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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son not home yet, phone off/out of charge AIBU to be worried

185 replies

FuchMyLife · 09/09/2021 02:32

Please tell me I'm being unreasonable 😣

My 21 yr old has gone drinking with mates in a neighbouring town and I was meant to pick him up from the train station at some point last night but he's not replied to any of my messages and now his phone is dead

Don't think he knows any of the guys well enough to sleep at their place so am worried he's sleeping on the street somewhere

Not sure what to do

OP posts:
Betsybanshee · 09/09/2021 07:25

Hope DS is back now.

I am a massive worrier too Flowers

mogsrus · 09/09/2021 07:25

21yr old adult can't stay out,embarrassing or what,

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 09/09/2021 07:26

Been there op with my ds

I've done a few emergency runs and also a few nights of not sleeping

Fingers crossed he's fallen asleep somewhere

caughtinanet · 09/09/2021 07:28

@Teacupsandtoast

He'll be fine. He's either on the floor at a mates or is in bed with someone....and he's not going to phone and let mum get in the way of sex!
I do hope that's true but I know from personal experience that this type of situation doesn't always end well

Very rare I know but not all of us can shrug it off so easily

I hope all is well now @FuchMyLife

angieloumc · 09/09/2021 07:29

I've been there myself with my DS's. As pp says you never stop worrying about them and it is rude to not bother letting you know, but part of growing up.

GreenTortoise · 09/09/2021 07:29

Hope your DS is home now OP.

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 07:31

I’d be worried.

All will be fine I’m sure

And then be cross with him at how inconsiderate he’s been

toomuchlaundry · 09/09/2021 07:33

@mogsrus the DS had previously asked the OP to pick him up, so the very least he could do is tell her he doesn’t need one (at a reasonable time)

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 07:33

My DS is 20 and generally quite good at letting me know when he will be late/not coming home, but I am gradually coming to accept that he's a grown man and just as capable of looking after himself as I am.

FWIW, at 21, I don't think you need to know people very well to be able to kip on their floor after a night drinking.

I'd be worried too, but I tend to try and work on the assumption that if something awful has happened I'd have heard. I also remind myself that if he was away at uni I wouldn't have a clue where he was or what he was up to.

caughtinanet · 09/09/2021 07:34

@mogsrus

21yr old adult can't stay out,embarrassing or what,
Unless I'm misreading it that isn't the issue is it?

Isn't it that someone who said they'd need to be picked up to get homes gone out of contact? I'd be concerned if it was my partner/granny or friend, isn't that normal?

PatchworkElmer · 09/09/2021 07:36

Hope he gets in touch soon OP.

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 07:36

Have to say though that in Uber world I wouldn't be staying up to give a 21yo a lift or spend my evening/night waiting for his call to let me know when I was wanted.

campion · 09/09/2021 07:38

@mogsrus

21yr old adult can't stay out,embarrassing or what,
Think you're missing the point. He asked to be picked up then vanished into thin air as far as OP is concerned. Maybe that wouldn't worry you but, in that scenario, most people would like to know he's still alive.

If he'd gone out and said he wouldn't be back till tomorrow that'd be different.

Quartz2208 · 09/09/2021 07:38

It a perfectly normal thing for a 21 year old to do just like its normal for a mum to be worried.

I am sure it will be fine

ScarlettDarling · 09/09/2021 07:40

I’m sure he’ll be home soon op. For those helpful posters pointing out that at 21, he should be allowed to stay out all night, that’s clearly not the point here. I’m sure the op’s son is ‘allowed’ to stay out as long as he likes, but when you’ve arranged to give someone a lift and they then go off radar, it’s worrying.
Let us know when he’s home op. I’m sure most of us understand how you’re feeling.

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 07:41

@LegendaryReady

Have to say though that in Uber world I wouldn't be staying up to give a 21yo a lift or spend my evening/night waiting for his call to let me know when I was wanted.
Depends totally where live
userxx · 09/09/2021 07:42

@mogsrus

21yr old adult can't stay out,embarrassing or what,

Righto.

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 07:42

@Quartz2208

It a perfectly normal thing for a 21 year old to do just like its normal for a mum to be worried.

I am sure it will be fine

It is NOT Perfectly normal for a 21 year old to arrange for his mother to collect him in the early hours and then not turn up

Either something happened
Or rude and thoughtless

ThatsAllFolks · 09/09/2021 07:43

My 21 yo did the exact same thing to me on Saturday. I saw him look at his charger as he got ready to go out and then he discarded it so I suspected phone had died. Sunday morning no response to messages. Sunday afternoon rolled in at three. Clubbing finished c 530am, some kind of KFC breakfast then crashed at someone's and didn't wake til 2. So u might not see him early today

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 07:44

@mogsrus

21yr old adult can't stay out,embarrassing or what,
Your opinion and style of writing reminds me of a silly 14 year old.
Marni83 · 09/09/2021 07:45

@ThatsAllFolks

My 21 yo did the exact same thing to me on Saturday. I saw him look at his charger as he got ready to go out and then he discarded it so I suspected phone had died. Sunday morning no response to messages. Sunday afternoon rolled in at three. Clubbing finished c 530am, some kind of KFC breakfast then crashed at someone's and didn't wake til 2. So u might not see him early today
Had he arranged for you to collect him in the early hours and then he didn’t turn up?
LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 07:45

I think it's hard for parents of young adults currently. They missed their transition from childhood to adulthood in terms of socialising so we haven't realised how grown up they are. DS was 18, barely more than a child, hardly been in a pub when lockdown started and now he's a 20yo grown man.

For the sake of my own sanity I have started to come to terms with the fact that I don't need to (shouldn't?) know where he is at all times and also for the sake of my sanity I let/make him independent in his own arrangements. E.g. if he goes out knowing he's making his own way home, I'm not waiting for the call.

ShingleBeach · 09/09/2021 07:46

@LegendaryReady

Have to say though that in Uber world I wouldn't be staying up to give a 21yo a lift or spend my evening/night waiting for his call to let me know when I was wanted.
This.

I think offering a lift from the station is probably mitigating your own worry but actually sets you up for a worse worry (now that he clearly didn’t catch the last train).

Of course he should have let you know… but be honest, how much was the offer of a lift for your own peace of mind?

It’s a tough transition but 21 year olds do need to be recognised as independent adults.

(I am presuming you don’t live in total rural isolation 20 miles from the station)

Houseofvelour · 09/09/2021 07:47

I hope he rolls in soon xx

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 09/09/2021 07:57

I'd be really stressed by this too
Have you stalked his Facebook to see if he or his mates have posted about where they were last night.
My DD has her brother on Snapchat and can sometimes see where he is on snapmaps so does anyone in your house have this. If phone has died, then obviously no use but might set your mind at rest of he's just sleeping it off somewhere.
My brother used to do this all the time - my parents were often out searching for him. It is really stressful.

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