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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

573 replies

summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:09

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

OP posts:
hangrylady · 09/09/2021 17:27

Yes definitely generational. People never used to be so uptight and precious.

MargaretThursday · 09/09/2021 17:28

@peoplewatching

I hope you were polite to the older man, he clearly meant no harm.
I don't think doing that could be done politely. However "polite" you tried to be, it would be upsetting for anyone to be chased after and told that their actions were "inappropriate".

When the actions were meant kindly and this clearly was, the only inappropriate action was from the OP.

ivfbabymomma1 · 09/09/2021 17:28

Aw the man was just being nice! This wouldn't bother me at all! Maybe if they were days old....

CityCommuter · 09/09/2021 17:28

@summerisler it's a generational thing and surely you know that! Poor old man was being nice by picking up your baby's toy and most elderly people love babies and find them so cute... for all you know he might live on his own and not have anyone to talk to for days on end so this experience of being told off by you won't do him any good and will most likely have upset him. Maybe you should stop being so paranoid and self centred and try being nice instead. The world doesn't revolve around you and your children, think of others...

Samanabanana · 09/09/2021 17:28

@judheJ yes because that's EXACTLY the same scenario. I would obviously step in to help a child in distress. I would expect the same of any other decent human. But touching a child who is no relation to you for your own benefit (even if entirely innocent) is not ok, imho. It just pisses all over boundaries.

Why should it be ok that the OP feel uncomfortable but it's not ok to make the person who overstepped her boundaries feel uncomfortable? Such odd double standards on this thread.

butterpuffed · 09/09/2021 17:28

I feel sorry for him, I doubt he'd ever do it out of the blue, it was just because he handed her back her toy. Talk about paranoid.

Benjispruce5 · 09/09/2021 17:29

It all about context and intention for me. In this context it was a kind man picking up your child’s dropped toy and being affectionate. The intention was kind.

Laiste · 09/09/2021 17:29

I get your point OP.

Few parents these days insist a child kiss auntie this or uncle that or insist they must hug or must allow a hug. Because - body autonomy/boundaries.

Genuine question: what situations and what age does that begin?

OP is this what you're asking or not sure of? Because i think it's an interesting question.

Would i personally have been ok with a stranger touching my 1 year old? No.
Would i have said anything? No.
Why not?
I don't know. For fear of upsetting the man i guess. Is that a good reason though? .....

bakingdemon · 09/09/2021 17:29

I really wouldn't like it at all. I don't like uninvited physical contact myself so wouldn't want it for my child.

Bobmonkfish · 09/09/2021 17:30

Yes, it is generational (madness).

BigWoollyJumpers · 09/09/2021 17:30

OP, I assume you don't have any elderly relatives? What a horrible response to a lovely gesture from an elderly man. You have probably ruined his week. Well done.

Raggedyanabell · 09/09/2021 17:30

@lobster12

I feel so bad for the man, if he's an over thinker like me he'll probably be going over it in his head and cringing, maybe worrying he's offended other people by just being kind and showing affection.
I agree with this. Some people should be more thoughtful about the way they interact with others. There was nothing to be gained by going back to this man, honestly, what was the point? Poor bloke.
Halo1234 · 09/09/2021 17:31

Yabu. What kind of world would it be if we all had to over think everything like "will it cause offense if I am nice to your baby" he touched her cheek its hardly invasive. You say its not germs whats the issue? Was your baby offended that her/his boundaries had been over stepped? I doubt it. It was an elderly man being kind to a baby. No need to make him feel like he had done something wrong or something he should apologise for. Approaching him infront of his wife was unkind and not required. Your prematurely going into mumma bear mode. Have a word with yourself.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 09/09/2021 17:32

An elderly woman kept looking at ds from across the room and looking really Misty eyed, so I offered to let her hold him. It made her year. Her husband had passed and she never had any children

That’s lovely. Thanks for doing that, Soubriquet.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 09/09/2021 17:33

Hmm I’d not have liked it but as I would have been sure it was done with good intentions I wouldn’t have said anything. I might have given my kids face a quick wipe with a wet wipe.

saraclara · 09/09/2021 17:33

@ScribblingPixie

God, that poor man and his wife. They'll probably be too worried to even say hello to kids in the future, what a rotten thing to do.
Yep. I actually feel a bit damp around the eyes. My lovely lovely MIL used to approach people to admire their babies, and, I don't know for certain, but I can imagine her stroking their head or their cheeks. If you'd approached her to reprimand her, even politely, she'd have held it together to apologise to you profusely, but I guarantee that out off your sight, she'd have sobbed and worried about it for months. And never dared admire a stranger's baby again.

This has actually really upset me. You seem to be entirely devoid of empathy and kindness.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2021 17:33

Genuine question: what situations and what age does that begin? even at 1 I wouldn't force them to be cuddled, held etc if they didn't want to if it wasn't necessary. But op mentions nothings about her child being distressed (at which point she could have said "oh yes, she very wary of strangers getting too close" and touched her in a way which dissuaded further contact) so there's nothing to suggest this was against something the child would enjoy.

But of course it can't possibly be an innocent gesture, it has to be a gross violation of bodily autonomy which will explain her behaviour for the next decade as she reconciles her infant brain to the trauma 🙄

Pippapet · 09/09/2021 17:34

I don't disagree with you but I think people just want to reach out, literally. Sometimes older people in particular, as possibly the germ thing wasn't a thing in their day.

I think we can all tell when someone means no harm, he meant no harm by the sounds of it, so I wouldn't have gone in unkindly on him. I'd maybe have said something at the time nicely, or if I felt I needed to educate him afterwards I'd have said "It's lovely that you took an interest in my DD, I do appreciate it but these days it's not a good idea to touch, with the virus still being around".

saraclara · 09/09/2021 17:35

There was nothing to be gained by going back to this man, honestly, what was the point?

Exactly. I can't get my head around this. The only possible outcome was his humiliation and upset.

rainbowunicorn · 09/09/2021 17:37

You sound horrible OP. Can you really not see how a kind old man may have had a little bit of happiness, perhaps a memory of his own children as babies?
For you to actually go and confront him was a horrid thing to do, He is an elderly man who is probably feeling shit about himself now. I hope you are feeling pleased about yourself.
It is reactions like yours that make our society a more unpleasant one.
There was a time that in interaction like that would be looked on fondly and how the basis of a good, caring society is formed. We have lost much of that in this country due to people like you seeing offence in everything that people do or say.
That man will probably never look in a child's direction again, so well done for telling him off and making him feel bad.

bookh · 09/09/2021 17:37

@Samanabanana because of context and intention. She felt uncomfortable or upset at a kind, normal gesture. He was made to feel humiliated and told off for carrying out a kind gesture, after the event. Not the same at all.

Oneearringlost · 09/09/2021 17:38

OP, how do you think that elderly man felt, on his way out?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2021 17:38

@saraclara

There was nothing to be gained by going back to this man, honestly, what was the point?

Exactly. I can't get my head around this. The only possible outcome was his humiliation and upset.

Presumably so OP can feel satisfied he'll never do it again and will have thus protected other toddlers from such violation whilst the old man worries the lady with the babies thinks he's a paedophile
AtticusHoysAnus · 09/09/2021 17:38

Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

I did,

Well it was a pub we were having lunch in. Woman who worked there, a stranger to me asked for a Bosie with my son who was a few months old.
That probably highlights where I am.

Even though it went against the grain I said of course.
Everyone had a wonderful time.

Marcee · 09/09/2021 17:38

I still remember walking round the supermarket, one of my first outing with the baby. Shes sat in the trolley, she a few months old.
And shes crying her head off. I'm stressed trying to get the shopping done. And an elderly gentleman says something to her, cant remember exactly what, trying to cheer her up. But kid is shocked and stops crying and looks at me.

Man walk off round an aisle and she starts crying again. So grateful for that guy that I got a few seconds break and the feeling that people dont think I'm the worst mum ever cos my baby is crying.