I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

OP, I was a SAHM for goodness knows how long, without a cleaner or a nursery to do some of the work for me. I did 100% of the child/house stuff, and was happy to do so.

You have identified the only real problem with this arrangement, namely that you can start to think you're the only one who can do anything properly at home, and that you are the sole parent to your children (I fell into both these traps). But if you're aware of it, it's a start!

Can I just double check whether I’ve misunderstood what the M stands for? I thought it was mum/mother but from what the majority of people are saying on this thread it it sounds like people think it stands for ‘maid’

If he's working all those hours and you don't need to work he must be doing well for money. Tell him your work may be unpaid but it is valuable and tiring and you would appreciate a cleaner perhaps twice or three times a week.

@Mintchocchip35 - can we chat privately? You could be describing my exact situation except my youngest is 6 months and not in nursery yet so I don't get any time to myself. Would love to compare notes. 😋x

Your “new” job sounds relentless TBH, but I can see how the part time job will be tough too if your DH won’t take on half or at least 40% of the domestic load. I don’t envy you.
Please make sure you are covered financially should anything ever happen in the future such that DH is no longer able to / willing to / present to support the whole family. Also check your pension arrangements. So many SAHM women get screwed later in life. Good luck!

If it was me...

I would expect to do 95 percent of all the school admin and other kid admin and general family admin stuff, and all the weekday cooking. All the weekday daily chores for the house - except split the kids' bedtimes and washing up after meals between you.

I'd also aim to be organized enough that there aren't any major household chores (laundry, big cleaning blitzes etc) to be done at the weekend except the daily basics.

At weekends I'd expect to split the cooking, simple basic daily household stuff like washing up, the gardening, and kids needs 50/50.

I have a problem with the idea that because a man (and it’s not always, but is more often the man) has been at work all week, the childcare and all housework etc falls to the woman 7 days a week.

I think lots of women facilitate this attitude too, that this should be the norm. Lots of women never have a day out at the weekend, never go out in the evening before the kids are fully in bed and do all the cooking, clearing up and cleaning that is required at the weekend. They let/encourage their DH to have a long lie in both days of the weekend and never have one themselves. And this is all justified because the man has gone to work and earned the money. And women push for this sometimes. Often I think it is so they can feel indispensable, and some have martyr complexes, and other believe their DH are incapable with the children or make them so, by never giving them a chance to look after their own children. In other cases this all happens because the man expects it and refuses to do anything because of his week at work.

Even if your DC are in nursery some days and you have paid help with cleaning or gardening or whatever, running the house in the week, is still a job that women largely do. It probably does mean they do the bulk of the weekly work and perhaps a bigger share at the weekend, but it’s not about counting contributions and keeping tabs on who has done most, but being a partnership. A decent DH would want his wife to have a lie-in and a break from some of clearing up etc and would be willing to do some of this and to take the children out and look after them…because they are his kids too and going to work doesn’t mean you don’t have to do anything to look after them.

If a household is lucky enough to have someone at home in the week, it’s a great chance to get most of the tedious jobs of life out of the way in the week, so no-one has to do them at the weekend. There should be time for family time together and bits if free time for all adults. The jobs that inevitably remain for the weekend such as food prep are clearing away can be shared….and the exact ratios don’t need to be pinned down or kept count of.

Weekend cooking could be shared, along with the sort of ad hoc kitchen tidy/wipe up that happens after each meal.

I'd expect the rest of the laundry, cleaning and housekeeping along with family admin to be done by you. With a day to yourself you wont need a cleaner.

Yes, you should do vast majority

I am a sahm, DH works 5 or 6, occasionally 7, days a week. We don't have childcare or a cleaner. I do probably around 90% of household chores, shopping, cleaning etc DH will cook a few nights a week and tidy up after himself. I think as I'm at home anyway and he spends the majority of time at work it's fair, in your situation I'd expect to do the lions share.

On the basis that you’ll be getting a day to yourself (unlikely that your Dh will) and you have a cleaner then yes if I were in your position I’d be expecting to do it all really.

Yeah with cleaner, nursery and a day off (and nap time?) that sounds like you’ll have lots of time to take on the lion’s share of the daily chores as well as do fun stuff with the children. Sounds like a good deal if your husband is happy too. I’d spend part of the day ‘off’ batch cooking or doing jobs and treat the rest of the day as the luxury it is! When he’s home yes he can help out with kids but sounds like you’ll have much more slack. But it’s polite to pick up clothes off the floor anyway, so don’t let that one go!

Hmm tricky one. You both work 6 days a week technically. You shouldn’t share the loads in the evenings definitely. On your day off do you take time for yourself all day or do you run errands and actually just catch up on loads of work because you are child free? If you are spending the day relaxing (totally acceptable) the he should have equal right to a day off to relax. However if your day off is in fact doing a load of housework and life admin then he should help accordingly on his day off. It needs to be equal. Personally I would luxuriate on the day off (properly- don’t feel obliged to fill it with tasks) and allow him the same on his day off too. Like you said his job is his passion and you are supporting that. Does he choose to work 6 days or could he work 5? If it’s a choice on his half then that changes a lot.

Sorry I mean you “should” share the load in the evenings.

No, I would expect with 2 kids that your other half works 5 days a week (or less if other staff / finances allow it) and that you split chores 50:50.

@Lilymossflower

No, I don't think all the housework should fall on you

It doesn't, there's a cleaner as well!

Yes.

Yes, in the main I would, but be mindful you are not taken for granted and end up doing everything because you feel you should. I think a conversation should be had before you embark on this (harder than going out to work) job, setting out your expectations. As the children get older, ensure they have their jobs, so you are not viewed as the skivvy. It’s the little things, clearing the table, stacking/up stacking the dishwasher, bins etc. Just ensure everyone pulls their weight and helps out in the home they all live in and create mess. Also ensure you regularly do something for you or find an interesting hobby - you will need it to retain your sense of self.

@C152

No, I would expect with 2 kids that your other half works 5 days a week (or less if other staff / finances allow it) and that you split chores 50:50.

But then presumably op will need to go back to work to make up the cash shortfall from him cutting back his hours, so the sahm question becomes pointless

I have a similar arrangement with my partner and we share everything around the hole equally. I am a SAHM, not a housekeeper or his maid - and neither of us would want our children to see me like that. I focus on tasks with the children. I may load the off few extra washes in the machine or something because I am home (and of course I do the kids meals when he is at work.) but otherwise we share equally 😊

I do think part of the issue here op is your controlling "three" children. He isn't allowed to do the laundry. He isn't allowed to cook. He gets told off for leaving a mess because you assume you have to clean it up. You're not doing anyone any favours.

If you break a leg tomorrow and end up in hospital for a month, how capable would he be of doing it all?

Let him do his own washing on his day off, then you don't have to worry where it is. Let him cook occasionally because you've been on your feet all day too. Yes day to day most falls on you because your home, babies nap or are at nursery etc but he should be doing something

@Foxglovers

I have a similar arrangement with my partner and we share everything around the hole equally. I am a SAHM, not a housekeeper or his maid - and neither of us would want our children to see me like that. I focus on tasks with the children. I may load the off few extra washes in the machine or something because I am home (and of course I do the kids meals when he is at work.) but otherwise we share equally 😊

So when he comes back after a 12 hour day, do you sit there whilst he washes and cleans and you have your feet up cos you did your chores during nap time or when the house was empty?

You should do everything imo. Maybe he can pop a wash on or empty the dishwasher while he’s waiting for the kettle the boil or whatever but if you want to be a housewife you should do the housework 😂

We share everything equally - I don’t do “chores” during the day. I parent our two young children, play with them, learning activities, mealtimes etc. We have a cleaner who does the main bulk of the cleaning and everything else we share equally. Neither of us would want our daughters to view their mother as someone who “keeps the home” for their father!!

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

In your shoes I would expect to do at least 80% of the house/kid stuff.

This. You say he is working really long hours and you intend to no longer earn so he needs to financially cover the costs for now. You have benefit of nursery time and cleaner so plenty of time for you to get things done. Sounds a doddle, enjoy it.