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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

573 replies

summerisler · 09/09/2021 16:09

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

OP posts:
Oberon6 · 10/09/2021 19:57

You are definitely being unreasonable, you said it was an older gentleman, well don’t forget that many years ago it was perfectly normal to pinch kids cheeks gently as a sign of affection, all of this PC stuff has gone too far, I seriously think there is more harm to your child teaching them that human kindness is bad. The elderly man was clearly being kind and trying to be social, yes we need to teach kids safety with strangers etc, but the way society’s heading with all its ridiculous new rules, we will lose the qualities that make us human altogether.

aveline161 · 10/09/2021 19:59

There’s a wonderful charity in my area called Friend Indeed that bring mums and babies into care homes specifically so the elderly residents can hold and get to know them. How is that any different?

msgreen · 10/09/2021 19:59

whilst living in Italy our daughter was tweaked on the nose or cheeks
constantly I hated it so did she but there its the norm you are also expected to give your child up to the elderly ladies to pass around
a couple of times they wizzed her off to the kitchen when we where out for dinner.
enjoy your food we have her ok
NO inside give her back now

Sillyname63 · 10/09/2021 20:07

Older people really like babies and small children ( as long as they are not crying or being loud) ha ha it brings back memories of supposedly happy times. Lesson learned put the child on the inside of the table and sit outside yourself.

ERFFER · 10/09/2021 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustSayingItHowItIs · 10/09/2021 20:14

YANBU.

But this threads always bring out the weirdos who think it's perfectly acceptable to touch another human being without consent. I don't care if you think 'it's just a baby' it's a baby that isn't yours. Just like you wouldn't touch an adult randomly and stroke their face.

An adult can say no a young child can't. Good to teach boundaries now.

It's just weird and intrusive touching someone's child.

JustSayingItHowItIs · 10/09/2021 20:14

These*

Icequeen01 · 10/09/2021 20:15

This poor elderly man will probably spend the rest of his time on this planet never feeling comfortable around another child again. How awful for you to put your own anxieties on someone else and for him to have to carry this.

JustSayingItHowItIs · 10/09/2021 20:16

@aveline161

There’s a wonderful charity in my area called Friend Indeed that bring mums and babies into care homes specifically so the elderly residents can hold and get to know them. How is that any different?
Because the parent has willingly gone there knowing that the child will be held/touched. Doesn't take a genius to work that out does it.
Moonwatcher1234 · 10/09/2021 20:20

@welliesarefuntowear

I was in a queue for the toilet at Tesco whilst on holiday recently. A little girl was next to me. She was about 10. She was really sweet and chatty. Her Dad was at the checkout so could see her. She was chatting away to me. When the cubicle was open a lady came out with a child in a pushchair about one year old . The little girl next to me went aww and went to touch his leg. Baby's mum told the little girl off. She looked at me. I just said you did nothing wrong. This was a cute little girl being happy she saw a baby and the mum tried to make her feel like rubbish. It made me really angry.
Awww that is so sad. Reminds me of something my little girl would do as she loves babies. What on earth is wrong with some people. They are so arrogant and selfish with no regard for other people’s feelings. Poor little girl, I hope she realises not everyone is so mean spirited.
FTEngineerM · 10/09/2021 20:20

@JustSayingItHowItIs
In terms of ‘creepiness, risk of them being a peadophile or full of germs/dirty’ there is no difference..

ConsulTremas · 10/09/2021 20:28

I’ve never had this happen and I’d prefer it not to. However, I wouldn’t have seen it as anything older than an old bloke trying to be friendly. I’m absolutely staggered that you spoke to him about it, not sure what you thought you were trying to achieve (other than making him feel like shit).

Jem57 · 10/09/2021 20:36

Total over reaction,poor old man,bet you really upset him,sad.

Jayne35 · 10/09/2021 20:38

I feel sorry for him. My grandad once got shouted at on a beach for chatting to a small child while we were off getting ice cream, I guess they thought he was alone but it was a bit extreme and I don’t think he ever spoke to another child after that.

isseys4xmastinselcats · 10/09/2021 20:42

youve made the daily mirror its on facebook

Realyorkshiretea · 10/09/2021 20:45

Eek! Off to see if my comment is there…!

Loubilou09 · 10/09/2021 20:46

@Icequeen01

This poor elderly man will probably spend the rest of his time on this planet never feeling comfortable around another child again. How awful for you to put your own anxieties on someone else and for him to have to carry this.
This...so perfectly put.

I feel so upset reading about what you've done and how you have made that person feel for absolutely no reason at all. It was done, you could have just felt a bit upset and annoyed about it but there was absolutely no need to go chasing after him and making him feel bad about it. What did it achieve, what difference did it make to you? Did it really make you feel better? I can't see what on earth you could have possibly achieved from it? Fascinated to know what you thought was going to happen as a result of telling him off.

Horrible Hmm

31flavours · 10/09/2021 20:48

@FTEngineerM

Consent in provided by the designated caregiver. But moreover you wouldn’t go an squeeze some random persons cheeks would you? Children are people too

Raggedyanabell · 10/09/2021 20:53

@aveline161

There’s a wonderful charity in my area called Friend Indeed that bring mums and babies into care homes specifically so the elderly residents can hold and get to know them. How is that any different?
Omg what a lovely idea! I've never heard of anything like that before. I wish there was something like that in my local area.
DukeOfEarlGrey · 10/09/2021 20:56

I haven't read the full thread (sorry!) but can see the consensus is that YABU - I might have said that in the past (depends) but at the moment my concern would be Covid apart from anything else.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/09/2021 20:56

@anonymousobserver. I was one of the pps who suggested a sign on the pram. They’re easy enough to buy online and I often see them when out and about - don’t remember seeing anything like that pre Covid though. I don’t think it’s to do with being selfish - it a purely personal thing. I personally wouldn’t have confronted the old man - he was only being kind and to be jumped on for trying to be sociable must have been a bit of a shock. But, having said that I can understand the reluctance for physical contact given what we’ve all been through the last couple of years - Covid hasn’t gone away and I don’t think physical contact of this kind is appropriate, although I accept that for the older generation it must be difficult to get to grips with. This is why a sign on the pram is probably best.

YerMaWantsYa · 10/09/2021 20:57

Leaving aside the mean spiritedness of approaching the man, I can't for the life of me why people are so horrified at the thought of a brief, caring touch!
I honestly don't think it's that generational. My youngest is 4 now so not long ago that they were babies & it's just baffling to me why, if not covid, this would bother you as a mum?
Is it a possessive thing?

And I agree with those who have called out the patronising attitude. It may be nice for some people to have the interaction but, by and large, they really don't think your baby is all that. They're just trying to be nice & bring some happiness into your day.

FTEngineerM · 10/09/2021 21:05

@31flavours But we’re programmed to find babies cute and want to interact… that teamed with the fact that most people of that age will have children/grandchildren and probably fond memories means they may want to touch. It’s human to touch - I’m assuming you’re aware that it releases oxytocin. A cheek/hand stroke is not some sexualised creepy act that needs explicit verbal consent. The interaction usually involves lots of non verbal cues, humans are designed to read and interpret these, it’s not new. I’m sure he wasn’t rubbing his thighs..

Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?
Mollymoostoo · 10/09/2021 21:10

I don't think it is unreasonable the way you feel but I might have reacted differently with my baby than of they were a little older.
It is really important as our children get older that they know they can refuse touched, hugs, pat's on the head etc as when we force a child to comply with touch they don't want, we set them up to believe they have no control over who can touch them.
I do think we have the right to say no to people touching our babies, he could be a peodophile getting his kicks, or he could be a sweet old man wanting to say hi. The thing is you don't know either way.

Mollymoostoo · 10/09/2021 21:13

[quote FTEngineerM]@31flavours But we’re programmed to find babies cute and want to interact… that teamed with the fact that most people of that age will have children/grandchildren and probably fond memories means they may want to touch. It’s human to touch - I’m assuming you’re aware that it releases oxytocin. A cheek/hand stroke is not some sexualised creepy act that needs explicit verbal consent. The interaction usually involves lots of non verbal cues, humans are designed to read and interpret these, it’s not new. I’m sure he wasn’t rubbing his thighs..[/quote]
A cheek stroke is very intimate and I would be horrified if a man did that to my child.

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