I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

@Divebar2021

In the main yes I do. I think a lot of SAHPs do the majority without the benefit of a cleaner and the nursery.

Agree with this. Surely there won't be a lot to do if the cleaning and childcare has been largely taken over. Laundry and cooking I guess.

No it’s not a separate issue your sister had to undertake additional training to be eligible for a practice certificate. Without additional training she’d not be a practising lawyer.

If you have a medical or law degree and you’re not practicing or on register you’re not a practising lawyer or doctor and you’d understand the distinction.

Reread your own post * Doctors, lawyers,take time out to have kids - doesn’t mean they’re not a doctor or a lawyer any more does it? well actually it does mean that they aren’t fit to practise without additional training. You’ve actually elaborated upon your GP sister doing additional training after a 10 yr career

Well if he works 6 days a week I’d say yes.

Spot on Wombat Chocolate

@EspressoDoubleShot

Yawn, when you take time out, you’re not currently practising but you don’t lose your career or your training. You claimed that time out means OP ‘has no career’ - which is cobblers.

If you read my post more carefully my GP sister did more training to become a consultant psychiatrist, which would have required additional training even if she had stayed practising as a GP.

OP is a teacher and teaching doesn’t have the same requirements as medicine. She may do subject specialist training to refresh your knowledge, familiarise yourself with the current curriculum etc, but once you have QTS no school will say - sorry you took time out you’re not longer a teacher. In fact the DoE has a scheme to encourage teachers to return.

I was a SAHM. I done everything, we didn't have a cleaner. We have 4 kids. We split jobs at the weekend but during the week or days he was working I done everything.

Yes wombat, exactly.

@Beline4u

I was a SAHM. I done everything, we didn't have a cleaner. We have 4 kids. We split jobs at the weekend but during the week or days he was working I done everything.

You done everything ? for saying it twice.

No job is harder than being a person who cares about the state of the house and chores stuck at home full time or even part time.

Surely nobody seriously thinks this?

Dh does similar hours to your dh.
I'm a sahm.
1 child pre school 2.5 days.
1 at home 24/7
1 at secondary

I do probably 95% of everything.
DH is out of the house so many hours. He does no pre school drop offs or collects.
His hours with travel are ridiculous. They've been so busy this week. He's left at 7 45am and home between 10pm and midnight.
So of course I do it all.

He finishes early in a Saturday so he plays with dcs and catches up with them while I go grocery shopping, and we spend time together on a Sunday, soft play etc

It's exhausting. But it's not like he can come home at 10pm and hoover or whatever.

Absolute earliest he's home is 7 and then it's the mad rush of bathing kids and their bed. We then shower, tidy and go to bed

@Plumtree391 lol.. just wanted to be clear.

@Fizzybun

Couldn’t agree more. I’ve been a SAHM and I’ve worked. Pre-children I earned more than my husband with a fun career. No job is harder than parenting. No job is harder than being a person who cares about the state of the house and chores stuck at home full time or even part time. Not all men are blind to the chores and mess but most DH just don’t see it and get as stressed by it, meaning it’s never time off when you’re in the house and you’re a SAHM or even working. Having a child free day is nothing like a DH having a day off at home. It just isn’t. The world is slowly changing but still mostly if a man looks after his own children he gets congratulated, as a woman you’re judged, demeaned and put down. The value placed on the different tasks is still shockingly unequal. Do what you want, have five days off and make him work seven. You will be judged whatever you do, it’s no longer about what you think is acceptable to others. Women are the cruelest to each other. Hang on in there and give yourself plenty of time off. No one will be helping you when you’re broken from all the crap you took on.

I’m sorry but trying to claim that doing chores is THE hardest job in the world is just laughable. Do you realise that every household do chores, most of them do it over a few hours a week? If it’s taking you a whole week then you’re not doing them very effectively, and if that was your work in most paid roles you wouldn’t last long. “Chores” would be at most a minimum wage, unskilled job if you did that outside the home. Keeping their house looking well is what single mothers do by themselves on top of paid work! It’s what students do when they’re not out getting drunk or getting degrees. Tidying and keeping on top of laundry are hardly military manoeuvres…

Yep. I'd expect to do between 75-85% of the household duties, with DH pitching in on small stuff...help with clearing away after meals, putting kids to bed (although NOT every night, but fathers should be doing that if for no other reason than the kids are accustomed to it if Mum is ill), such as that. But yes, the vast majority should be your responsibility. That has now become your "career." It is unpaid, but critically important.

Given the 'main' cleaning is outsourced, and you have one 'free' day, then yes- I would expect that parent to do the majority of the household tasks. He has one day off- as do you, however your one day off is child free, and his isn't. I would expect him to be involved with the family in that day, but wouldn't expect all household tasks to fall on him, given there is two of you there. Is he home early enough to do bedtime with the kids when he's there? If not, id expect that to be shared on the Sunday, no just him every week, as the fast he's not involved is due to work, not because he can't be arsed.

Exactly,why are so many commenting about her DH weekends off when OP clearly stated her DP works long hours for 6 days?
Read the post people!

Some of these justification responses are hilarious! Yes both parents have a role in bringing up the children but if you are sending your children to nursery and getting a cleaner than what are you doing? I can see it breeding resentment in a few years when your eldest is at school and your youngest has more hours at nursery.

Bring a SAHM with two very young children at home all the time is very different to your set up. That is a hard job but you can't say it's full time when so many woman manage to work and still do all the chores etc that you don't do.

Do what you want and be happy about if but I'm a bit fed up of people peddling the argument that you have a tough ride!

I apologise as i haven’t read all the comments. I think my opinion might be different to others though. And an aside opinion, which you haven’t asked for but I think is more an important point tbh!!

Firstly, you have two children, and your one year will be with you most of the time apart from one day a week when they’ll be in child care and and you’ll have your three year old two days a week, and three days in child care. Right? It’s great you have some help here even though it’s paid for help. And good for you on the cleaner, I have one too in a similar situation to you. I don’t have the one day to myself though. Otherwise similar - I’ve had my two children with me all the time while I’m on mat leave, my 7 month old with me and my 4 year old about to starts school next week. It’s been bloody hard work.

Hope I’ve got all the facts right. I’m sorry, but I absolutely don’t think all the rest at home falls to you in any way!!! Your job is the kids during the day. Your husband’s is his business. The rest is shared! End of! I’ve done both working and children and by far working is the easier job by far!!!! That day to yourself should be your day to rest, for your sanity!!! It’s really hard to have a one year old pretty much full time (bar onr day) a three year old as well two if those days and get much else done. I’m soooooo much more tired looking after my kids than going to work and kids send you crazy. You need that break, OP. As for picking up his shit - you’re not his maid! He should be keeping himself and you don’t pick up ha clothes off the floor. He’s not your third child. From what you said, he sounds like a good guy and not a tyrant. But I’d not fall into the trap of you having to do everything else round the house. IMO cleaning is a small chore, there’s still a million other house keeping things to do. Everything else should be shared between you and your husband I think.

My second point, which you’ve not asked for!!! Is that are you sure you want to give up work entirely? I know a lot of women to do this. I’m talking purely in the situation where they can because their husband earns enough money and the wife doesn’t have to wrk. I think it’s really unwise. Even if you think, “that would never happen to me” (and I pray it doesn’t) what happens if in 10 years time you guys split up? I know so many women who bragged about not having to work and now are getting divorced and their husbands are shafting them as they haven’t worked im years, now are unemployable and can’t get a job. I think for sensible reasons it’s good to keep your hand in. Just my advice out of kindness x

Bingo! ‘Ardest job in the world has been trotted out
Don’t be so daft. Multiple jobs are more arduous than watching your own kids

In fact the DoE has a scheme to encourage teachers to return yes as I said a break from working requires return to practice training. You don’t just rock up after an absence you need to undertake additional training,show your understanding contemporary practice etc

I have never disputed that additional work may be required, I have made that point myself. Depends on the job and the length of time out of the workplace.,However, this doesn’t mean OP ‘has no career’ as you claim. She will not lose her QTS on a break from work.

If she is not working she doesn’t have her career
QTS is retained yes however as I said a break on practice requires additional training to demonstrate competence. So whilst yes one retains QTS one doesn’t retain career if not working. Career is active and participatory, which so why returning to practice is required. Career break is the phrase used to describe the pause in one career during a period of inactivity.

You’re just arguing for the sake of it now. Additional training is not necessarily required as I have said. Depends on the field, the length of time out of the workplace etc.

‘Career break’ refers to anything from paid sabbaticals, to voluntary work, to further study, to taking time out for kids, to travel.

If you want to catastrophise that women have “lost” their careers that’s up to you, I really cba to argue further.

I've been teaching for 12 years and I'm quite confident I could get another job in a few years time. In fact the lady that is currently covering my maternity leave has just returned herself from a 4 year career break as her dad has now started school.

Dd not dad!