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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son not home yet, phone off/out of charge AIBU to be worried

185 replies

FuchMyLife · 09/09/2021 02:32

Please tell me I'm being unreasonable 😣

My 21 yr old has gone drinking with mates in a neighbouring town and I was meant to pick him up from the train station at some point last night but he's not replied to any of my messages and now his phone is dead

Don't think he knows any of the guys well enough to sleep at their place so am worried he's sleeping on the street somewhere

Not sure what to do

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 09/09/2021 10:39

@endofthelinefinally Flowers

Tal45 · 09/09/2021 10:39

If he wants to remain living at home I'd be telling him he needs to be acting a lot more responsibly. If he wants to live elsewhere then he's an adult and is free to do as he pleases.

SallyMcNally · 09/09/2021 10:41

I bet you a tenner he got on the train with his stuff, fell asleep, woke with a start when the train stopped thinking it was his station and then ran off the train in a half asleep panic abandoning his belongings!

I'd get him to call the train company lost property to see if they have found his bag.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 09/09/2021 10:41

@mogsrus

21yr old adult can't stay out,embarrassing or what,
Why? I'd be worried if my husband was meant to be home by a certain time and didn't phone to say he wouldn't be.

It's simple consideration for your family members. Not embarrassing.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 09/09/2021 10:43

@Notimeforaname

Letting him recover from the hangover before having a stern talk with him

He's not a child. He doesn't need a 'stern talking to' Hmm he's a 21 year old adult.

Yes he does. If you go out and say you will be back at a certain time, (or that you won't be back at all) you phone /text to say that.

Age doesn't come into it.

I even text DH to say if I've decided to stay for a coffee after parkrun, so instead of being home by 10, I won't be home until 11!

Notaroadrunner · 09/09/2021 10:43

I have a 20 year old. Haven't given him a stern talking to in some time. When he rolls in pissed I leave him to lie in and ask him how he is the next day. I seem to remember being his age and doing the exact same. Your Ds lost his phone, he'll have to suck up the cost of another one. That'd be punishment enough for my Ds Grin

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 09/09/2021 10:44

(I don't actually know if DH even cares that much, but if he does start to wonder where I am, he'll look for a message)

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 09/09/2021 10:45

@Notaroadrunner

I have a 20 year old. Haven't given him a stern talking to in some time. When he rolls in pissed I leave him to lie in and ask him how he is the next day. I seem to remember being his age and doing the exact same. Your Ds lost his phone, he'll have to suck up the cost of another one. That'd be punishment enough for my Ds Grin
True Grin

This is also a lesson in making sure your offspring know your phone number so they can ask someone else to text or call you if necessary. Years ago I worked on a school site and was amazed by the kids who didn't know their home phone numbers.

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 10:45

I even text DH to say if I've decided to stay for a coffee after parkrun, so instead of being home by 10, I won't be home until 11!

I agree that it's common courtesy to let people know of a change of plans, but really I'd expect DH to assume I'd stayed for coffee if I wasn't home after PR. Or to assume I would stay for coffee and if I'm home early albeit. I don't think you need to report every movement.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 09/09/2021 10:46

Glad to hear he's home. Kick his arse when his hangover is gone x

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 09/09/2021 10:47

[quote MatildaIThink]@RampantIvy
I agree. Could his drink have been spiked?
Also worrying that his "mates" left him on his own.
Overwhelmingly blacking out does not usually mean passing out, it means there is too much alcohol in the brain for memories to form, but that does not mean the person is unconscious on the floor somewhere. The person can still be walking and talking, but their brain can not store long term memories.

It is highly unlikely that his drink was spiked, whilst it does happen it is almost always people drinking too much, either on it's own or in combination with drugs taken voluntarily, rather than something used to "spike" drinks.[/quote]
Yup. We get loads of parents reporting that their darling, perfect child has gone and had their drink spiked because they couldn't remember what happened, only had a couple of drinks, never would do anything like that blah blah blah

They almost invariably have no drugs in their system and just didn't want to admit to mum and dad that they drank 10 tequila shots and 5 jagerbombs in quick succession

thisplaceisweird · 09/09/2021 10:48

Ha if my mum had had a 'stern talking to' me at 21 about drinking i would laughed her out the room

Stop giving him lifts and start treating him like an adult

Comedycook · 09/09/2021 10:48

It's always rude, regardless of age, to not turn up of someone is picking you up.

However, he's 21. At 21, I was still living at home but I answered to no one. I stayed out whenever I wanted.

campion · 09/09/2021 10:50

His excuses are just that really.

Losing his phone, back pack, blacking out and not contacting you all in a few hours are worth an 'adult' conversation.

Snuggleworm · 09/09/2021 10:54

For the few people saying " He is 21, embarassing" etc. He is 21 and still living at home. I don't care what age my DD is and if she has asked to be picked up and then does not get back to a message, I would be so worried.
So glad he is home safe OP and glad it was not another outcome.

ilovesooty · 09/09/2021 10:54

@Notimeforaname

Letting him recover from the hangover before having a stern talk with him

He's not a child. He doesn't need a 'stern talking to' Hmm he's a 21 year old adult.

I think it's reasonable to discuss any inconvenience caused since he lives under the OP's roof - however old he is.
FoxgloveSummers · 09/09/2021 10:57

I know a lot of people will say this is typical drunk idiot behaviour (and that may be the case for your son) but for me the blacking out/losing things/not being in control of where he is are very reminiscent of friends I have with MH issues for example bipolar. Especially if it becomes repeated behaviour.

thisplaceisweird · 09/09/2021 11:00

@FoxgloveSummers

I know a lot of people will say this is typical drunk idiot behaviour (and that may be the case for your son) but for me the blacking out/losing things/not being in control of where he is are very reminiscent of friends I have with MH issues for example bipolar. Especially if it becomes repeated behaviour.
Very dramatic. It's perfectly reminiscent of almost every 21 year old I've ever known.
MorriseysGladioli · 09/09/2021 11:01

You need to have a word with him.
He was the first person I thought of today when I woke up!
I know he's an adult, but adults can still have awful things happen to them.

toomuchlaundry · 09/09/2021 11:02

@thisplaceisweird if you had done that at 21 maybe you shouldn't be living at home.

If I had told DH I needed a lift or would be home at a certain time, then I would let him know if there had been a change in plan.

If DS had done this I would be reminding him of that common courtesy, but I probably would also be reminding him of the risks of getting in such a state you don't where you are and how vulnerable that can make you, and also might put you in the position of not being able to make a correct decision on whether consent is being given if you are going to get intimate with someone.

FoxgloveSummers · 09/09/2021 11:09

Most of my friends' parents are (still) in complete denial that repeated patterns of being out-of-control drunk, out on their own (losing friends), ending up somewhere they don't know, losing belongings (or having them stolen) are anything other than "typical" bad behaviours. Like I said as a one-off it's pretty normal but I wanted to make the OP aware of this possibility in case it recurs. Not to be dramatic but so she doesn't misinterpret it as bad behaviour if it ever does turn out to be something deeper. MH problems aren't exactly rare.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/09/2021 11:10

I used to live at the end of one of the tube lines and the amount of people who fell asleep and missed their stop is surprisingly high.

If he lost his phone he couldn't text or call, and it is entirely possible he had fallen asleep on the train and had it stolen.

TabithaTiger · 09/09/2021 11:11

My 20 year old DS quite often doesn't come home after a night out, I just assume he's crashed at a mates or got lucky! Surely this is normal when you're 20? I regularly used to stay out all night when I was that age.

Monkey2001 · 09/09/2021 11:21

I agree with you OP - totally normal to worry if someone does not do what they say they will do. I would also try to make a 21 year old DS understand how you felt, I am sure it is not really a stern word, just a conversation about thinking about how your actions affect other people. You may have to be careful to choose your moment so that it does not backfire. To be fair to him, he might have thought you would not want to be disturbed by a phone call from the random station in the middle of the night!

Confusedandshaken · 09/09/2021 11:24

My only words stern would be ' that's the last time I put myself out to pick you up from a boozy night out'.

If they are old enough to go out drinking they are old enough to get themselves home.

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