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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

573 replies

summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:09

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

OP posts:
WitchBaby · 09/09/2021 16:46

You weren't bothered about the germs but 'the touch itself'? Why?

Stonerosie67 · 09/09/2021 16:46

Nice one op....you've now made an old man who was acting out of kindness feel awful
Proud of yourself?
YABU, and ridiculous.

Porcupineintherough · 09/09/2021 16:46

It's a generational and a cultural thing. In the olden days people interacted w babies and would stroke their cheeks. In other countries people interact with babies and stroke their cheeks.

Your best bet is to make a "hands off" badge.

Hopdathelf · 09/09/2021 16:47

Oh god, now are you suggesting he was maybe a nonce?

Original poster
summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:47

@Ionlydomassiveones

I can see why it was disconcerting, but to go and patronisingly tell him off over something that was clearly well intentioned and not meaning harm makes you the dick in this situation.

One day you’ll be old and out of step - you’ll want people to be kind to you. You weren’t kind. Reflect on that and the sort of society and values you want your precious child to live in.

Wow! Thanks for calling me a dick. I don’t think I was patronising. I just told him I was upset that he touched my child. And yes - my child is precious - to me. Are yours precious to you?
OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 09/09/2021 16:48

@summerisler

Thanks all for your replies - I’ve found them really illuminating. Fwiw - I was polite when I spoke to the gentleman, who was with his wife (I assume). Raised tones and offensive language it was not, I can assure you. Regarding germs - that wasn’t really my worry at all. My DD plays around on the floor at home all day, puts everything in her mouth and yes, has eaten dirt and sand. I was more bothered by the touch itself. I also wasn’t bothered about him picking up the toy - I was just giving context. As I have an older child I don’t really consider myself a ‘new mum’ but I appreciate the concern about my own sense of isolation/anxiety during this weird time. I’m ok - thankyou!
Ok on reading your last post can you tell us what was it about "the touch" that bothered you?
Original poster
summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:49

@Hopdathelf

Oh god, now are you suggesting he was maybe a nonce?
What? No. I am not suggesting that at all! I’m not mad. When I spoke to him I actually said that I was sure he was well intentioned but it upset me and he apologised.
OP posts:
workshy44 · 09/09/2021 16:49

This is v much a new thing being so possessive and germ anxious over children. I remember flying and a random women holding my baby as I got bags organized
I thought nothing of it and I was delighted for her help. People were very good when I was a young mother out and about helping. It never occurred to me to be upset or bothered over it. Most people are really lovely
You are not wrong to be upset but I would not have said anything, poor man. Thought he was doing something nice and probably feels awful

girlmom21 · 09/09/2021 16:50

I don't understand why you were upset if it wasn't to do with germs etc.

Why was it actually an issue? He didn't harm baby or have any intention of harming the baby. There was nothing malicious, creepy etc. Why did it upset you?

RedMarauder · 09/09/2021 16:50

Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Staff in cafes and restaurants would hold my DD from when she was 2 weeks old.

By the time she was one only people who knew her would want to hold her, though plenty of people would engage her in conversation even though she talked complete shit back.

Original poster
summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:51

I think maybe I’m just thinking about it being unwanted. I didn’t give my permission and my DD can’t. Germs weren’t a concern - as I’ve said, though I know other mums would be bothered by that.

OP posts:
Port1aCastis · 09/09/2021 16:51

Poor man! You've made him feel like shit when he was trying to be kind

phishy · 09/09/2021 16:52

It’s posts like these why I don’t even bother interacting with children that approach me anymore.

I do not even smile at kids looking at me anymore because of people like OP.

DappledThings · 09/09/2021 16:53

But what upset you? If it isn't a germ concern then what actually is the big deal? This wouldn't have even registered with me as a thing.

When DC2 was tiny, 3 or 4 weeks, I asked a stranger in a cafe to hold her while I got the sling sorted because she was fussing and her being held was easier. Strangers briefly touching or holding your child isn't some horrific act, it's very normal.

Thesnakeminder · 09/09/2021 16:54

Poor man. I hope he isn’t upset about this.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2021 16:54

I do think for parents who have become parents during the pandemic, who've waited months and months to even wave their baby in front of a window for their parents to meet them, strangers touching etc can feel really out of step with how we've had to be with our kids so far.

However the fact that this man walked off and then OP went over to him to reprimand him means she had long enough to think through her response and to realise there's more risk of her child catching covid from the cafe in general than from a touched cheek it just screams of her wanting to put him in his place and make him feel bad.

DS is 6. We've had so many people on the bus over the years that have talked to him we have our own bus friends who ask after him now when I see them. He's been touched and given sweets and coins. I feel weird about the coins but I think, maybe they don't have grandkids to dote on or maybe they have controlling DIL family who don't let them do such stuff and it makes them happy.

LadyWithLapdog · 09/09/2021 16:54

Blimey. You’ll make lots of enemies unnecessarily by giving everyone a piece of your mind, even politely. It hasn’t made you feel better, though, as you’re checking on here if it was appropriate.

lobster12 · 09/09/2021 16:55

I feel so bad for the man, if he's an over thinker like me he'll probably be going over it in his head and cringing, maybe worrying he's offended other people by just being kind and showing affection.

Notonthestairs · 09/09/2021 16:56

Yes to children eating sand and dirt and fingers in mouths but no to a gentle pet on the cheek.
That's quite contrary really. Whatever the worst thing you thought would happen didn't happen. Your child wasn't distressed or hurt or anything else.

Which made the follow up conversation even more unnecessary.

campion · 09/09/2021 16:56

Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

My mum used to hand me and my twin brother to random bus passengers whilst she sorted the pushchair into some sort of storage area (buses weren't as well designed then).
No-one objected, no-one ran off with us - as far as I can tell! - and I've lived to tell the tale.

What did you think could possibly happen OP?

Thedogscollar · 09/09/2021 16:56

@summerisler

I think maybe I’m just thinking about it being unwanted. I didn’t give my permission and my DD can’t. Germs weren’t a concern - as I’ve said, though I know other mums would be bothered by that.
Ok and you are entitled to feel like that.

I just think it is a very sad reflection on society that a stroke of a childs cheek has caused so much strife that you felt the need to actually approach the elderly gentleman and for him to feel he had to apologise for what he thought was a kind gesture.

Children learn through interaction OP, not only family interaction but social contact with lots of strangers as they grow. It is what hopefully results in a well rounded adult.

ScribblingPixie · 09/09/2021 16:57

God, that poor man and his wife. They'll probably be too worried to even say hello to kids in the future, what a rotten thing to do.

girlmom21 · 09/09/2021 16:58

If he'd have asked if he could stroke your child's cheek what would you have said/thought? He couldn't win, could he?

Strangevipers · 09/09/2021 16:58

Generation thing

He's likely missed speaking with people due to Covid

But he Shouldn't be getting in close proximity because of Covid at the moment

It is likely his heart was in the right place

undetetected · 09/09/2021 16:59

I don't even get the point in confronting him. You won't see him again, and he wasn't pestering your child, it was a single touch

Like everyone else said, you just ruined the poor blokes day for what he believed to be a kind innocent gesture

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