To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

@GreyhoundG1rl

Why is it instantly assumed that a child screaming without any input from the parents has sen and is having a meltdown? Some kids scream. They don't have to be left to do it in the garden so the whole street can get the full benefit of the noise. So whatever the reason, the parents could mitigate the nuisance factor if they had a mind to.

Welcome to MN, where SEN is the explanation for everything.

It's unbelievable the number of parents who nowadays seem to take the stance that others should tolerate such unpleasantness because they pretend not to be able to do anything about it.

What happened to telling kids before they go and play out that screaming and shouting is not acceptable and if they engage in bad behaviour, they will have to go back in and calm down before they go out again, and then act on it?

Are parents nowadays so entitled to lazy that this is really too much to expect?

I sympathise with you,OP, there’s a child near me who is the same - high pitched continuous screeching. I just feel sorry for the poor parents who have no respite and thank god it’s not me who has to deal with that all day. I also wouldn’t want to blame a child for behaviour they can’t help when they are clearly traumatised already.

@vivainsomnia

It's unbelievable the number of parents who nowadays seem to take the stance that others should tolerate such unpleasantness because they pretend not to be able to do anything about it.

What happened to telling kids before they go and play out that screaming and shouting is not acceptable and if they engage in bad behaviour, they will have to go back in and calm down before they go out again, and then act on it?

Are parents nowadays so entitled to lazy that this is really too much to expect?

Some parents definitely can’t be bothered to teach their child to behave and respect others but there are some children who cannot help that behaviour. I would be so embarrassed if I had a child with SEN who had public meltdowns, especially if a stranger or neighbour commented.

Whenever I get annoyed I just tell myself I’m lucky that it’s not me having to deal with it.

@elizabethdraper

So if your neighbour let their dog bark and howl for two hours loudly for 2 hours , outside ,how would you feel?

Hi OP, my kids are screamers sometimes and i do usher them in or try to intervene. Sometimes though, it isn’t always realistic or possible or even work. I’m sure your neighbours are mortified when it happens and saying something, even politely, is likely to make them feel more awful and uncomfortable. Most children do get through this phase so hopefully it won’t be forever.

I feel your pain but my instinctive primary response is
"Thank fuck that's not my child"

Shortly followed by
"Thank fuck no one is complaining that my child made their child wail like that"

I think this might be a case of enduring until the lad is older & outgrows it.

I was going to say leave it because it’s nearly the end of summer but as you’ve said it’s been 15 months maybe you should say something?

I think it’s really difficult and there’s every chance it won’t make any difference and you’ll make an enemy but given you’ve already got a vaguely friendly relationship maybe approach it along the lines of “I just wanted to say your littlest is really really loud at times with the screaming and it makes me not want to use my garden, please don’t think I’m in any way intolerant of children of playing - I have my own but it is quite intrusive” and see what they say?

I think I must live in a parallel universe to many of the people posting on here. Of course it's not unreasonable to be really bothered by this! And also, of course parents should be mindful of the nuisance their children are causing neighbours AND of course children have to learn that there are boundaries to behaviour. How on earth are children going to become functioning members of society if they aren't aware of the effect they are having on others?!

Having said all that, although you are definitely not being unreasonable in being bothered by this it might be worth holding off saying anything. The weather's about to change and it's likely the children won't be outside again for a while. Maybe the child matures a bit in the meantime?

My neighbours child does this...prolonged screaming, shouting etc. Mum sits in a chair chatting with her friends and yells back at him.

Dad comes home and happy play but no screaming from children or Dad. I think he just knows how to effectively parent tbh.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a neighbourly conversation about this!

Could you test the water by commenting on his screaming in a light-hearted way (in a way that would show that you notice it but not in a way that directly says it annoys you), thus allowing them to give any explanation or proactively offer a solution (and then if none is forthcoming maybe you could say something a bit more direct).

I really don't understand the approach of "say nothing and assume there are special needs." Assuming anything is ridiculous and does nothing to further the situation.

I'd feel pretty awkward but would still let them know that the meltdown-style noise is noticeable and doesn't seem to be a passing phase. For sure I'd say that if there are special needs involved then I'll cheerfully accommodate, and if there aren't then it's a good time for them to think about a different strategy with the little ones.

My DD (7) who has autism did this today. She gets a couple of warnings if I see that she is getting wound up and I just calmly bring her inside. I would say however that given how loud her meltdowns can be I'm sure my neighbours can hear whether it's inside or out.
I would suspect he has sen if he's having regular meltdowns.

@Ionlydomassiveones

“Most children do get through this phase so hopefully it won’t be forever.”

Yeah…my children’s ‘phase’ of screaming lasted from when they attempted it, to five seconds later when they were instructed in no uncertain terms to not do it.

Wow, I can’t believe nobody thought to instruct their children not to do it!! That’s where we’ve all been going wrong.

What about the neighbouring children and adults who may also have SEN (as we seem to be diagnosing everyone here!)? How do they deal with it if they are noise adverse?

I wouldn't point out the meltdowns but I would just sell it as "noisy children".

The child could have additional needs or anything. You just never know.

It would drive me up the wall. I’d have a word but people are so damn precious about their little darlings that I’d prepare myself for some grumpiness.

Try and speak with them. I get on well with my neighbour and have lived there 3 years. Her grandaughter now visits most days and she was screaming her head off all day (they have their back door and all windows open). There is a small path between us and it sounded like it was right outside my window. Did my head in so I had a word to say I don't know if you realise how loud it is and it's impacting me working from home. Sometimes it's as simple as someone having the courtesy of closing windows or doors if they know they are the one causing the noise Nobody expects someone to eliminate an obvious problem just like that but there are ways of mitigating it in the interest of neighbourly relations.

I had a relative who had to move from her home of 35 years because of this. On the face of it the neighbour was lovely, children were generally lovely and she was frequently apologetic for the "high spirits", but oh my word one of the 3 children (middle child, no additional needs) had a scream that could cut sheet metal, and she screamed a lot. Mum was lovely but completely oblivious, I initially thought relative was being a bit sensitive, but when I went over for an afternoon and heard it I was ready to deploy the hose!

I don't think it's unreasonable to say something, if it was loud music or a barking dog (no I am not comparing a child who MN has maybe diagnosed with SEN to a dog) then you'd be well within your rights to ask for some better management of the noise. Either the parents reign it in a bit or they don't and if they don't you have lost nothing.

I’m sorry I really feel for you. My son has melt downs, he is very loud and it doesn’t matter what I do he just can’t regulars how loud he is. I’ve actually wondered if he’s a bit deaf but haven’t been able to see anyone about it. I do however send him inside when he’s on one. He’s just turned six. I don’t think they got any of the health checks they normally have in reception last year.

Regardless you should tell your neighbour. I would want to know. If they are reasonable people they will try to stop it happening or something.

I’m sorry for how poor my typing is above. I’ve had acrylic nails for the first time in eight years abs I just can’t do anything with them

My neighbours kids scream. Mine don’t. The parents are just not great at discipline. I don’t really understand why they let them scream like scratched wild animals.

I can empathise OP, my NDN’s youngest has a propensity to use every expletive known... his favourites are c and f off... he is three! Thankfully his parents tend to take him indoors when he’s kicking off, but his daily tantrums and the noise of his older siblings can drive us insane!

My DC certainly wouldn’t have been allowed to behave in this way and it baffles me that parents are so happy to subject others to the awful behaviour of their spawn!

You could try and speak to them, maybe they are genuinely oblivious to the impact it’s having on their neighbours but don’t assume it will be well behaved. My NDN doesn’t think her kids can do any wrong

Behaved? Well received!!!