, with his parents and even went away for the night together.

Just before covid and a few months after their marriage, brothers wife became pregnant. We were so happy for them and little girl arrived September 2020.

October 2020 me and OH discussed also having a family together. He had no children, after lockdown and seeing my son on his own I didn’t want him to be a only child like me and the decision was made to start trying with a view that it would take a few months and probably have a baby towards end of 2021. In fact it happened immediately 🙈 hence baby born in July.

Once everything ok at 12 weeks (week before Christmas) we told family. Both parents shocked but so happy another grandchild will be coming. OH told brother, his reply “bit soon”. I told his wife and her reply “I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first”.

To not taint our happiness we let it go, unfortunately tho it ate away at my partner because then over the course of my pregnancy they disappeared off the face of the earth. We heard nothing from
them and it became quite clear there was a problem.

Present day/this week, brother wife removed both me and OH off social media. It came to an head as clearly there was a problem.

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight. My OH is in disbelief, his parents have never had any favourites with them or grandchildren they’re so fair. He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

Me and OH don’t use this social media platform often but can’t understand why it’s an issue. Apparently I liked a picture of their daughter with wife’s brother and nothing else. I genuinely can’t even recall this and can only assume it’s been clicked in error as I don’t make a habit of liking stuff and I don’t always see it.

Anyway both brother and wife say they’re over it but wife won’t be socialising with us unless for family occasions and brother will try build relationship with OH alone. We don’t find this acceptable, we have said we are too upset and still amazed at their views (which apparently they’re entitled too) to then pretend to play happy families when necessary.

Apparently we need to accept we’ve upset them too, they’re allowed these views and we need to now move on and get on for their mum and dad.

Both me and OH disagree with this.

Sorry for the lengthy post but the question is who’s the unreasonable one? Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 10/09/2021 14:18

What does his parents think about it all?

WomanStanleyWoman · 10/09/2021 14:42

The social media thing is really weird too but I have come across this before! One of my friends once got herself really wound up that certain mutual friends of ours never liked her posts on Facebook even though she was sure they’d seen them! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from a mature, middle aged woman! She said she went through and checked who liked her posts and who commented on her posts compared to those of our other friends. I told her she was batshit and had too much time on her hands if she noticed that. She also said that some people made lovely heartfelt comments while others were more bland or generic. I think that was aimed at me...

I’m amazed at how obsessive people get about this. I commented once on a (now ex) friend’s post and he replied ‘Ooh, a comment from Stanley - we ARE honoured! What’s the occasion?’ I didn’t realise I HAD to comment on friend’s posts!

Another one posted this long rant about how nobody cared; she spent so much time liking posts, commenting, investing in what people were saying and she got NOTHING back. Her mom was ill at the time, so I took it as a reaction to that, as she posted again a week or so later about how no one was bothering to ask about her mom and why did nobody care. I do understand she was upset, but realistically, while I’d expect close friends to keep in touch if a parent was ill, I wouldn’t expect the hundreds of old school friends and former colleagues I have on my Facebook list to post daily messages of support.

LBirch02 · 10/09/2021 14:48

I’m now tempted to go back a year and do a bar-graph of my Facebook likes and comments coloured in with felt tip pen! Should keep me occupied if nothing else!
You’ll then be seeing threads on MN “AIBU? My friend has a bar graph of her Facebook friends’ activity on her kitchen wall. AIBU to think this is odd? Should I say something /let the friendship drift? “

WomanStanleyWoman · 10/09/2021 14:53

GrinGrinGrin

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 10/09/2021 14:55

They sound nuts. No one knows how long it can take to get pregnant. They are idiots

Di11y · 10/09/2021 15:59

My and my 2 cousins (live close so like sisters) had 6 children between us in the space of 4 years, there's less than 6 months between several of them. It was a huge blessing, so sad your SIL and BIL are acting this way. They are really missing out

BreadInCaptivity · 10/09/2021 16:25

I appreciate many of you saying rise above it etc, smile and wave but that’s not my personality and unfortunately my OH is too hot headed to be able to do that. For our own well-being’s it’s probably for the best snd as you all say, enjoy our baby. After all, if it wasn’t this, it would have been something else.

I think your OH is right.

There's absolutely no point indulging shitty behaviour. It serves only to encourage it.

Fundamentally you and your OH can't fix what you haven't broken, nor should you be expected to tolerate their demands/terms which are frankly ridiculous.

So yes, letting them stew in their own juices seems the way to go and hopefully they'll manage to pull their heads from out of their backsides in the near future.

catndogslife · 10/09/2021 16:39

Another vote for YANBU here.

I am sure that your OHs parents are delighted with both of their grandchildren.

EL8888 · 10/09/2021 16:43

@BreadInCaptivity all this. I would do nothing.

Trying to placate or indulge them would be mistake. It’s a massive case of PFB and self obsession / absorption by them. Plus what happens if you get pregnant again and you haven’t consulted them about when you’re allowed to? If you have twins or triplets etc then they will lose their shit!!

Chatterboxy · 10/09/2021 16:43

They need to grow up!

FuckingFabulous · 10/09/2021 16:51

My BIL and SIL are equally ridiculous. We didn't arrange our own wedding to suit their convenience, and as a result, they've not spoken to us for six years. They've ignored our children, they've refused to allow us to even send a birthday card to their children and they make nasty comments about us to family and avoid any gatherings we're a part of. I couldn't care less, neither could DH but MIL and FIL are upset and FIL thinks we should apologise to BIL and tell him we're sorry for getting married on a weekend where he wanted to go on holiday. No, we will not

WhatAShilohPitt · 10/09/2021 21:14

They need to get over themselves. They sound like attention seeking brats who hate sharing the spotlight, not adults. Nobody gets ANY say in when other couples do or don’t get to have a baby.

HungryHippo11 · 10/09/2021 21:19

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight.

They're stupid. Youre probably better off not getting to know them.

Incidentally i have been in exactly the same position as them (in fact "worse" by their reconning) - My SIL had a baby 3 months after my first. My other SIL had a baby 6 weeks after my second. It means neither of mine ever got to be the youngest grandchild, but that's not really a "thing" is it. They have cousins close in age which is nice.

RampantIvy · 10/09/2021 21:21

Someone needs to tell them to grow up and stop being so childish. Both children will lose out on having a relationship with their cousin because of their ridiculous behaviour.

Figgygal · 10/09/2021 21:26

They need to grow the fuck up

PumpkinsGalore · 10/09/2021 21:28

Wow!!!! So they had a child, purely for limelight?!?! Poor kid.

thepeopleversuswork · 10/09/2021 21:29

They sound unhinged and you sound well shot of them. It never ceases to amaze me where people find the mental space for this sort of nonsense.

WhatsTheBFD · 10/09/2021 21:31

I managed to have a baby at the same time as my Uncle - TWICE Grin He was fucking incandescent with rage. I see the man once a year at Christmas (he is foul and that’s being polite…).

The first time I didn’t even know he had a partner, and he was 42 (I was 21). Second time, I was 29, he was 51, my third child, his second.

My Grandad, who is a very, very quiet man, told my Uncle “Stop being a spoilt, entitled twat, you’re having what will be a Grandchild, she is having what will be a Great Grandchild. Both cause for celebration and will bring us all joy.”

I had never heard him swear before, and haven’t since Biscuit My Dad was howling with laughter when I told him (also avoids his brother at all costs).

WhatsTheBFD · 10/09/2021 21:31

Grin not Biscuit

Leibham · 10/09/2021 21:35

They’ve been extremely awful. The first thing I’d think of is how lovely for the DC to be similar in age cousins.

JustBrowwsing · 10/09/2021 21:41

They sound fucking mental.

Cherrysoup · 10/09/2021 21:45

He says he was brought up allow time between big events. My OH says he’s never heard such thing despite having same upbringing.

So obviously bollocks. There is no choice but to go lc/nc, they’re clearly batshit.

Pinkspecs · 10/09/2021 21:51

What a pair of weirdos.Confused
YANBU .

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 10/09/2021 22:33

“ MIL is angry extremely angry at what they have said and can’t speak to BIL for fear of repercussions as understandly they want relationship with their GC.”

Your BIL and SIL are controlling narcissists. Your parents in law are scared of being blocked from seeing GC, that says it all.

It’s very sad but bugger all you can do about it. Ignore them, make new friends and live your best lives. What’s sad is they are depriving cousins the chance of growing up together. My kids have had the same treatment because I refused to play along with sibling in laws games, and it’s miserable seeing your kids begging to know their cousins and being deprived. We keep asking but they refuse, and again I’ve no idea what it was I did wrong, beyond host PIL for a meal one time. Very sad.

DerAlteMann · 10/09/2021 23:04

Your BIL & SIL are deranged. To you a technical medical term, they are Dagenham. Two stops beyond barking.