To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

There may be nothing they can do. Complaining if he is disabled will make their lives harder and lonelier but of course is not unreasonable. Poor boy, poor family.

@5zeds

There may be nothing they can do. Complaining if he is disabled will make their lives harder and lonelier but of course is not unreasonable. Poor boy, poor family.

Well that’s just a massive assumption. I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a polite word if the noise is so bad that OP has to shut her windows all the time.

My daughter went through a screaming in the garden phase when she was 6 or 7. She was immediately hauled in and sent to her room where she stayed until she stopped. It's not fair to neighbours and leads to children growing up to be entitled and selfish adults. I don't think talking to the parents will get you anywhere (or they'd already be proactive) so the choices are - live with it and pray for rain, or lean over the fence and very loudly shout 'stfu!!'. Mum will be horrified and won't send you a Christmas card this year but you should feel a bit better. You could become the neighbour from hell and stand by the fence swearing repeatedly until mum takes them indoors in disgust.

@Newnewnew1179 Well that’s just a massive assumption. is it? A child who screams uncontrollably at 4/5 and who’s siblings don’t, who’s parents don’t intervene, I would say is highly likely to be disabled.

Had very similar, older sibling winding up much younger sibling, cue major screaming, parents never spoke to them, they were left all day in the garden. It was constant, from 9-9, god knows how she didn’t damage her vocal chords. We eventually went round and complained. Dad rolled his eyes but they were taken in occasionally so we got some respite. As someone at the time mentioned, kids grow up.

I voted YANBU. OP isn't asking them to try to stop the screaming (which arguably they should be doing) but to bring the child inside so that the neighbors aren't unduly burdened with the noise. Why is that so unreasonable?

The child could be SEN.

@ohthatbloodycat

The child could be SEN.

Or equally, they could not.

I honestly have sympathy with you and there was a thread on here a few months (years maybe) ago about how children who watch a lot of you tube (which is all of them in my experience) interact in high pitched shrieks and squeals - something about how some you tubers present themselves online. We had a family gathering tonight and my DSC (both NT, no additional needs) started with the long high pitched squeals when they got giddy/ started to play fight. Their friends do the same, you can hear them squealing at each other on speaker phone and online. It is very difficult to be around and their grandparents made a swift exit home when they started. My DH is sensitized to it now I think. It does seem to be a recent phenomena, my older DC and their friends could be rowdy but this squealing is something specifically painful to the ears.

Yeah…my children’s ‘phase’ of screaming lasted from when they attempted it, to five seconds later when they were instructed in no uncertain terms to not do it.

I tend to agree. Child screams - child comes inside. Rinse and repeat. Not suggesting this is as easy as it sounds - it's bloody exhausting - but the fact that it's difficult doesn't mean it's ok to shrug your shoulders and say, "Well if you don't like noise, neighbors, you should live in the middle of a field."

@turndownthevolume

Thanks for the posts, am realising that I probably haven't been clear. This is not a toddler lying on the floor screaming but a 4/5YO screaming loudly in response to his older siblings. The parents don't usually come out into the garden when this is going on though a few times I've heard the dad or mum tell him to calm down

I’d be shouting over the fence ‘hey kids, keep the noise down please”

Some parents just don't see it as a problem. I have had a word with neighbours about screaming children just to be told "they're just being kids, what's your problem? Well my problem is that my ASD family member can't cope with their noise. The adults just turn up the thumping music to drown it

I tend to agree. Child screams - child comes inside. Rinse and repeat. Not suggesting this is as easy as it sounds - it's bloody exhausting presumably that worked with their older children….I’m guessing the last one is a little different or why wouldn’t their parenting achieve the same results?

@5zeds

I tend to agree. Child screams - child comes inside. Rinse and repeat. Not suggesting this is as easy as it sounds - it's bloody exhausting presumably that worked with their older children….I’m guessing the last one is a little different or why wouldn’t their parenting achieve the same results?

Well, they appear to have stopped doing it, which might explain why it isn't working

Why would they do that? People don’t tend to massively change how they parent one in a group unless there’s a reason.

Our next door kid is like this

I would not dream of complaining

I used to live next door to a family who eventually had 3 boys who were outside all summer screeching and screaming from morning till night. It essentially made our garden unusable from the time the eldest was a toddler until we moved. With each additional child it just got louder and more unbearable. My children were playing out age when it started and they used to come in. It’s intolerable. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say something, they might be desensitised, but more likely they either don’t care or like my neighbours don’t believe in checking their children.

@5zeds

Why would they do that? People don’t tend to massively change how they parent one in a group unless there’s a reason.

Well you have no idea that they ever did it at all, to be fair. The baby of the family being a spoilt brat doesn't indicate SEN at all.

I’ve got 3 pretty loud kids, if any of them were being so loud it was stopping my neighbours enjoying their garden I would definitely want them to talk to me!

I probably do tune them out a lot tbh, or I let them play outside while I get stuff done in the house so I can’t hear how loud they’re being.

Maybe don’t make it too specific, just a casual ‘look I love to hear the kids having fun in the garden, but sometimes when they argue it gets a bit loud’.

I actually had to speak to my neighbour about her teenage son and his friends swearing loudly in the garden. I didn’t want my own kids to hear it. She was so lovely and apologetic and it hasn’t been a problem since. I really hope she would feel like she could talk to me the same way if there was an issue.

DD (11) has chipped in - I haven’t mentioned this thread obvs but I did say at dinner that the noise had been driving me a bit nuts this afternoon and that I’d thought about having a word and decided against it. She tells me all the DC are massively irritating and the middle one throws huge strops if he doesn’t get his own way. She has a good view over the fence from her window… DH thinks there’s no point mentioning it.

Thanks again for taking the time to post. And again I’m not looking to cause additional stress for those with SEN kids regarding how they are judged in their neighbourhoods. I have several good friends whose DC have additional needs, we’ve been on holidays together etc I have seen firsthand how exhausting it is to deal with that kind of meltdown and I really feel for everyone in that situation. This does not, from the outside, look like what is happening with neighbours behind us though of course I can’t actually know that. It just seems like a bunch of pretty noisy kids with one real screamer.

A loud "STOP FUCKING SCREAMING" over the fence might work. Might not, but at least you've tried to do something about it.

They should already be stopping his tantrums, but since they aren't, I'd assume they are either incapable or unwilling... Or both!

I'd probably do my best to ignore it and hope that he grows out of this annoying phase while wondering what new annoying behaviour will replace it. I might sigh loudly, if I thought they parents were there to overhear my passive aggressive hint, but I suppose they'd never hear you over the screaming.

@withgraceinmyheart

I’ve got 3 pretty loud kids, if any of them were being so loud it was stopping my neighbours enjoying their garden I would definitely want them to talk to me!

I probably do tune them out a lot tbh, or I let them play outside while I get stuff done in the house so I can’t hear how loud they’re being.

Maybe don’t make it too specific, just a casual ‘look I love to hear the kids having fun in the garden, but sometimes when they argue it gets a bit loud’.

I actually had to speak to my neighbour about her teenage son and his friends swearing loudly in the garden. I didn’t want my own kids to hear it. She was so lovely and apologetic and it hasn’t been a problem since. I really hope she would feel like she could talk to me the same way if there was an issue.

To be fair, you're already aware there's a potential issue. Why not just sort it anyway, instead of waiting for someone to complain? Not getting an actual complaint isn't proof that there isn't a problem.

Every single time say over the fence. KEEP THE NOISE DOWN.
Literally every single time. If the parents are inside and can’t hear…which seems to be a thing, my neighbour goes inside and closes the door the the shrill screeching of her 4 children.

You say it nicely and calmly but every single time without fail.

I sympathise OP.

There are a bunch of kids in our street all ages 7 and under who 'play out' entirely unsupervised by any adults. Some/ all of them are seemingly incapable of any form of play without screaming. Really really loud high pitched screaming sometimes continuously for 5-10 mins or intermittently for half an hour. It is irritating in the extreme especially when I'm trying to work or read or watch TV or just relax without a kid shrieking like they're being murdered.

Their parents are a) indoors with the windows shut so can't or won't hear it b) thick as shit so don't realise it will disturb people c) ignorant so don't care.

Either way nothing will change.

FWIW this is not 'kids playing'. I live within earshot of a primary school and love hearing the noise and hubub at breaktime. But this shrill, deliberate screaming is something else, it's really unpleasant. If you've not experienced it think yourself lucky.