To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

SEND is when talking about children generally ie children with SEND. To me the D part is important in terms of rights. I would usually say what ever diagnoses and difficulties my son has rather than using a general term.

5zeds

My apologies, I had a look at emails from two groups I belong to, which I read every week, and they both use SEND. I obviously haven't noticed for goodness how long, probably because I skim read them.

As for listing all DD's diagnoses - I knew what they were up to about 16, but I don't know what they all are anymore. Even the cognitive psychologist said its impossible to measure her IQ.

Anyway, whether we talk about SEN, SEND, SN or AN; its all just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic - does using one label over another, make one iota of difference to children's lives? Not, imo!
Society's actions speak louder than words - look at the struggles parents of children with SEND have with education, social care, the NHS and benefits system; all basically due to lack of funding because people vote Tory for low taxes!

As for children screaming in the garden, any parent can only speak for how they bring up their own children - they might find, given another set of children with SEND and very different cognitive profiles, that their parenting techniques don't work? Also, ime, many parents have the same difficulties as their children to a lesser degree - their own lives may be chaotic and its no wonder they struggle with aspects of parenting?

My takeaways from this thread. Parents cannot do anything which limits their children’s’ presence in the world, and that I must show that I welcome all noisy children by not asking that they leave their own gardens even for a temporary period to reduce the noise levels. After all, I can’t distinguish those with disabilities from those without, and requiring disabled people be locked inside is abhorrent.

Meanwhile, I spend the vast majority of my time unable to use my own garden because I have sensory needs, and the neighbours’ children on both sides are screamers.

When we’re talking about the rights of those with disabilities, let’s be clear that we’re only talking about a specific sub-group of people here…

@Intercity225 nothing to apologise for. I really genuinely was interested in the terminology used by different people. I agree it doesn’t matter in that I think people should choose what they feel helps them, BUT it is clear that they do mean slightly different things to each of us. I absolutely WOULDNT think SEN meant “asd/neurodiverse” and assumed it was being used to mean “disabled”. Sometimes that matters, sometimes not.

@AudacityBaby I’m sorry that’s what you took from the thread have you tried talking to the parents? Perhaps if you have you’re a great person to advise @turndownthevolume ?

Do your leavers still use that terminology or do they say “disabled” or their dx?

@5zeds

Mine is happy with SN, or disability. She's still in education, but out of school & doesn't like SEN as she feels it's for kids in school. She also has a bit of a list of diagnosis, so won't use those, because in her words...a, "can't be bothered", b, "it's nobody's business"

Your response to the OP just tells me that you are one of these namby pamby parents that lets their kid scream because they don't want to discipline the child in case they upset the poor little darling.At 5 years old this isn't just a child being a child,it's poor lazy parenting.It wouldn't be tolerated in school so why should OP have to put up with it???

The above comment was aimed at Threearm who said she would laugh in OP's face.(Dont know why it didnt quote).

@Sparklfairy

This will be an unpopular opinion but I don't think kids should be impacting on neighbours just because "they can't help it". Bring them inside.

This.

The entitlement of some parents is unreal.

If the child is screaming it is likely something that it is frustrated/upset about that can either be ;
a: solved, or
B:. explained to the child

My sympathies OP. Too many parents just can't be arsed or are blind to the misery that they cause tteir neighbours.

"If the child is screaming it is likely something that it is frustrated/upset about that can either be ;
a: solved, or
B:. explained to the child"

It really isn't that simple with some children.

I agree that if any child is screaming for a long period then out of consideration for others they should come in for a while.

@AudacityBaby

My takeaways from this thread. Parents cannot do anything which limits their children’s’ presence in the world, and that I must show that I welcome all noisy children by not asking that they leave their own gardens even for a temporary period to reduce the noise levels. After all, I can’t distinguish those with disabilities from those without, and requiring disabled people be locked inside is abhorrent.

Meanwhile, I spend the vast majority of my time unable to use my own garden because I have sensory needs, and the neighbours’ children on both sides are screamers.

When we’re talking about the rights of those with disabilities, let’s be clear that we’re only talking about a specific sub-group of people here…

Exactly.

The negative impact their screamers have on others lives doesn't seem to bother them.
I've seen this several times and, no, in each case there was no ND,. etc in the children.

There was however, in one case, a neighbour with PTSD suffering daily for prolonged periods and who had to move before they had a breakdown.
Others who couldn't enjoy having their non-screaming guests over for a visit; others who had work and or study made very difficult; others exhausted who were working night shifts ( y'know....ike NHS workers who may attend said children in emergencies so need to be alert, not suffering from sleep-deprivation...)

All thanks to lazy parenting.

@Sleepyblueocean

"If the child is screaming it is likely something that it is frustrated/upset about that can either be ; a: solved, or B:. explained to the child"

It really isn't that simple with some children.

I agree that if any child is screaming for a long period then out of consideration for others they should come in for a while.

Of course not with all, but with some it is.

Meanwhile, I spend the vast majority of my time unable to use my own garden because I have sensory needs, and the neighbours’ children on both sides are screamers.

It's city living! As a child in London, my parents lived in a semi. The neighbours were builders, and spent all their spare time doing work on their house. My parents called them The Bang Bangs - their surname began with a B. When I was 7, my parents moved out of London to a cheaper area and bought a detached house.

We've just spent two weeks in a holiday cottage, and the neighbours were digging out their garden with a digger, or banging about with stones to build a retaining wall.

OP, you could just as easily be living next to a DIY fanatic, who spends all their time, banging, sawing and drilling! They are not going to leave their house in an unfinished state, because you have a quiet word!