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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son not home yet, phone off/out of charge AIBU to be worried

185 replies

FuchMyLife · 09/09/2021 02:32

Please tell me I'm being unreasonable 😣

My 21 yr old has gone drinking with mates in a neighbouring town and I was meant to pick him up from the train station at some point last night but he's not replied to any of my messages and now his phone is dead

Don't think he knows any of the guys well enough to sleep at their place so am worried he's sleeping on the street somewhere

Not sure what to do

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/09/2021 09:24

Glad he is back. Go easy on him, he will have had a fright.

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 09:28

[quote toomuchlaundry]@LegendaryReady hopefully he won’t need telling, but seeing how some partners on here behave when drink is involved, it might be beneficial for OP to have a word[/quote]
If he needs telling, "having a word" with a 21yo won't change anything, just like it doesn't for those partners.

If you want them to behave like adults you need to treat them like one. Stop with the lifts and rescue missions.

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 09:30

IME at every single stage of DCs exhibiting challenging behaviour the answer was to give them more responsibility. This is another one.

Theoldcuriosityshop · 09/09/2021 09:34

No such things as mobile phones when mine were teenagers. We had absolutely no idea where they were and just had to hope all was well until they arrived home.

Ducksurprise · 09/09/2021 09:39

@LegendaryReady

Have to say though that in Uber world I wouldn't be staying up to give a 21yo a lift or spend my evening/night waiting for his call to let me know when I was wanted.
Surprisingly large amounts of the UK have no Uber. Taxi from where we live to the nearest clubbing town would cost £80 before midnight.

Normally I'd say not worry but I do think it is rude to organise a lift and then not contact you.

Xiaoxiong · 09/09/2021 09:40

Hope he's ok this morning and got the fright of his life so doesn't do it again, what a worry for you. If you live in Berkshire, I can tell you exactly where he was for a large portion of last night - bellowing up and down our street, kicking on doors and hammering windows saying that he'd lost his phone and wallet and needed to get home to his mum in Maidenhead!

PaolaDiLorenzo · 09/09/2021 09:46

A similar thing happened to my eldest at that age. He"d had his drink spiked and somehow got separated from his mates.
He could vaguely remember someone going through his pockets, they stole his phone and £15.
He was woken up by a nurse about 7am,after having passed out on some grass. He walked three miles home and turned up at half past nine. He looked completely out of it.
I was just so relieved to see him, we'd been awake most of the night.
I still remember that terrible feeling of helplessness .

MatildaIThink · 09/09/2021 09:51

@FuchMyLife

Thank heavens he's now home 💞

He's lost his phone and back back (thankfully still has his wallet) but hopefully he's left it them at a mates house

He blacked out and somehow found himself at a random train station between home and the town he went drinking in 🤦

He's in a bad state but in one peace and home.

Letting him recover from the hangover before having a stern talk with him

Realistically, as he is 21, a stern talking to is not going to do anything other than sour your relationship with him. He is an adult and has to be allowed to make his own mistakes.

He lost his phone and backpack, that is going to cost him money, or if he is lucky and gets them back then still an inconvenience and the hangover will take it's revenge today. He will be well aware that what he did was not sensible or good for him, there is no benefit to berating him.

Clymene · 09/09/2021 09:54

All of this 'he's an adult' stuff is all very well but the OP had agreed to pick him up from the train station.

If I were you, I wouldn't bother with the stern talking to - i'd expect an apology for being so rude and tell him I was never going to pick him up again.

MatildaIThink · 09/09/2021 09:56

@RampantIvy
I agree. Could his drink have been spiked?
Also worrying that his "mates" left him on his own.
Overwhelmingly blacking out does not usually mean passing out, it means there is too much alcohol in the brain for memories to form, but that does not mean the person is unconscious on the floor somewhere. The person can still be walking and talking, but their brain can not store long term memories.

It is highly unlikely that his drink was spiked, whilst it does happen it is almost always people drinking too much, either on it's own or in combination with drugs taken voluntarily, rather than something used to "spike" drinks.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 09/09/2021 10:03

Glad he is home.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 09/09/2021 10:11

All of this 'he's an adult' stuff is all very well but the OP had agreed to pick him up from the train station

Quite. I never understand these arguments, yes, if they live away from home you won't know where they are or what they are doing. But while someone lives in my house, it doesn't matter if it's DM in her 80s, DH in his 50s, or DDs in their teens, if someone is not where they were supposed to be at a given time and you can't get in touch with them by usual means, you will worry. OK, I would not necessarily jump to a conclusion that the worst had happened, but I would still worry.

ilovesooty · 09/09/2021 10:14

[quote toomuchlaundry]@mogsrus the DS had previously asked the OP to pick him up, so the very least he could do is tell her he doesn’t need one (at a reasonable time)[/quote]
Agreed. Just good manners

PixieLaLa · 09/09/2021 10:14

Get that cotton wool that you've wrapped him up in off and let him learn some independence.
I agree, he’s 21 not bloody 12!

endofthelinefinally · 09/09/2021 10:14

I am so glad he is home OP. I don't blame you for worrying. It is natural to worry about someone you love and bad things do happen, even though it is rare.
My son didn't come home one night and the police turned up to tell me he was dead. I completely understand why people worry.

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 10:14

Of course he needs to apologise for not letting OP know he was OK after asking for a lift. The "adult" point is that if she'd left him to make his own way home and gone to bed, she'd be none the wiser until morning.

TBH when anyone is out drinking don't leave yourself in a position where you're waiting for their call

ilovesooty · 09/09/2021 10:16

Oh I see - perhaps that was because he lost his phone.

RampantIvy · 09/09/2021 10:24

DD is 21. I will never stop worrying about her.

Quite frankly I'm amazed that some posters on here think that as soon as their DC become adults that their capacity to worry about their DC miraculously disappears. It doesn't.

Given that there had been agreement to meet her DS I can see why @FuchMyLife was so worried.

We are rural and don't have Uber. The last train gets in at 11.30, and if DD hadn't been on it and I hadn't heard from her I would be panic stricken.

And I don't wrap her up in cotton wool either.

RampantIvy · 09/09/2021 10:25

Flowers @endofthelinefinally

GrandmaSteglitszch · 09/09/2021 10:31

@ilovesooty

Oh I see - perhaps that was because he lost his phone.
And wasn't adult enough to perhaps borrow a phone for at least a quick text to his mum. Or, of course, to get himself to the right railway station.
olidora63 · 09/09/2021 10:32

Sounds like fairly typical 21year old behaviour! I always worried more about my lot when they were at home than when they are at University because I don’t know what they are doing when away.
Probably just leave him to sleep/ eat of the hangover and then just have a chat . Glad he is ok 💐

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 10:34

I was just thinking about how DS could let me know if he lost his phone and if out with friends surely it's easy? He just needs to log into FB or Messenger or Snapchat on a friend's phone. Or actually he could use directory enquires for the home number, but I guarantee he doesn't know that.

LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 10:36

@RampantIvy

DD is 21. I will never stop worrying about her.

Quite frankly I'm amazed that some posters on here think that as soon as their DC become adults that their capacity to worry about their DC miraculously disappears. It doesn't.

Given that there had been agreement to meet her DS I can see why @FuchMyLife was so worried.

We are rural and don't have Uber. The last train gets in at 11.30, and if DD hadn't been on it and I hadn't heard from her I would be panic stricken.

And I don't wrap her up in cotton wool either.

It's not that you dont worry, of course you do, but you don't need to set up situations that are almost certain to cause worry, like waiting for a call for a 21 yo man who's out drinking with mates, when he could just get himself home while you're asleep.
NewlyGranny · 09/09/2021 10:37

No Über in this neck of the woods, not a decade or more ago when DS was out on the lash, not in 2021, either. And I doubt they'd have found a taxi willing to take them, the state they were in, nor had the cash to pay for it. They would have caught the train home only the first one was still a four hour wait. I probably should have left them to catch it but I didn't.

Notimeforaname · 09/09/2021 10:38

Letting him recover from the hangover before having a stern talk with him

He's not a child. He doesn't need a 'stern talking to' Hmm he's a 21 year old adult.

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