To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

[quote 5zeds]**@Newnewnew1179* Well that’s just a massive assumption.* is it? A child who screams uncontrollably at 4/5 and who’s siblings don’t, who’s parents don’t intervene, I would say is highly likely to be disabled.[/quote]
You can’t possibly make that assumption, don’t be ridiculous.

Even if the child did have additional needs (because on MN everyone who is badly behaved must have additional needs), asking the parents tactfully and politely not to let him scream relentlessly in the garden is hardly unreasonable.

Threearm
I'd probably laugh in your face if I were your neighbour

Gawd - thank heaven your not my neighbour.

I think if a child is known to have noisy meltdowns like this the parent should limit their time in the garden or closely supervise them. Can't be doing the child, or the siblings any good - let alone the neighbours.

@KatieKryptonite

Some parents just don't see it as a problem. I have had a word with neighbours about screaming children just to be told "they're just being kids, what's your problem? Well my problem is that my ASD family member can't cope with their noise. The adults just turn up the thumping music to drown it

I often think about this when I read these kind of threads and see the SEN argument, it becomes a Top Trumps situation, when does a child with loud tendencies trump an adult with additional needs who is derailed by constant noise?

I'm not sure what the answer is to that one.

WIND YOUR NECK IN

[quote 5zeds]**@Newnewnew1179* Well that’s just a massive assumption.* is it? A child who screams uncontrollably at 4/5 and who’s siblings don’t, who’s parents don’t intervene, I would say is highly likely to be disabled.[/quote]
Well you don’t know and neither do I and it is a pretty big assumption from the information given.

I also don’t agree that the possibility the child has SEN means the OP shouldn’t say anything. None of us ever know what other people might be going through which is why I’d absolutely advocate being polite, reasonable and open minded (which is what the OP is saying they will do) but you shouldn’t have to feel you can’t try and address something that’s affecting your life just in case.

I often think about this when I read these kind of threads and see the SEN argument, it becomes a Top Trumps situation, when does a child with loud tendencies trump an adult with additional needs who is derailed by constant noise? people always trot out this sort of nonsense juggling conflicting needs is like breathing to most families with disabled members. I’d guess additional needs because that’s my experience, if you’re more familiar with delinquent parenting then I’d imagine that’s what you’d see. It’s reasonable to say something but it’s also really awful for families who through no fault of their own are dealing with noisy behaviour caused by disability.

@cabinfever102

WIND YOUR NECK IN

If you go to 'Advanced Keyboard Settings', you'll be able to disable your Caps Lock. HTH.

@cabinfever102

WIND YOUR NECK IN

WHY AND CAN YOU ELABORATE FURTHER PLEASE

Nope. They’re struggling enough with the meltdowns without your tuppence.

A simple: please do not scream. You are close to each other. You do not need to scream. How will I know something is actually bad if you scream.

Are parents incapable of engaging with children?

Could you go with the concerned approach - that you’re a little concerned that he is being hurt by his older siblings as he sounds extremely distressed a lot of the time & you wonder if he is ok??!

@5zeds

I often think about this when I read these kind of threads and see the SEN argument, it becomes a Top Trumps situation, when does a child with loud tendencies trump an adult with additional needs who is derailed by constant noise? people always trot out this sort of nonsense juggling conflicting needs is like breathing to most families with disabled members. I’d guess additional needs because that’s my experience, if you’re more familiar with delinquent parenting then I’d imagine that’s what you’d see. It’s reasonable to say something but it’s also really awful for families who through no fault of their own are dealing with noisy behaviour caused by disability.

I don't think it's nonsense to say "maybe adults with additional needs should be considered too". Everyone with a child with additional needs will eventually have to deal with an adult with additional needs?

What if the sound of constant screaming every 5 minutes disrupts my 18 year old with SEN to the point where they become unmanageable?

OP you can try being VERY CONCERNED every time it happens. Make sure to have a very beseeching face and speak very sympathetically. "Are you sure little Johnny is alright, he sounds really upset and I'm worried he's hurt!"

If you politely but firmly go over there every time they will soon do something.. the annoyance of the neighbour interrupting them will override the annoyance of having to deal with their DC..

Nope. They’re struggling enough with the meltdowns without your tuppence.

But how do you know they are? If they are rarely outside intervening it doesn’t sound like they are. It’s just as likely they are indoors with the windows closed, relaxing with a cup of tea.

I eventually cracked and spoke to my neighbours about their DCs piercing shrieking. It’s worked! They now actually tell them off, and don’t allow it. Wish I’d said something months ago

I don’t think having a polite word with your neighbour will help OP. Parents who allow their DCs to act inconsiderately, generally dont take criticism of their kids well. They just won’t get where you’re coming from I’m afraid.

YABU because as PP's say he may well have ASD or something.

did wonder if the child has SEN but it is likely, if that were the case, that the parents would just leave them alone in the garden to be wound up to the point of hysteria by their siblings

Children with disabilities have the same rights to have the same standard of life as any other child.

The time of people with disabilities being kept locked behind closed doors I'd hope has been over/less common for many years.

My life has been much improved by my speaking to them firmly 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP you can try being VERY CONCERNED every time it happens. horrible

@5zeds

OP you can try being VERY CONCERNED every time it happens. horrible

Of course it isn't.

I agree with pps - probably won't make a difference having a word. They are either immune to the noise, don't mind it or can't control it. Those scenarios aren't going to be solved by you bringing it up with them.

I still remember with real embarrassment and horror when a neighbour down the street came to ours, saying they would call the police because of my 4yr old's epic meltdowns. I tried to explain he had SEN, and I was doing what I could to calm him, but it wasn't registering. In the end, I just said sorry and closed the door and hoped I didn't get a police/SS visit.

The time of people with disabilities being kept locked behind closed doors I'd hope has been over/less common for many years.

I don’t think the op wants the child locked away. As I understand it, she would just like to enjoy her garden now again. I would imagine there is a happy compromise to this situation but judging by some comments on here, not everyone is prepared to come to one.

The child will be in school (if the LA provide an education) and it will get colder/wetter and they may be able to help him more as he grows older and his siblings become more aware.

I might be your neighbour i have a super excited 5 yo. I tell him off and 2 seconds later hes singing a song about poop as loud as he can. Ive started telling him he has to go inside when hes not going to follow my instructions. He’ll learn.... i hope