To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

Are the other dc behaving in a particularly poor way towards the screaming dc?
Is it that they are getting picked on and respond badly?
Or does the screamer respond in an extreme way to standard play?

If it is an extreme response it suggests SEN may be part of the situation if the other dc are behaving badly to a younger sibling it suggests weaker parenting.

Neither one is likely to be particularly impacted by you having a word with the family.
Hopefully the dc will have grown out of the behavior by next spring.
I do sympathize with you my dc are annoying enough to me and I chose to have them.

It definitely doesn’t happen daily, especially in the garden but I have a loud screamer and I always bring him in if I feel he’s getting too much. I’m wary that if he’s annoying me, he must be annoying the neighbours too!
However, I don’t know the situation of your neighbours. Perhaps he’s like it all the time and the only peace they get is when he’s in the garden. I would have thought they would have spoken to his siblings to ask them to stop winding him up though.

@longerevenings

Are the other dc behaving in a particularly poor way towards the screaming dc? Is it that they are getting picked on and respond badly? Or does the screamer respond in an extreme way to standard play?

If it is an extreme response it suggests SEN may be part of the situation if the other dc are behaving badly to a younger sibling it suggests weaker parenting.

Neither one is likely to be particularly impacted by you having a word with the family.
Hopefully the dc will have grown out of the behavior by next spring.
I do sympathize with you my dc are annoying enough to me and I chose to have them.

Good questions: they don't 'seem' to be victimising him, but I can't hear what they are saying most of the time so I guess they could be whispering horrible things in his ear and winding him up. But from the outside it looks like standard sibling stuff and he is the youngest and the worst at football and this seems to cause a lot of tension. The siblings either ignore him and carry on talking when he does this or argue back but at a normal pitch

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair I don't drag my additional support needs child inside/away simply for the sake of other people.

turndownthevolume - I wouldn't say that would be reprimanding him though, you're not having a go at the child you're just asking him to stop screaming.

I have neighbours' children playing football on a grassed area outside my house. If they kick the ball and it hits my front door which it does on the odd occasion I ask them to be more careful. I always get an apology. I have never had their parents coming round, but saying that I know and speak to all my neighbours and know their children's names and always say hello to the children. I find that helps.

@alphabeticalabc

If my children scream in the garden then they come inside and sit in the conservatory. Every. Single. Time. I cannot bear screaming. It goes straight through me. If they are having a tantrum then they come in. Every. Single. Time. The 6 houses surrounding me don't want to hear that shit. I have friends that seem oblivious to screaming, or maybe it doesn't bother them in the way it bothers me, and their kids scream in the garden daily. I think different people have different expectations.

Yes, that's always been my approach. I'm also sensitive to screaming. Also aware that, for that reason, I might be have unrealistic expectations around this!

Controversial but I think families with a few children sort of get used to the noise and can tolerate it more. Similar with a child with SEN having meltdowns. My friend has 4 children one with SEN who has spectacular meltdowns and 3 boys who are very loud, I can’t think straight when they are in full flow and yet it’s normal noise for her. I would hate to be her neighbour.

Is it possible that your neighbours tune out of the screaming and don’t notice it as much? If it continues all weekend now they are back at school I would be tempted to ask can they take the child inside for 5 or 10 minutes when he screams?

I had this one weekend, kid screaming and screaming, not play screaming but right out screaming, dad in the garden with it. I shouted at the top of my voice shut up screaming. The noise stopped, dad took the child in

I didn’t know where the noise was coming from or I would have knocked on the door. Everyone has the right to enjoy their garden and listening to kids daily have meltdowns is not on

My ds is 4.5 is has started lately to do this. I am mortified when it happens and usually bring him into the house until he calms down. My ds has sen and I would be truly embarrassed if my neighbours said anything and I had to explain this to them, It would probably result in me not letting my ds out in garden if I knew neighbours were home..which would be a pretty horrendous way to live

He probably has SEN in which case his parents may not be able to stop these meltdowns, and may hate them even more than you do.

I would politely suggest you keep your counsel.

Every single day seems a lot for that kind of meltdown, I’d wonder about SEN too. DD has to come straight inside if she’s having a screaming tantrum, although thankfully they’re fairly rare for us. How well do you know them? There are people I know where if they were my neighbours I’d absolutely have a quick word, others I definitely wouldn’t.

@Threearm

I'd probably laugh in your face if I were your neighbour.

Ooh, you're hard.

@Flawedperfection

If they’re reasonable, no harm in mentioning it. If they’re not, then an anonymous note might be an idea. My hard hat is being donned as we speak, but even if it’s a child with autism or something, wtaf should the neighbours have to put up with its noise? I sympathize with people with difficult kids but I don’t know why others should put up with it.

You don't sound at all sympathetic to SEN parents to me. If you had any knowledge of coping with a child with SEN you would know that it's near impossible to stop eg an autistic child in the middle of a meltdown.

Good god.

He sounds like he has SEN or the parents are just used to it. Really though... summers almost over and you might ruin the relationship. Hopefully next year he'll be better at controlling his emotions.

I've got an insane dog that barks its head off at anything and nothing. It's not allowed to stand in the garden and drive the neighbours nuts, if it starts being antisocial I go and bring it in. I don't see the difference between a dog making an antisocial amount of disturbing noise (and doubt anyone would say no, let the dog crack on) and a child.

I voted YABU. I don't actually think you are being unreasonable, as this does sound like a lot of screaming! However, for the sake of good neighbourly relations, I don't think it would be beneficial to mention it. Your neighbours will know about the noise already and raising it runs the risk of souring an otherwise good relationship between you. I think living next to other people is going to be annoying sometimes, so choosing your battles is probably a good idea. It won't last forever and, having read some of the posts on here, your neighbours could be far worse, so I'd probably try my best to let it go.

I can completely sympathise but as a parent of a child with SEN I think potentially there's not much they can do.

DS has incredibly loud meltdowns. When inside the house with all windows and doors closed he can be heard from inside the house over the road. I don't remember it happening in the garden- although he is generally very loud anyway even when happy- I think I'd probably bring him inside if he did meltdown outside, but everyone would still be able to hear him anyway! I'm constantly on edge, worried about disturbing people, wondering if someone will call the police etc. It's really not fun.

5 mins?

My 7 year old has 2 hour screaming meltdowns

If it happens in the garden, that's where it happens.

He is too big for me to lift and bring inside

Buy some noise cancelling headphones, they are great

Both my kids are SEN and have meltdowns, we make them go to their respective room to cool down. Meltdowns are no fun for anyone and children need a safe space to get their anger out without impacting others where possible. It’s not always easy to get them to their rooms but they do calm quicker if they have a space to do so.

Of course you can’t say anything. They are children - in their garden!
If you don’t like it then move somewhere away from other people’s gardens?
Before you know it they will be older and more able to handle their emotions. Please don’t expect parents to somehow stop their children having a meltdown

I think it’s a catch 22 OP, no good can probably come of speaking with the neighbour.

The child could very likely be NT (just as likely to be NT as not), but so far, the parents don’t seem to care in the slightest bit that their child is disturbing the neighbours.

I’d be mortified if that were my child, and would (have) told them to keep it down off my own bat.

If you have a parent who’s not doing that, then they’re not suddenly going to start doing it because someone has asked them to. It’s not in their head to care.

Sorry - it sounds really annoying.

I have 2 Sen kids.

I wouldn’t be able to move mine in the middle of a meltdown-it’d make it worse & probably last longer, so bringing the child inside might not be possible as once the meltdown starts it’s already too late. I just have to let it run its course.

We do keep an eye on ours though if they’re in the garden & they are brought in if they don’t play nicely together.

Why is it instantly assumed that a child screaming without any input from the parents has sen and is having a meltdown?
Some kids scream. They don't have to be left to do it in the garden so the whole street can get the full benefit of the noise.
So whatever the reason, the parents could mitigate the nuisance factor if they had a mind to.

@Theworldspinsonmyhead

He sounds like he has SEN or the parents are just used to it. Really though... summers almost over and you might ruin the relationship. Hopefully next year he'll be better at controlling his emotions.

Being used to the excessive noise and ignoring its detrimental effect on the neighbours are very different things.

@Flawedperfection when my autistic son is having a meltdown, which is severe distress at something and completely out of his control, the last thing on my mind is what my neighbours are “having to put up with”
My concern is my son.