To have a polite word with neighbours about their DS screaming his head off in the garden every day?

[turndownthevolume]

Regular on here, have NC for this.

Our garden backs on to another one belonging to a family with several children. The DC are out in it a lot playing football and making a fair bit of noise. That is all fine obvs, I have DC too (though they are older now) and I'd much rather kids were out and about in the garden than stuck in front of a screen. The dad (who I've exchanged a few friendly words with when lobbing balls back over the fence to them) seems a nice bloke.

But, one of the younger kids has really loud meltdowns more or less every day. He'll be arguing with siblings or whatever and he will just let out these bloodcurdling screams for prolonged periods. It makes it impossible to enjoy sitting out in the garden (they are small gardens and very close together) and in fact when he's properly screaming I have to shut the patio doors and windows. It's a bit frustrating during what'll probably last few days of decent weather not to be able to enjoy our garden or work anywhere near an open window on that side of the house. So I was thinking today that I might just go round and say something along the lines of. 'I totally understand young kids getting worked up is a fact of life and but is there any way, if he's very agitated in this way, you could sometimes encourage him to go inside until he's calmed down?' I appreciate that it won't always be possible but maybe if they have a sense of how its affecting the near neighbours they might consider it some of the time. Maybe this is just City life though and to bring it up would be unreasonable and v upsetting for them. Would appreciate some objective views.

YABU - you live in a city and you just have to suck it up
YANBU - and it would be ok to have a polite conversation with them about it

She can't describe his needs. Just like I wouldn't be able to describe the needs of a diabetic. But I know what diabetes is.

You know what she means.

So if you know what autism is, describe what my son is like.

But SEN isn’t shorthand for autism and a blind person would have SEN because they would need adaptations to access their education (Eg Braille books?).

What more focused information do you think you are conveying with the term SEN?

I live in the city and know there’s not a lot can be done re noise round my way it’s constant bloody DIY with noisy power tools. I had same reaction thinking child may have some issues. I Think it’s perfectly reasonable to let them know in a friendly way that it impacts you. We all live in this life together and you are as entitled to enjoy your garden as they are to put a screaming child into their garden. Also child needs to learn there are people to consider around them. Every day is a lot! If children don’t get some checking as they grow up they turn into people who just”laugh in your face” when asked to consider others.

@LittleGwyneth, thanks 😊

@TwinsandTrifle, @Annoyedanddissapointed, I agree with you both. I'm trying to raise my ASD child so that they can fit into the wider world, as such allowances, as some others seem to expect (not me), won't be made for them once they reach adulthood.

Relentless is a good word to describe how it feels at times too.
My DD is artistic, clever, kind, but struggles socially.
Due to how we've raised her, she has learnt to manage her triggers as well as trying to be considerate of others, but it was a really difficult journey to get to where we are now and it may have felt easier for us as parents (in the short term) to ignore her behaviour, but it wouldn't have helped her, us or anyone else in the long term, and actually, it would've made our lives much harder now.

Of course I don't know the exact needs of your autistic child But I'd know roughly what to expect, that it's possible that they are non verbal. That meltdowns may occur etc etc and that they unlikely need a menu in Braille or need a sign language interpreter or a wheel chair ramp. For me (and most people I would think) disabled is an umbrella term which gives me no indication of your child's needs at all. Perhaps this is because you feel you need to make the point that it is a disability where as with other conditions it is obvious You can choose whatever language you wish but I am not sure the rest of the world will understand what you mean.

Difficult one. I wouldn’t confront them- they already know and aren’t doing anything about it. You have a few options:-

1. stand in the garden loudly discussing how noisy their son is
2. Attempt to calm him down unobtrusively- eg Oh my! Someone sounds upset? Does he need a drink?
3. play loud music in the garden EVERY time he does it.

You cannot unsay the words you say to them so don’t say anything.

Why does (or should) a child's right to scream regularly in their garden supercede another person's right to quiet enjoyment of their house or garden?

Those saying move somewhere isolated if you don't like the noise.... you could equally say the same to the screaming child... that they should be the ones to move away?

I'd bet that the screaming child is negatively impacting far more people than the person who is frustrated listening to them scream, so do the rights of those 20 (or whatever) families now supercede the rights of 1 family/child??

People are understanding of special needs, but that's not an excuse to do fuck all about the behaviour of your dc. You should be considerate (like you want others to be of you/your dc), and try to mitigate the effect on others as much as possible. That's all people would ask.

@Hhhh3345566

You should probably move to an isolated area with no neighbours if you want peace and quiet.

5zeds - I think you are being disingenuous. Blind people describe themselves as such. SEN and SN is usually used to describe mental disabilities such as autism and adhd when outside of a school environment. I think this how most people would understand if

My kid screamed bloody murder at 6 this morning pretty sure they woke my neighbors this morning. If they say anything to me I'll be apologetic but If they feel they can parent better than me they can 😂🤣

I'm trying to raise my ASD child so that they can fit into the wider world, as such allowances, as some others seem to expect (not me), won't be made for them once they reach adulthood. the majority of autistic people will need reasonable adjustments to “fit into the wider world”. I’m glad you think your child has a chance of doing that but you must be aware that that isn’t an option for many even with exemplary parenting and support. People who are non-verbal and or have learning difficulties and communication deficits make up more than half the autistic population. We are an inclusive society in the uk and as such disabled people can and should expect to be not just tolerated but accommodated and welcomed.

You can choose whatever language you wish but I am not sure the rest of the world will understand what you mean.
This is exactly what I think of you repurposing SEN (Special Educational Needs) as some sort of shorthand for “autism”.

@5zeds

You can choose whatever language you wish but I am not sure the rest of the world will understand what you mean. This is exactly what I think of you repurposing SEN (Special Educational Needs) as some sort of shorthand for “autism”.

Bit it's not. If I see sen I think of things like autism, heavy dislexia, delayed development etc. When someone says dosability, it can be both mental or physical, but sen kind of specifies a group of issues imo

"SEN and SN is usually used to describe mental disabilities such as autism and adhd when outside of a school environment"

Sn perhaps with younger children. It doesn't tell you about the child though. Sen is about educational needs. Mental disabilities isn't a term that is used anymore and the two examples you gave aren't anyway.

So you equate SEN with neuro-diverse?

It really doesn’t mean that. It means there are barriers to accessing education.

Well that's kind of how it's presented to people who aren't involved with special needs🤷🏻

Anyway, you know this is off topic though

"I'm trying to raise my ASD child so that they can fit into the wider world, as such allowances, as some others seem to expect (not me), won't be made for them once they reach adulthood."

Many people will always require allowances ( reasonable adjustments) and for some they will only increase as they get older. Ds has both autism and a learning disability. It is actually his autism that requires the most adjustments and creates the most anxiety ( noise, routine, predictably etc) but I am finding I use learning disability first because it reduces the "Well he still has to learn" from people who don't understand or don't want to understand.

I am aware of what it means in actuality. My Dd is dyslexic. That is not what it generally refers to in conversation though. Most posters on here have been talking about their children as SEN to describe a specific type of Neuro diverse child. I think if the child was deaf their parents would not have described them in that way. It is clear those parents are aware that SEN gives an indication of a neuro diverse kid. Don't know why you think differently but they are right.

Don't know why you think differently
Because it’s factually correct and how the language is used here🤷🏻‍♀️

how the language is used here
Where?

@5zeds you remind me of that comedy sketch when someone is insistent that the zebra crossing means it's his right of way so walks on and gets hit by a lorry. You may be absolutely right but sometimes you need to take a look around you. Life might be a bit easier that way

The point is @whatthejiggeries “around me” people use the terminology as I’ve described. So while you might find it hysterical I’m not sure logically there would be any way of me guessing it was commonly used differently elsewhere. I would have guessed that the individual using SEN to mean ASD didn’t have much experience of disability.

I find on here that SEN is most often used by people who don't have a child who is ND to describe other children who they think, have behaviour problems.

In real life with all the parents I mix with the term SEN is rarely used and when talking about educational needs, the term SEND is used.