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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son not home yet, phone off/out of charge AIBU to be worried

185 replies

FuchMyLife · 09/09/2021 02:32

Please tell me I'm being unreasonable 😣

My 21 yr old has gone drinking with mates in a neighbouring town and I was meant to pick him up from the train station at some point last night but he's not replied to any of my messages and now his phone is dead

Don't think he knows any of the guys well enough to sleep at their place so am worried he's sleeping on the street somewhere

Not sure what to do

OP posts:
saraclara · 09/09/2021 11:28

I'd be worried if my husband was meant to be home by a certain time and didn't phone to say he wouldn't be.

It's simple consideration for your family members. Not embarrassing.

Yep. My daughter came back to live with me for six months when she split from her partner. She was in her late 20s then, but still would let me know if she wasn't going to be back when planned. And I used to leave the landing light on if she was out when I went to bed, so that if I woke in the night, I'd know she was home safe (light switched off).

When they don't live with you, you don't give them a thought. When they do, it's a very different feel.

Doubledenimrock · 09/09/2021 11:30

This is exactly why I will be encouraging my kids to move out when they are 18. What I dont know, I wont worry about.

loobylou10 · 09/09/2021 11:31

@mogsrus don't be a twat, OP was just worried about the lack of contact.

OP - glad he's home and safe

RampantIvy · 09/09/2021 11:37

@TabithaTiger

My 20 year old DS quite often doesn't come home after a night out, I just assume he's crashed at a mates or got lucky! Surely this is normal when you're 20? I regularly used to stay out all night when I was that age.
If it's not out of character for that person then it's fine. If it is then of course a parent would worry.

I don't worry about DD being out while at university, in a city with plentiful public transport and taxis - and friends who look out for each other, but I would if she was at home.

campion · 09/09/2021 11:39

@Doubledenimrock

This is exactly why I will be encouraging my kids to move out when they are 18. What I dont know, I wont worry about.
Please come back and tell us how that went.
CustardySergeant · 09/09/2021 11:43

Becoming an adult doesn't confer immunity from harm, so unless you think parents shouldn't or wouldn't care if their adult son or daughter had an accident/was attacked or otherwise came to harm, it's perfectly understandable to worry when they don't come home when expected and can't be contacted. The same would apply to anyone you care for. People sometimes come to harm and their age has nothing to do with it.

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 11:47

@Doubledenimrock

This is exactly why I will be encouraging my kids to move out when they are 18. What I dont know, I wont worry about.
No judgement But out of interest are you being serious and really intending to do that?
Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 11:47

He's a 21 year old man. He will be fine. Let it go.

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 11:48

It's courtesy regardless of age or sex to let the head of the household know if you aren't coming home, but I would not be worried about him.

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 11:49

@Confusedandshaken

My only words stern would be ' that's the last time I put myself out to pick you up from a boozy night out'.

If they are old enough to go out drinking they are old enough to get themselves home.

Would you honestly have a one strike and your out?

I’d be cross. But I wouldn’t say the last time on the basis of one thoughtless incident

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 11:51

Threads like this telly do show how different people parent

If I had arranged to collect my 21 year old in the early hours after a drinking session

And he didn’t turn up
And I couldn’t get hold of him
I’d be worried. Very worried.

All of you saying you wouldn’t be…
If it was your 21 year old daughter perhaps?!

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 11:52

Quite honestly I’d be worried if I had arranged to collect anyone In the early hours and they didn’t turn up and I couldn’t get hold of him

Let alone my own child!

userxx · 09/09/2021 11:53

@FuchMyLife

Thank heavens he's now home 💞

He's lost his phone and back back (thankfully still has his wallet) but hopefully he's left it them at a mates house

He blacked out and somehow found himself at a random train station between home and the town he went drinking in 🤦

He's in a bad state but in one peace and home.

Letting him recover from the hangover before having a stern talk with him

It will probably put him off drinking heavily ever again so need to bollock him. He'll be fine after a high fat/stodge feed.
Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 11:54

I wasn't ever offered or provided with lifts to or from anything as a child teenager or adult. Yes my dad had a car. I never expected to be ferried places even though female, even though I was out late. Our parents expected to be able to relax when they weren't working to keep the household going. We were expected to sort out own comings and goings out. Loved being free and independent. Would have died to have my parent come to collect me at 1am!

toomuchlaundry · 09/09/2021 11:56

@Joystir59 did you live rurally?

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 11:56

I didn't want either of my parents to know anything beyond the barest minimum about my life. I moved out to go to college at 18 and never went back.

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 11:56

I lived in a major city. Girls got raped there.

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 11:57

My parents almost moved from the city to a village when I was 15. I was dying inside at the thought it what that would mean for me. Thankfully it never happened.

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 12:00

@Joystir59

Your situation is absolutely NOT what I want for my children and how they view their relationship with me. You seem to think a positive.

saraclara · 09/09/2021 12:06

I love the smugness of the city/large town dwellers.

Uber and frequent public transport is but a dream for many of us. But we chose to live here, and we chose to have children. So we expect a bit of ferrying around to the nearest station/transport hub until we can get our kids driving asap. And hope they can afford to run their own car.

Of course, when they're driving that's a different kind of worry.

Joystir59 · 09/09/2021 12:17

No it wasn't a positive, I agree, but I did become independent at an early age and that was positive.

Nottogetapenny · 09/09/2021 12:17

The relief is enormous! My son did that a few times! Like someone said previously I’d also leave a light on in the hall, It was such a relief if I woke so see the light was off knowing he was home! My son is now married and has 2 adorable children! Us mother’s never stop worrying!
So pleased your boy is home!

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 12:19

@Joystir59

No it wasn't a positive, I agree, but I did become independent at an early age and that was positive.
Why?

I was spoilt and indulged
Very close to my parents
Picked up, dropped off, Molly coddled!

I’m now a professional single parent. Completely independent. And successful.

Independence etc - what’s the rush?! We have decades of it in adulthood when no one is really looking out for us in the same way as a parent of child / teen

Marni83 · 09/09/2021 12:20

@Nottogetapenny

The relief is enormous! My son did that a few times! Like someone said previously I’d also leave a light on in the hall, It was such a relief if I woke so see the light was off knowing he was home! My son is now married and has 2 adorable children! Us mother’s never stop worrying! So pleased your boy is home!
Plus large glass of water, 2 aspirins and a family size packet of Doritos! Grin
Seeingadistance · 09/09/2021 12:22

Glad to hear he’s home.