To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

So sad how many selfish parents there are nowadays.

@TwinsandTrifle ... Make mine a treble 🥃🥃🥃🍹🍹🍹 I need it after reading that lot!

You're not doing your dc any favours in the long run as once they're adults and still behave dreadfully, no one else will make allowances and you'll have made their life much more difficult than it needed to be, simply because of your attitude "why should my little darling be quiet/not hit, etc, they can't help it, and if you don't like it, tough luck!"

I really despair.

@Annoyedanddissapointed please do go ahead and have the debate. What I actually said two days ago was
There may be nothing they can do. Complaining if he is disabled will make their lives harder and lonelier but of course is not unreasonable. Poor boy, poor family.
Otherwise I’ve just been responding to ever more unpleasant digs at my parenting and my child’s behaviour, both of which are a work in progress but neither are shameful, lazy, or selfish.

You've certainly made your point if he was disabled, but there's little to suggest he actually is... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well here's an interesting question for you:

*Sleepyblueocean

Ds has to put up with noisy lawnmowers and strimmers, families having noisy smelly barbecues, children kicking balls against walls, people playing music in the garden, groups of people chatting in cafes, babies crying, people letting their young children follow him around and bother him, people talking to him in a loud voice because he has a learning disability even when they have been told not to, people putting prams in the wheelchair space, people putting their car in the blue badge space without a blue badge, people parking their cars on the pavement etc.*

Here's a child, with SEN, who has difficulty with noises. Noises can cause him so much distress he hurts himself.

Now. What if he lives next to one of these posters whose child is entitled to scream whenever they like for as long as they like because (what was it?) "it's not their job to reduce the impact of their child"

So. Does the first child stay outside screaming, or does the noise sensitive child stay outside. Because they both can't. So what do we do here. If anyone has to go inside because of an SEN related issue, we've been told that it's not common sense, or courtesy, it's horrendously locking our children away from public view.

Do tell...

@Sleepyblueocean

To my son it is distressing but if he becomes distressed and starts screaming and hurting himself, he will always be the one expected to leave or go inside.

That's really not cool. Everyone can tolerate a bit of screaming. The world is loud though, even lots of people without issues are having trouble to deal with the constant noise all the time so it must be super tough for him and you

Complaining if he is disabled will make their lives harder and lonelier

No one is complaining about a child being disabled! They are, in fact, far more tolerant once they realise that it's not just a spoilt shouting brat. However, they aren't looking at the child, they're looking at you. Because honestly, while it's convenient to act like they're mean and disablist, the reality is they really don't care because their problem isn't with the child. That's the fact of it. They really don't care if the relentless screaming is from a spoilt child, a child with SEN, a tall child, a short child, the butcher, the baker the candlestick maker.

They care that they are miserable from the continual screaming from "Child X" and could the parents of Child X possibly do something about it! And yes that means taking spoilt screaming Suzy, or a child mid meltdown (so not enjoying the outdoors at the time anyway) indoors if needs be.

I don’t agree with some comments. Parents should be disciplining the child. I was very much sympathetic and it didn’t bother me BEFORE I had my kids and behaviours such as screaming and jumping on trampoline at 7am on a Sunday didn’t phase me, that it till I had my OWN kids. I realised the neighbours were being really crappy parents as they just sat inside in peace whilst their munchkins were running around screaming etc. There’s no way I would leave my kids outside whilst having meltdowns. My kids DO have meltdown in garden if one take something but I swiftly take the crying one inside and explain no garden time till you’ve calmed down. Yes they do in fact calm down quickly!

Its actually caused so much resentment towards the neighbours as they don’t say anything to them at all.

You've certainly made your point if he was disabled, but there's little to suggest he actually is..

And as I explained I see likely disability because that’s my life experience while someone who else might see poor parenting because the noisy children they know are in there opinion poorly parented.

At no point did I say the child WAS disabled just how I would react given that’s the conclusion I would draw.

I’m not sure what else to say. The discussion seems to have moved on to if he is disabled it makes no odds, the parents are still lazy and the child still awful. I think it would make a difference to how I behaved and handled it.

@Verity37 that's incredibly true. When you become a parent, that's when you truly see the stark difference in the considerate way you parent, and how selfish others are.

The audacity that they then pull the "you've clearly got a problem with my child" when they get called out. No. The one thing I categorically haven't got a problem with, is children. In any shape or form. The child doesn't really factor in the problem here to be honest.

The problem is with your non existent parenting and selfish attitude.

The discussion seems to have moved on to if he is disabled it makes no odds, the parents are still lazy and the child still awful

The child is not awful. No one has said that. Why the fabrication?

Parents pretending it's not their job to parent (SEN or not) when their lack of doing so is knowingly causing other people to be miserable. Call that what you like. Awful. Lazy. Selfish. Inconsiderate. Discourteous.

@TwinsandTrifle so glad someone else agrees! That’s exactly what it is - totally selfish behaviour. No consideration for neighbours at all. The truth is kids will obviously be kids but parents need to also parent!

I agree with @Annoyedanddissapointed - they also aren't doing the child any favours - parents might indulge that behaviour but one day they will need to function in the wider world and it the kids of the parents who expected the world to revolve around them that will find that the most difficult

"My kids DO have meltdown in garden if one take something but I swiftly take the crying one inside and explain no garden time till you’ve calmed down. Yes they do in fact calm down quickly!"

What you have described isn't a meltdown.

The child is not awful. No one has said that. Why the fabrication?
I think there’s been a smattering of calling him a brat, and spoiled etc.

What you have described isn't a meltdown. yes I think possibly we are not all imagining the same thing.

@Hogwarts4Christmas I wasn't being sarcastic! I genuinely think you sound like a great parent!

I agree with @Annoyedanddissapointed - they also aren't doing the child any favours - parents might indulge that behaviour but one day they will need to function in the wider world and it the kids of the parents who expected the world to revolve around them that will find that the most difficult

This. It's so sad they can't see this. It's setting up a child who already has more challenges than their peers to face, to fail.

Raising DS is so hard. Relentless at times. And I get beyond exhausted, as most SEN parents do. There are days when his behaviour can be so bad I think, God, we're still at square one. But I don't give up. He's funny, extremely clever, an unbelievably talented computer bod (and hacker, broke through all his school firewalls little bugger), he's a good singer and a natural on the stage. He just can't do daily life. Can't focus. Low level disruption almost every day. He forgets everything. He lies impulsively. No social cues. Constant breaking down of friendships. He has such frustration that he has meltdowns. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. But he's got so much to offer if I can just help him find a way to get through the humdrum part of life that the rest of us do on auto pilot. Every bit of unacceptable behaviour I address. Because better me every day now, and hopefully it's sunk in enough not to be his future employers, who won't just patiently reprimand him like Mummy, they'll sack him. I'll get there if it kills me. It may well

And he's not allowed to stay in the garden screaming

Children have to be taught the skills to function in the world and parents are the first teachers. It's a harder lesson to teach some children. Of course OP has the right to enjoy her garden without the disruption of her neighbours children. People can't wear noise cancelling headphones all the time - the need to hear their doorbell, their telephones etc

Raising DS is so hard. Relentless at times
He's incredibly lucky to be raised by you, Twins. You sound all kinds of wise.

I think there’s been a smattering of calling him a brat, and spoiled etc.

Well no, that's not the context and you know it. The point being made was, the neighbours don't really care about the details of the child doing the screaming. So, whether it's a spoilt child screaming at not getting their own way, a young child that is just screamingly shrill, a SEN child screaming, siblings fighting and screaming, the justification why whoever may be screaming, isn't really anything to do with their issue.

Which is why the parent is enabling their child to scream in their garden for such a prolonged period, when it's knowingly making the other residents miserable. The parents are in question. Not the child.

He's incredibly lucky to be raised by you, Twins. You sound all kinds of wise.

Thanks. I'm really not. I've had my fair share of absolute clangers along the way, but all you can do is keep trying and keep going. As you can probably tell, I'm passionate about my SEN child having every chance of succeeding, when he's already got unfair odds. SEN is too easily batted around by a) people who don't have SEN children at all but think if they churn this word out, usually accompanied with "yeah, I've done a quiz online and basically I know he's high functioning autistic" (why is it always autism they pick) that suddenly we become fooled that their child isn't just badly behaved, and b) people who use SEN to claim that if their children aren't entitled to do as they please, those that question this, are disablist and the world should revolve around their child above all.

By all means, we need to be more inclusive of our SEN children. Adapt where we can to facilitate those with extra needs. What we don't need is to teach them that anyone who doesn't let them do whatever they, whenever they like, is bad and wrong. Sending them into the big wide world with that belief, is imho, dangerous.

I expect you’re right if the child is anything like yours your method would get them to where you are in 9 years.

@5zeds. Not sure who your last post was aimed at, or what you’re getting at.

To become a person capable of showing consideration to someone other than themselves? Yes, I hope so

(I didn't like to point that out @Rosscameasdoody so I deciphered as best I could)

@TwinsandTrifle

(I didn't like to point that out *@Rosscameasdoody* so I deciphered as best I could)

Oops, my bad. Must be the gin !!