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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

573 replies

summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:09

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

OP posts:
Bertiebiscuit · 11/09/2021 00:37

I totally agree with you - strangers should not touch your children unless it is absolutely necessary and sanctioned by a parent - we should bring up our children from the word go not to tolerate any old stranger crossing boundaries with them - suppose it was a girl aged 8 or 9 - of course it isn't acceptable, I would be furious and demand an apology - I don't honestly know why anyone would think this is OK

mummaelle · 11/09/2021 00:40

This happened to me in John Lewis a elderly lady stroked the cheek of my NEWBORN in her car seat, and in another shop a woman asked if I had a newborn in my buggy which I replied yes and she asked if she could have a look how odd?

saraclara · 11/09/2021 00:46

What's really odd is how recently attitudes have changed. This sort of behaviour was entirely normal when my kids were babies. And we revelled in other people thinking our babies were cute and paying them attention.

I didn't realise just how prevalent this 'don't touch' thing had become in the last two or three decades. So elderly people are highly unlikely to know that this generation of mothers are anxious and angry when someone strokes their baby's cheek or ruffles their hair.
Older people are going to make the 'mistake' of showing affection for a baby, but they really shouldn't have to face a telling off as that poor man did.

Dandy0911 · 11/09/2021 00:49

@Cuddlypinkcat

Definitely a generational thing. Young mums now are way more neurotic about these things.
Agreed. You're being a bit precious Op. I would've thanked him for grabbing the toy and left it as that. It came from a good place!
JustBrowwsing · 11/09/2021 00:59

Can understand why you felt a bit uncomfortable, especially with the recent (ongoing?) pandemic! And sure, you’re within your right to insist strangers don’t touch your baby. However it does seem a bit unnecessary to go and tell him off. Feel a bit sad thinking about the old man really. It probably added a bit of joy to his day and he was just being friendly.

Fleshmechanic · 11/09/2021 01:07

In a pandemic. With covid around. They touched not only another stranger but a vulnerable baby. What can you even say.... I understand the sentiment but he doesn't know you?? At least ask permission. Babies are not a free for all.

Peaplant20 · 11/09/2021 03:36

I’m with you OP. All logic seems to go out the window when old people see babies they can’t seem to help themselves. You’re not supposed to touch babies even before covid let alone now and I’m unsure how someone can get to such an age without ever being told that, I was aware of it before I had my own baby and I’m only 30 and don’t have many friends with babies either I’ve just read about it in the media etc. I went to a friends’ 30th recently and two(!) people tried to kiss my 12 week old on the face - I’m there thinking hello???? Have you forgotten entirely about covid (let alone the other reasons you’re not supposed to kiss babies) - you haven’t been hugged or kissed me hello but you think it’s ok to kiss a newborn baby??? I got one of those signs for my pram in the end as clearly people don’t have any common sense and need to be told.

Heliachi · 11/09/2021 04:56

This reply has been deleted

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Catisa · 11/09/2021 05:41

This:
"Have you forgotten entirely about covid (let alone the other reasons you’re not supposed to kiss babies) - you haven’t been hugged or kissed me hello but you think it’s ok to kiss a newborn baby??? "

SquarePeggyLeggy · 11/09/2021 06:00

I really don’t like it, but I think it’s generational and also cultural. We lived in a very Italian-American area, and had a very chubby baby. The older people were all over him. They’d squeeze his thighs and pinch his cheeks and say: “beautiful, beautiful!” and lots of well wishes. It was nice, but I really didn’t like it. If I’d made objections, I would have been doing that multiple times per day.
I’ve winced moved to Australia and had two more kids, nobody touches them at all! Personal space is quite large here, and bodily autonomy etc, means, in non Covid times, kids and adults will sometimes high five.

SquarePeggyLeggy · 11/09/2021 06:00

And nobody should be touching anybody right now, in case that’s not obvious.

Staryflight445 · 11/09/2021 06:43

This really frustrated me when mine were little too. Once an old lady picked up my sons hand and gave it a kiss without me having time to react.

I don’t know why these people think this is ok.

DappledThings · 11/09/2021 07:02

I don’t know why these people think this is ok
Because most people think it is OK when it happens to their children. As evidenced by the polling on this thread.

LoisLane66 · 11/09/2021 07:06

I didn't like people letting their dogs sniff around my children when they were in pushchairs (pre buggies) 'He won't bite', was often the cry when I objected or knocked the animal out of the way.
At Victoria Station (London) a man coming through the barriers stopped and made straight for my youngest son, asked if he could pick him up and gave him a hug. ' He reminds me of my son at home in Italy' he said, before stuffing a handful of notes into his puffa jacket pocket. He was 3 years old and a very beautiful boy who everyone oohed and aahed over, so this was not unusual but disconcerting nonetheless.
With COVID-19 restrictions, it's become even more the norm to restrict interaction between strangers.
I would not do that to other people's children, in fact, I take care not to engage with other people's kids.

Icequeen01 · 11/09/2021 07:17

I do wish the old man could read this post and see that the majority of mum's do not agree with the Op and we've not all gone nuts!

CrankyFrankie · 11/09/2021 07:18

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow I don’t think that, and I never even implied that. I take it you’d be perfectly happy for an unknown male to approach you and gleefully pinch your cheek then? Hmm

I’m currently in a country where it’s perfectly acceptable for strangers to wander off with your baby at any given opportunity, and they frequently do, and I’m not bothered by it.

Nonetheless, I still think the OP is addressing a legitimate feminist issue.

Aquafizzle · 11/09/2021 07:19

@Bertiebiscuit

I totally agree with you - strangers should not touch your children unless it is absolutely necessary and sanctioned by a parent - we should bring up our children from the word go not to tolerate any old stranger crossing boundaries with them - suppose it was a girl aged 8 or 9 - of course it isn't acceptable, I would be furious and demand an apology - I don't honestly know why anyone would think this is OK
'Furious and demand and apology?! Really? Gosh, so much unnecessary anger on here. It's ridiculous..
ofwarren · 11/09/2021 07:28

I would be a bit twitchy during the pandemic but in normal times it wouldn't have bothered me.
My 2 youngest were always stopped in the street, mainly by older people. They were given money, had their hair ruffled and they would usually reciprocate with a hug 😆

winesolveseverything · 11/09/2021 07:31

Bit late to this post but reminded me of something that happened in the supermarket when my eldest was little.

We were in a queue at the checkout and he was about 18 months and sitting in the trolley seat.
An elderly man joined the queue behind us and started chatting to him. I was delighted- meant I could get on with unloading/packing shopping.
Anyway a few mins later, his wife joined him. Told him off and said he shouldn't be talking to small children incase it came across the wrong way.

Honestly- is this what we have come to as a nation? A friendly older man not allowed to chat to a little toddler in a supermarket? Had someone like the OP had a go at them on a previous occasion and made them feel like that? It was so sad.

I did say that it was absolutely fine to chat to my little one.
And if he had touched his hand or hair or face briefly- then so what? What exactly is going to happen?
If you were that worried then surely you carry wipes and could give your child a quick once over afterwards?

Recessed · 11/09/2021 07:44

An elderly man leaned in and actually kissed my DD when she was a baby in her pram - now that was hugely inappropriate and gross but touching a baby's face? That's just a human instinct and act of endearment.

Member869894 · 11/09/2021 07:46

YABU. I remeber years ago getting on a bus with my two month old and toddler and assorted bags. There was a an old lady opposite my seat and she offered to take him whilst I got on.I sat opposite her about a meter away for the whole journey watching her holding him and gazing at him adoringly and giving him the odd kiss on the top of his head. It was beautiful

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 11/09/2021 07:59

Poor man. This makes me feel a bit teary actually. What an unkind world we live in.

ineedsun · 11/09/2021 08:05

@saraclara

What's really odd is how recently attitudes have changed. This sort of behaviour was entirely normal when my kids were babies. And we revelled in other people thinking our babies were cute and paying them attention.

I didn't realise just how prevalent this 'don't touch' thing had become in the last two or three decades. So elderly people are highly unlikely to know that this generation of mothers are anxious and angry when someone strokes their baby's cheek or ruffles their hair.
Older people are going to make the 'mistake' of showing affection for a baby, but they really shouldn't have to face a telling off as that poor man did.

Nah, not two or three decades. This level of neuroticism is very new. In fact I’ve only heard of it on here over the last few years, maybe because on social media there’s a big enough pond to find someone else to share your neurosis and feel justified
ineedsun · 11/09/2021 08:10

I got one of those signs for my pram in the end as clearly people don’t have any common sense and need to be told

That’s good, it gives people enough warning to avoid you, but a shame for your child.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 11/09/2021 08:12

[quote CrankyFrankie]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow I don’t think that, and I never even implied that. I take it you’d be perfectly happy for an unknown male to approach you and gleefully pinch your cheek then? Hmm

I’m currently in a country where it’s perfectly acceptable for strangers to wander off with your baby at any given opportunity, and they frequently do, and I’m not bothered by it.

Nonetheless, I still think the OP is addressing a legitimate feminist issue.[/quote]
I think the point you may have overlooked is that I'm not a baby.

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