Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

[summerisler]

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

What do you think is going to happen if someone touches your child?

I'd be absolutely outraged.....not.

Old news

@SpamIAm

I used to hate this anyway but a couple of months back (so before social distancing etc was relaxed) an elderly man ruffled toddler DSs hair. I was actually speechless. My friends haven't even touched my kids since Covid but this stranger thought it was fine

What harm exactly do you think will come of your child's hair being ruffled?

@WitchBaby

Poor old man. You actually approached him afterwards? Madness.

Exactly. Let’s hope the world is a kinder place when your dc are elderly OP.

People talk about “it takes a village” but doesn’t actually want that village to help…and the complains when it doesn’t

I know some people worry about kidnapping but honestly this poor woman would have taken 10 mins to even get out of her seat

Bonkers. Poor man

I feel sad for the man. He obviously felt joy at seeing your baby and then got told off for it. I think it would be fine to be inwardly annoyed if you want but confronting a kind stranger like that feels unreasonable to me.

@Soubriquet

Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

I did. An elderly woman kept looking at ds from across the room and looking really Misty eyed, so I offered to let her hold him. It made her year. Her husband had passed and she never had any children

But I know that’s not the norm.

That has genuinely brought a tear to my eye. How kind. Isn't that what we are meant to be now? I'm sure that did make her year. Human contact is so important especially with the older generation.

YANBU but I wouldn't have said anything. I've had it happen a couple of times. I'm sure it comes from a good place and probably makes them feel good. I've smiled and been pleasant to them. As a mum, it's not for me though and would rather strangers refrained from the spontaneous touching.

If it wasn't for Covid I would say it's a bit of an older generation thing, after all he had engaged with you by retrieving the toy.

I agree that it's a bit icky now, to be randomly touching people.

In non covid times, when introduced to a baby, I would normally give their little socked foot a stroke and beam at them with delight. I mean they are still people and I think they should be allowed some autonomy!

You were absolutely horrible, that poor man. He sounds very kind and you belittled him and told him off. You should be ashamed tbh.

You don't have a baby, you have a toddler, who I presume is most certainly crawling and probably walking, meaning he touches things anyway.

My baby (7mths) absolutely delights in other people, smiling, waving and 'chatting' to them. She often has her chubby little cheeks stroked or her hair ruffled or hand held. Glad she brings so much happiness to people.

Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Someone let me hold their child many years ago. She must have been around 9 months, very cute. I offered so that the father could eat his lunch with both hands and he handed her over. She was perfectly happy and so were her parents.

My friend who later joined me was horrified I had no idea who they were!

Isn't this a generational thing, from people who grew up in a less crowded and infected world. I think it's just old folks forgetting themselves, after all it's 2021, not 1951!
But as a parent you re completely right, people shouldn't do that

@TimeIhadaNameChange

Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Someone let me hold their child many years ago. She must have been around 9 months, very cute. I offered so that the father could eat his lunch with both hands and he handed her over. She was perfectly happy and so were her parents.

My friend who later joined me was horrified I had no idea who they were!

I'd quite happily hold a strangers baby...I love babies. I always say holding a baby is good for the soul! I wouldn't offer though because nowadays people think you're crazy.

She's 1, hardly a newborn baby, you're being precious. Poor bloke, how unkind of you.

Poor bloke.

What a sad time we live in when older people can’t even take an interest in babies without being a kidnap risk or a disease risk. I always laugh when people are precious about hygiene around their babies. Sprogs are known for being bouncing, crawling, toddling human cesspools. The old man probably had more to lose from his kind gesture than the OP or her baby, and he got a public dressing down for his trouble.

I know we're in a pandemic and we should all stay 2m apart etc but honestly I think you were quite unkind. Just clean her afterwards if you're worried he's passed on germs that will make her ill.

Thanks all for your replies - I’ve found them really illuminating. Fwiw - I was polite when I spoke to the gentleman, who was with his wife (I assume). Raised tones and offensive language it was not, I can assure you. Regarding germs - that wasn’t really my worry at all. My DD plays around on the floor at home all day, puts everything in her mouth and yes, has eaten dirt and sand. I was more bothered by the touch itself. I also wasn’t bothered about him picking up the toy - I was just giving context. As I have an older child I don’t really consider myself a ‘new mum’ but I appreciate the concern about my own sense of isolation/anxiety during this weird time. I’m ok - thankyou!

I bet he’s sitting at home feeling shit right now. Well done OP.

This would not have bothered me at all.

"For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD." Well that's your issue. Nobody made you.

Generational and cultural. The Turkish shopkeeper and Italian deli owner when dd was tiny would pinch her cheeks, locally both men and women put coins in her hand.
I thought it was absolutely lovely. My father put a coin into her hand the first time he saw her.
Of course given Covid it is a different situation at the moment.

@MaryShelley1818

You were absolutely horrible, that poor man. He sounds very kind and you belittled him and told him off. You should be ashamed tbh.

You don't have a baby, you have a toddler, who I presume is most certainly crawling and probably walking, meaning he touches things anyway.

My baby (7mths) absolutely delights in other people, smiling, waving and 'chatting' to them. She often has her chubby little cheeks stroked or her hair ruffled or hand held. Glad she brings so much happiness to people.

Fwiw - I actually spoke to the man in as private a setting as I could as I’m not in the habit of causing a scene. It’s not like I jumped up from my table and shouted at him! I refer to my 1 year old a a baby but yes, you’re right, she is a toddler.