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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First ever post. Am I being unreasonable?

274 replies

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 08:20

Apologies all but I’m going insane and need your help.

Me and OH both 34 being together nearly 3 years. Both divorced previously and I’ve a nearly 5 year old and then we’ve just had a baby in July and fair to say we’re really happy.

I’m a only child and close with my parents, he is with his parents but also has a older brother who got married to his wife in 2019. When we met they were abit weary but accepted as long as he was happy, we then ended up building quite a nice relationship. We’d go for meals out as a 4, with his parents and even went away for the night together.

Just before covid and a few months after their marriage, brothers wife became pregnant. We were so happy for them and little girl arrived September 2020.

October 2020 me and OH discussed also having a family together. He had no children, after lockdown and seeing my son on his own I didn’t want him to be a only child like me and the decision was made to start trying with a view that it would take a few months and probably have a baby towards end of 2021. In fact it happened immediately 🙈 hence baby born in July.

Once everything ok at 12 weeks (week before Christmas) we told family. Both parents shocked but so happy another grandchild will be coming. OH told brother, his reply “bit soon”. I told his wife and her reply “I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first”.

To not taint our happiness we let it go, unfortunately tho it ate away at my partner because then over the course of my pregnancy they disappeared off the face of the earth. We heard nothing from
them and it became quite clear there was a problem.

Present day/this week, brother wife removed both me and OH off social media. It came to an head as clearly there was a problem.

OH spoke to brother who confirmed they didn’t like we had our baby as soon as we did, they told us it was their time and we essentially stole the limelight. My OH is in disbelief, his parents have never had any favourites with them or grandchildren they’re so fair. He then told OH that his wife did that on social media because we don’t like enough pictures of their daughter.

Me and OH don’t use this social media platform often but can’t understand why it’s an issue. Apparently I liked a picture of their daughter with wife’s brother and nothing else. I genuinely can’t even recall this and can only assume it’s been clicked in error as I don’t make a habit of liking stuff and I don’t always see it.

Anyway both brother and wife say they’re over it but wife won’t be socialising with us unless for family occasions and brother will try build relationship with OH alone. We don’t find this acceptable, we have said we are too upset and still amazed at their views (which apparently they’re entitled too) to then pretend to play happy families when necessary.

Apparently we need to accept we’ve upset them too, they’re allowed these views and we need to now move on and get on for their mum and dad.

Both me and OH disagree with this.

Sorry for the lengthy post but the question is who’s the unreasonable one? Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 10/09/2021 12:34

Congratulations on your baby, I am so pleased for you and, frankly, most people will be.

Your sister in law said: "I would of thought brothers parents would of had longer to enjoy our child first".

Apart from her appalling grammar, that is a horrible thing to say.

I would have thought it would be nice for two cousins to be of similar age.

ThePlumVan · 10/09/2021 12:38

They’re Batshit.

If it wasn’t over this, it would have been some else equally ridiculous.

BreadInCaptivity · 10/09/2021 12:41

They are being utterly and unnecessarily divisive.

In reverse do they think you should be allowed to dictate when they have additional children?

Given you don't believe there is a backstory (or at least one they don't want to tell) I can only assume that they are upset at the isolation re: COVID where your PIL didn't get to spend as much time with their baby as expected and this feel they've "lost" that PFB experience only to see you be the recipients of it.

Frankly I think in your situation I'd just back off and be polite/civil (but no more) at family events until they regain their senses/perspective.

I certainly wouldn't engage in this nonsense that they are allegedly "over it" but won't socialise with you and will rebuild a relationship only between the brothers.

You've nothing to apologise for and there's no point whatsoever in enabling their "terms of peace" that would suggest you had done something wrong, when in fact the reverse is true.

As for your PIL, of course they are entitled to stay out of it but frankly if one of my children was behaving this way towards the other I'd absolutely be having words with them about how ridiculous/childish their behaviour was.

HoppingPavlova · 10/09/2021 12:43

I would have thought having a cousin close in age is really advantageous? They will occupy each other at family gatherings for the next 14/15 years! What’s not to like!

FuckPilledLatteplus · 10/09/2021 12:44

Both of us have literally begged and cried to them to tell us as we’d hate to think we have caused this

Fgs stop grovelling. They’re not worth it, you’re better off without them.

Your sil sounds like one of those women who think they invented childbirth and think they’re the first woman to ever give birth. People have babies everyday, it’s bloody strange adults thinking they can dictate to others when they’re allowed to have babies.

You saying it’s unlikely she could have PND because she’s got a nice life and spends a lot of money is a bit strange though.

Colouringaddict · 10/09/2021 12:45

I had 2 DGD born within 2 months of each other. I was just happy both had arrived safely and both mum’s were healthy too. No one took the shine from anyone else. Sounds like they need a large slice of “grow the f* up”
Enjoy your baby, don’t let their views change a thing

ZombeaArthur · 10/09/2021 12:51

The same thing happened to me. My SIL stopped talking to me when we were lucky enough to conceive a few month after them. She admitted to mutual friends that she was angry we hadn’t stopped TTC when they announced her pregnancy. Eventually she became openly hostile to DH and I and treated our children as if they were invisible. I’m not sure they ever actually acknowledged that our youngest had been born! It’s been years and we’ve never been forgiven.

She’s now fallen out with the entire family for reasons nobody really knows, although she’s unbelievably controlling so I assume at some point everyone else did something she didn’t like. Now she and BIL have no contact with anyone.

Yummymummy2020 · 10/09/2021 12:53

They sound mental 😂 you are well rid. Limelight??? Are they only having children for the fuss??? I’d be inclined to just let them crack on and not trouble myself any further over them op!

Lollipop40 · 10/09/2021 12:57

Can’t quite believe how they’re acting! Maybe one day they’ll realise how ridiculous they’ve been!

The social media thing is really weird too but I have come across this before! One of my friends once got herself really wound up that certain mutual friends of ours never liked her posts on Facebook even though she was sure they’d seen them! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from a mature, middle aged woman! She said she went through and checked who liked her posts and who commented on her posts compared to those of our other friends. I told her she was batshit and had too much time on her hands if she noticed that. She also said that some people made lovely heartfelt comments while others were more bland or generic. I think that was aimed at me...

Said friend posts very frequently about everything she does, takes photos of everything, with gushing commentary and descriptions on every photo. It’s a bit cringey to be honest but each to their own.

BeeDavis · 10/09/2021 12:58

Set of self-obsessed arseholes, simple as. They cannot dictate when other people have children, family politics is just ridiculous when it comes to this kind of stuff. Me and my fiancé told his nana in March that we were expecting a baby and the first thing she said was ‘Oh fiance’s cousin and his wife will be gutted about that’ Sorry what?! Because they were apparently trying for a child we had to feel bad that we were having one before them!! They’re pregnant now and due next year, we’re due in 3 weeks.. drama over nothing! Pissed me right off. Ignore them and let them stew in their jealousy.

IsMaithLiomLeaba · 10/09/2021 12:59

We had the first grandchild on both sides earlier this year and since having her, my brother and my partners sister are both (separately) expecting babies soon. We could not be more excited for our DD to have little cousins! And don't feel like our limelight has been stolen in the slightest. Your BIL and wife are nuts Confused

RampantIvy · 10/09/2021 13:09

3% out of 847 votes said YABU. Who are these 25 people who think that this behaviour is acceptable?

MrsKJones · 10/09/2021 13:10

Families are bat shit. A friend of mine has to be careful what they post on SM due to family commenting how they never get to do X, Y and Z like friend as lack of money or time or childcare etc etc.

You live your life according to your schedule and no one else’s. And you certainly don’t dictate what or how other people live.

I refuse to apologise for the life I have and the things I do with my family - no one sees what goes on behind the scene to make those trips out or events happen

JollyJlly · 10/09/2021 13:12

Good grief what an off pair. If this was my siblings my parents would be telling them to get a grip. What self absorbed morons. You’ve been very reasonable, much more so than I would have been. What a shame. But not your fault, goodness OP sending lots of patient thoughts as you sound like you’ve been wonderful xxx

TheRealMrsJelly · 10/09/2021 13:13

In their heads they're the victims here. You (and it's clearly YOU!) have obviously only had a baby to spite them, because you didn't like the attention their baby was getting. That's why you don't 'like' their SM pics, because you're so jealous of their baby...

People like this justify their bizarre behaviour by always, always being the victim, they twist everything to fit their narrative.

But they are nuts, you know they are. Just smile nicely and continue as you were, without them. It sounds like whatever you do will be wrong to them, so just let it wash over you and move on.

Lollipop40 · 10/09/2021 13:13

@RampantIvy

3% out of 847 votes said YABU. Who are these 25 people who think that this behaviour is acceptable?
They might think op is being unreasonable by wasting so much time worrying about it?
Noodledoodledoo · 10/09/2021 13:16

My SIL bought a puppy - a replacement child/grandchild - to beat us! Sadly it worked as well. MIL is more interested in the dogs than her grandchildren!

I just inwardly think bad things!

Gimlisaxe · 10/09/2021 13:16

Both of us have literally begged and cried to them

I would take a step back from you, if this is how you behave generally.

But also you both need to take a step back, chances are they are enjoying the power they seem to have over you and living rent free in your head

PerpendicularVincent · 10/09/2021 13:25

They're both nuts and you shouldn't be 'begging and crying'. If they're only seeing you during family events then you've had a lucky escape. Why are you entertaining their bullshit?

Canii · 10/09/2021 13:25

A normal couple would be thrilled their child had a cousin a similar age to grow up with.
They’re fucking nuts. Seriously lost the plot. Who the fuck do they think they are.

DoubleTweenQueen · 10/09/2021 13:29

How completely ridiculous! Baby’s don’t come on a timetable. You can plan as much as you like, but you can’t control it.

Sorry you are in this situation :(

FuckPilledLatteplus · 10/09/2021 13:32

3% out of 847 votes said YABU. Who are these 25 people who think that this behaviour is acceptable?

A pp said they voted YABU for caring what the brother and sil think and still wanting to have a relationship with them

RedMarauder · 10/09/2021 14:03

@Canii

A normal couple would be thrilled their child had a cousin a similar age to grow up with. They’re fucking nuts. Seriously lost the plot. Who the fuck do they think they are.
Agreed.

I don't have any cousins close in age to me. Some of my older siblings and some of my nieces and nephews do. The adult ones frequently hang out together.

Babybear1787 · 10/09/2021 14:14

Hi everyone. Sorry probably need to rephrase the “begged and cried” as that seems to have been misconstrued and I think it’s been taken out of context (bad grammar/phrasing on my part)

We have cried by being hurt by this. Not directly to them but we have told them this has really upset us and they still stand by their opinion.

Begged - again a figure of speech, probably more probed or question if there is anything more. OH had 2 lengthy conversations with brother and I had one with him then too to try be abit more impartial and less chance of arguing, as expected it wasn’t successful and this is where we are now.

Parents have been advised. MIL is angry extremely angry at what they have said and can’t speak to BIL for fear of repercussions as understandly they want relationship with their GC. FIL don’t think understands fully what’s happened, said they didn’t want to get involved in Instagram business as they don’t understand it but accepts he doesn’t really know where to go from here.

OH said to parents that we have to go with NC at the moment because we are both so hurt, disappointed and angry. Also we both agree, why do we want people like that in our lives.

Thankfully, family occasions are rare as very small family but PIL will sadly have to accept things will now be done seperately and we hope by doing this, MIL will still have a relationship with their child.

I appreciate many of you saying rise above it etc, smile and wave but that’s not my personality and unfortunately my OH is too hot headed to be able to do that. For our own well-being’s it’s probably for the best snd as you all say, enjoy our baby. After all, if it wasn’t this, it would have been something else.

OP posts:
summersolstice43 · 10/09/2021 14:16

My SIL and myself were both pregnant at the same time, both had girls 12 weeks apart and they have grown up together, we've supported each other and share experiences also. I think thats how things should be not family being at war and pathetic with each other. Sounds like they need to grow up a bit.

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