Stranger touched baby’s face - AIBU?

[summerisler]

In a cafe with my two small DC earlier today. DD just turned 1. As I was cutting up some food for her, an elderly man suddenly appeared at the side of her pram. He picked up a toy that I wasn’t aware she had dropped and then reached out and stroked and pinched her cheek. He reached out so fast that I had no time to react to stop him. I have a real dislike of people touching strangers babies. When DS was a baby I was stopped on a zebra crossing by a woman demanding to see him in his sling, and a woman in a cafe asked me if she could hold him. I said no and she very loudly badmouthed me to her friends at the next table - which I just thought was bonkers. Who lets a total stranger in a cafe just hold their child?

Back to today - I approached the man and told him that I was upset that he felt it appropriate to touch my baby’s face. For context, today was the first day we’ve been to an indoor cafe since I was in the early stages of pregnancy with DD. I was polite but made my upset known and he apologised.

Is this a generational thing? I would never touch a baby without asking the parent/cater for permission. Curious to know thoughts on this. I don’t think I was unreasonable telling this man he was in the wrong.

@Rosscameasdoody - no, I agree, it’s not about selfishness, it’s about reminding the world that you are SPECIAL, that you must be treated with deference and that you will treat everyone else with the distain they deserve because you are better and more powerful and will never allow yourself to be ‘disrespected’.

@Mollymoostoo - you have been indoctrinated by nonsense and should save your ‘horror’ for the very many things in the world that warrant it.

I really, really didn’t like anyone touching my babies. Someone stroked my baby’s head whilst he was having his feed and that felt very strange indeed.

Aah, I feel really sorry for the elderly gentleman who did you a favour and showed genuine fondness for your baby 😢
I'm sorry that you felt you had to say something to 'reprimand' him.
Your baby is fine. Jeez, what a horrible world we are creating for the next generation

Once it was done, going after him after that was out of line. Especially to say "I know you meant well but it upset me". That is designed to do nothing other than make him feel bad and make you feel better. Poor guy.

Yanbu. It’s rude and invasive and teaches children bad messages. Children shoukd be treated with respect.

I’d have been livid, I think you handled it well.

Also - there is a pandemic on - so even less appropriate.

YANBU... definitely not. It's not ok for people to touch your baby as they please. It's as weird as them touching your face. I lived in a country where this happened a lot to my baby/toddler, which she found hugely distressing. I taught her to put her hand up like a stop sign and say "no". That worked better than me saying it.

Ps girl children in particular are often taught their right to physical autonomy over their own body is less important than other peope’s feelings and in particular those of adult men. Watch out for this you will notice it time and time again as she grows up.

I do sympathise as it’s a huge change when you have a baby that feels in many ways like they are just yours - however the reality is as they get older more people will have similar interactions with your child, friends, nursery staff etc.

I remember being a bit affronted when my BIL’s ex girlfriend started cuddling my toddler on the sofa & him falling asleep on her. I was a bit jealous to be honest. I’d barely met her, it felt a bit ‘too much’ but looking back she meant intended & it was meant with kindness. This man meant it with kindness too!

It’s not something I would do but an old chap who sees a cute baby & can’t resist a little gentle pinch on the cheek? Well it’s really quite sweet even if you’d rather he didn’t. As others have said, he may be lonely & this was a lovely part of his day. Babies do tend to bring joy to others not just yourself - try not to let this bother you.

"Livid" 😂 Jesus!

People talking about how you wouldn't touch an adult are way off. I don't know about you, but I interact completely differently to babies and children than I would an adult.

And the insistence that it's a 'consent' thing too. It's really important to remember that everything has a context, the world isn't that black and white. You cannot expect express consent for every single brief contact or interaction in your life...and in the context of brief contact during a polite conversation or exchange, it's completely unnecessary to imply anything more sinister.
Consent and bodily autonomy is a serious topic so why are some people so insistent on watering it down with this banal shit?

@WitchBaby

Poor old man. You actually approached him afterwards? Madness.

Yes it's mad, whatever sort of society are we becoming, where a simple act of kindness becomes so toxic to some people.

I think maybe the wording of your first post didn’t set you in good stead with the baying AIBU crowd. Personally, I would grin and bear it in that situation, but I think you’re fully justified in respecting your daughter’s body/boundaries/right to space by proxy while she’s too young to do it herself. If you’d contextualised it as a feminist issue you probably would’ve had more sympathy! (?)

m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=4455990787749459&id=100000157450336&ref=m_notif&notif_t=group_activity

It is hard to get older. My DH is a retired teacher. He loves kids and is still stopped in the street by former students who want to say hi. He is a fantastic father and grandfather. He is just barely still in his 70s, totally spry and with it.

He and I went to a science center/museum for the day. There were very few seats throughout the exhibits. We were both getting tired as you do wandering around looking at things. There was a ledge along an aquarium exhibit with people sitting on it. I sat down. DH found a space across from me and sat down next to a little boy who looked about six.

He was not close enough to be touching the boy, but the child got straight up, went over to his mother and was pointing in alarm at DH who wouldn't hurt a fly.

It was sad really.

I think not only a generational thing but also my mum, when she got dementia, did it much more and would coo over small babies and children and be hard to get her away. I can see both sides and you but wanting your baby touched, but no harm meant

@CrankyFrankie

I think maybe the wording of your first post didn’t set you in good stead with the baying AIBU crowd. Personally, I would grin and bear it in that situation, but I think you’re fully justified in respecting your daughter’s body/boundaries/right to space by proxy while she’s too young to do it herself. If you’d contextualised it as a feminist issue you probably would’ve had more sympathy! (?)

How do you know that the OP's DD didn't want to be touched? If you're going to make specious arguments about consent for a baby, you could equally well argue that the OP deprived her child of happiness by denying her this social interaction.

This is all pure protection and ego. It's got nothing to do with the child's welfare. Children benefit from, and usually enjoy (safe, supervised) social interaction.

Old people love babies. If it was done and over I wouldn't have said anything to him.

Another cracking post @MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Note to self:If you see a toy fall out of a pram,don't be a decent human being and pick it up, leave it and walk on , it will save any unpleasantness with the mother!

What a way to thank someone .I don't see anything wrong with handing the toy back and fussing the little one and I'm a 90's girl.I would think it more strange to hand the toy back with no interaction at all.

Mollymoostoo you do realise he touched her cheek with his hand after returning a toy she had dropped?
If you actually find that horrifying you have clearly led a very blessed and sheltered life.

@ineedsun

Another cracking post *@MissLucyEyelesbarrow*

I agree!

Oh God, the poor thing (old man, not baby).
Although thinking about it.......poor baby too

A few days ago I went into a shop whilst DH and 10 month old waited in the car. It was hot so windows obviously rolled down and the pair people watched whilst waiting. An older Austrailan lady came over and started fussing over DS. (He is really cute so I don't blame her ). Anyway she stroked his cheek and told DH she doesn't get to see many babies nowadays and they chatted a little about Australia and the weather. He told me about it later and If he had snatched DS away and scolded her for touching him, I'd think he was mad tbh. It's just weird and unfriendly behaviour. It makes me happy when people fuss over DS. Thankfully we don't have such precious folk round here where I live in the north of England.

It is, largely, generational. And in some cases, it is grandparents who rarely if ever see their grandchildren. They're "baby hungry," many of them, or quite lonely. You are not unreasonable in not liking it, but perhaps you could have been nicer to an elderly gentleman who picked up your child's toy.