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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son not home yet, phone off/out of charge AIBU to be worried

185 replies

FuchMyLife · 09/09/2021 02:32

Please tell me I'm being unreasonable 😣

My 21 yr old has gone drinking with mates in a neighbouring town and I was meant to pick him up from the train station at some point last night but he's not replied to any of my messages and now his phone is dead

Don't think he knows any of the guys well enough to sleep at their place so am worried he's sleeping on the street somewhere

Not sure what to do

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 09/09/2021 12:23

It's certainly not unusual for a young man to go out and get drunk; there's not much you can do about that as your son is 21.

However, becoming so drunk that he passes out is dangerous and that needs to be impressed upon him.

I'm glad he's home and safe now, op.

caughtinanet · 09/09/2021 12:42

@PixieLaLa

Get that cotton wool that you've wrapped him up in off and let him learn some independence. I agree, he’s 21 not bloody 12!
Do you have a partner @PixieLaLa ? If you do would you not be the slightest bit concerned if you'd arranged to pick them up and then you didn't hear from them?

It seems to be badge of honour on here to be as disinterested as possible in these situations. I can't think of any real life people I know who wouldn't be worried

lannistunut · 09/09/2021 12:47

@Joystir59

I wasn't ever offered or provided with lifts to or from anything as a child teenager or adult. Yes my dad had a car. I never expected to be ferried places even though female, even though I was out late. Our parents expected to be able to relax when they weren't working to keep the household going. We were expected to sort out own comings and goings out. Loved being free and independent. Would have died to have my parent come to collect me at 1am!
I don't see this as positive - I was brought up the same way, but do not do this with my kids. They are expected to get themselves places in day time but I pay for a taxi if late as I was afraid at times when young, it was horrible.
BigSandyBalls2015 · 09/09/2021 12:57

My DD does this occasionally (she's 20) and it really winds me up. It couldn't be easier these days to just send a quick text/whatsapp.
I don't mind that she's out all night, she can do what she wants at that age, but whilst she lives at home with us she needs to let me know if she's not planning to come home.

Her sister is at uni and I don't have a clue what she's doing and I don't worry either, it's different when they've moved out.

Confusedandshaken · 09/09/2021 13:33

@Marni83

I absolutely would say that. I had two daughters and whilst I was always happy to pick them up in an emergency the general rule was that when they did adult things like drinking/clubbing/holidays with their mates they acted like adults and made sure that they had safe arrangements to get home in place - just like I do when I go out on the town.

Obviously with younger children it's different and even with adults sometimes plans go wrong and people need helping out but whatever your personal attitude Is if the parents are kind enough to give late night lifts it's incredibly rude (and unkind) to leave them just sitting there worried out of their minds.

SofiaMichelle · 09/09/2021 13:37

Might have to get police involved if I don't here from him but 10am

Police? For a 21 year old man who hasn't come home when expected?

I stand by what I've previously said about there needing to be an entire police division purely for MN type call outs.

Confused
Elderflower14 · 09/09/2021 13:45

My ds2 is profoundly deaf and autistic. He lives on the other side of the country. He now lives alone but previously lived in a flat in a shared building with other young people and support staff.
One night he went clubbing got home and forgot to let me know he was home. As long as I can roll over and pick the phone up and check it's fine.
I rang the support team at 9am.and they couldn't get in to the flat.. Just after 11am I had a "Good Morning Mumma!" on messenger. I went nuts at him told him I hadn't known where he was, that he could have been dead in an alley or in hospital... He replied that I was scaring him. I told him not half as much as he scared my Mum and I..
He lets me and the club owner now every time when he gets home without fail.. I had to frighten him into realising how important it is.
One thing I always have taught him too is to stick with one taxi company where possible. Most of the drivers know him now and in an emergency I'm not ringing umpteen taxi companies!

DevonBelles · 09/09/2021 14:13

@thisplaceisweird

Ha if my mum had had a 'stern talking to' me at 21 about drinking i would laughed her out the room

Stop giving him lifts and start treating him like an adult

So 'adults' don't give each other lifts or pick up from the station when they live rurally?

God there are some bonkers posts here mainly I expect from youngsters who don't have 21 yr old sons living at home.

DevonBelles · 09/09/2021 14:15

@SofiaMichelle

Might have to get police involved if I don't here from him but 10am

Police? For a 21 year old man who hasn't come home when expected?

I stand by what I've previously said about there needing to be an entire police division purely for MN type call outs.

Confused

Oh haha. Aren't you the joker.

So when IYO does someone become a missing person?

I expect you have forgotten or didn't know about the young airman who went missing in Suffolk when he was blind drunk, after a night out with mates, and is presumably in a landfill somewhere after climbing into a bin?

And am pretty sure he was over 21.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/09/2021 14:38

I'd have a word with him.

It's really fun to get pissed but you have to be able to keep some sort of lid on it so you don't black out and end up in the wrong place. It leaves you incredibly vulnerable.

No one is saying he can't stay out all night or change plans, he should have called you. But clearly got so wasted he left his bag and phone somewhere.

So, don't get so drunk you completely lose the plot.

But also choose mates that will sort you out if you do. They should have got him back to their house.

IHateCoronavirus · 09/09/2021 14:40

Thank goodness he is home.

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 15:23

[quote Confusedandshaken]@Marni83

I absolutely would say that. I had two daughters and whilst I was always happy to pick them up in an emergency the general rule was that when they did adult things like drinking/clubbing/holidays with their mates they acted like adults and made sure that they had safe arrangements to get home in place - just like I do when I go out on the town.

Obviously with younger children it's different and even with adults sometimes plans go wrong and people need helping out but whatever your personal attitude Is if the parents are kind enough to give late night lifts it's incredibly rude (and unkind) to leave them just sitting there worried out of their minds.[/quote]
But @Confusedandshaken your original post was saying you urge them to move out at 18?!

Razorsharp · 09/09/2021 15:59

@Marni83 you are absolutely wrong..... it's McDonald's for a hangover, not Doritos!

GrinGrinGrin

Glad he is home OP!

Confusedandshaken · 09/09/2021 17:56

not me @Marni83. I saw the post you mean but it wasn't me. I have one of 26 who's still here!

mogsrus · 09/09/2021 18:29

Loobyloo 10. I stayed out one night at that age. & we didn't have phones then,so what happened when I got home? Nothing I was an adult

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 19:27

@mogsrus

Loobyloo 10. I stayed out one night at that age. & we didn't have phones then,so what happened when I got home? Nothing I was an adult
Had you arranged for you mum to collect you on the early hours though and then just didn’t turn up??
mogsrus · 09/09/2021 20:31

Nobody ever collected me,no. Car

MissyB1 · 09/09/2021 20:35

@mogsrus

Nobody ever collected me,no. Car
Right so no arrangement that you had broken then? So nothing like OP’s situation?!
Marni83 · 09/09/2021 20:36

@mogsrus

Nobody ever collected me,no. Car
So…. Not the same as the op’s scenario at all!!
RampantIvy · 09/09/2021 20:55

It seems to be badge of honour on here to be as disinterested as possible in these situations. I can't think of any real life people I know who wouldn't be worried

I agree @caughtinanet

So 'adults' don't give each other lifts or pick up from the station when they live rurally? God there are some bonkers posts here mainly I expect from youngsters who don't have 21 yr old sons living at home.

I think you are right @DevonBelles

I stayed out one night at that age. & we didn't have phones then,so what happened when I got home? Nothing I was an adult

@mogsrus? If you had arranged to meet someone off a train late at night, and they weren't on the train and weren't answering the phone would you not be worried? It doesn't matter if it is an adult son, a teenage girl or your granny, the fact that they weren't there and weren't in touch is worrying.

QueenFreesia2021 · 09/09/2021 21:03

Talk about missing the point!!

OP’s son had asked his mum to collect him from the train station. He didn’t get in touch to change this arrangement. He wasn’t contactable. He then put himself at risk by blacking out.

There are 2 issues - 1. Not having the courtesy to let his mum know the plans were changing and he was staying out, therefore causing her to worry about him. And 2. The riskiness of what then want on to happen.

Some people are so black and white on here - because you are an adult no one else is allowed to challenge you or have a point of view?

Of course it’s ok for the OP to have a stern word with her son for both of the above issues! We’ve all been there, I’m sure she won’t go over the top but something has to be said.

Original poster
FuchMyLife · 09/09/2021 21:06

Honestly so grateful for MN 🙏 there are supportive folks on here who help for a hand hold and there are those who give it to you straight

Both are necessary and this has been a wake up call for me

Me gran mollycoddled my dad all his life and now I'm paying the ultimate price for it now that she's gone (I'm his carer) and can see history repeating itself with my son

Need to totally change my approach

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 09/09/2021 22:28

Thank goodness he got home safely. I hope you impressed upon him how irresponsible and dangerous it is to be so drunk as to pass out! He was also inconsiderate not telling you in advance he wouldn't be home, especially as you went out to pick him up.

I don't think it is particularly helpful for any of us to talk about how things were when we were young, our parents not picking us up, etc. My husband would have driven anywhere to pick up ours; my parents wouldn't.

Different strokes for different folk - and times have changed.

userxx · 09/09/2021 23:20

@Plumtree391 he's a 21 year old lad, dangerous and irresponsible don't apply to 21 year olds. Trial and error is the way we learn, not by being bollocked.

crimsonlake · 09/09/2021 23:33

No matter how old our children get we will always worry. Glad he is home safe.