I am a sahm - AIBU

[Mintchocchip35]

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.
So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

We share everything equally - I don’t do “chores” during the day. I parent our two young children, play with them, learning activities, mealtimes etc. We have a cleaner who does the main bulk of the cleaning and everything else we share equally. Neither of us would want our daughters to view their mother as someone who “keeps the home” for their father!!
Looking after young children is a full time job

During the week, I do the home cleaning, chores, bills etc. At the weekend, we both clean, cook and run a taxi service for our children. It is a team effort. I do not pick up his dirty clothing. They go in the clothes hamper or they don't get washed. I also do not iron his or anyone's clothes and he does his family side of birthdays etc. I am self employed but only 10 hours a week. We have been married for 20 years and kids are 14 and twins at 12. We have worked it out, but we are a partnership.

@SleepingStandingUp

We share everything equally - I don’t do “chores” during the day. I parent our two young children, play with them, learning activities, mealtimes etc. We have a cleaner who does the main bulk of the cleaning and everything else we share equally. Neither of us would want our daughters to view their mother as someone who “keeps the home” for their father!

Yes, of course the lion’s share of domestic chores should be your responsibility. I don’t understand why you’re asking.

OMG I feel sorry for the men on this thread

I can’t believe some women literally think men should work to pay for their entire lives, also pay to do the house cleaning, pay to cover part of the childcare, not have any financial support from their partner, then come home and do half the housework 🤣 I mean good job for managing to hoodwink someone into that bullshit

100% yes!!!

Yes. The bulk should fall to you OP of course it should. And it should be your dh if the roles were reversed.

I work 40 hours a week but from home and my dp works insane hours, sometimes 7 days but out of the home. I obviously do most of the house work and sort the kids. Though he does the school drop offs and our parents do the pick ups.

Could you do supply if you don’t want to got to 3 days a week? I personally found 3 days was best for my children but very hard for me with work as it wasn’t enough time to do everything properly.

If you be a sahm then yes think you should be doing pretty much everything during the working week especially as you have a cleaner and would have a whole day with both in nursery. Your days with just the 1 year old should also give you some nap time to chill. I’d expect your husband to be doing bedtimes, meals etc of a weekend. You also need to stop being a control freak as you’re being your own worst enemy if he wants to help and you won’t let him.

Yes you should do all of it however I’d also expect you to have equal access to the family income. Not having to ask for an allowance, or any of that bullshit.

@Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme

Can I just double check whether I’ve misunderstood what the M stands for? I thought it was mum/mother but from what the majority of people are saying on this thread it it sounds like people think it stands for ‘maid’

Are you for real? Jesus Christ MN is a weird weird place sometimes.

Yes absolutely. If you do not work, and even have a cleaner, the rest of the housework should be your responsibility.

By the way OP my husband was unemployed for a year. He did all of the child related and house hold stuff (I did the washing but that’s about it), given I have a stressful full time job, I felt that that was fair.

My husband got a new job recently. His quote to me was “I’ve spent the last year doing it all, now it’s your turn.
By the way I still have my stressful full time job. 🤦🏼‍♀️

The amount of women on here who don't see child raising as hard work, or at least as equally imortant as other paid work is sad. I work full time plus, my husband works part time and does most of the day to day childcare. We share weekends so we always have equal time off. I wouldn't dream of making him do everything while I sat about on weekends.

@Undisclosedlocation

I wouldn’t be happy with him leaving stuff chucked in the floor for you to pick up, that’s disrespectful and rude. How difficult can it really be to find the washing basket or whatever? Don’t argue, get a big box. Chuck anything he leaves on the floor in it and then ignore it. He can sort it out himself.

Agree with this

I have never picked anyone's clothes off the floor.

@Kteeb1exactly this! Looking after young children is a full time job! If you are cleaning the house are the kids just watching TV?!

SAHM to pre-school age children is very different to being a housekeeper who keeps an eye on the children.

yes you should be doing it all while he works, especially with a cleaner!

I would have the house spotless by the weekend/food shop done etc everything finished etc - then family time at the weekend. But I would not be picking his pants up! you are not his slave.

I would expect he cooks one meal at the weekend and plays with the kids but I would not expect he has to do any house work due to his working hours and the fact you have days to yourself and no kids, and a cleaner

You should do majority but don’t be his slave!

@Flowers500

I can’t believe some women literally think men should work to pay for their entire lives, also pay to do the house cleaning, pay to cover part of the childcare, not have any financial support from their partner, then come home and do half the housework 🤣 I mean good job for managing to hoodwink someone into that bullshit

@flower it’s unbelievable isn’t it 😂

Yes of course the vast majority should be done if you don't go to work, have a child free day and a cleaner! Wow, that's actually a bloody good deal, though of course it's not an easy job at all being a parent. Essentially you are, for want of a better term, the 'housewife' as well as SAHP, which with 2 kids, implying your rile is to look after the house. I'm sure your husband is very nice and will of course help out and play with the DC and do jobs as well, with a cleaner the workload should be reduced. X

I would honestly consider going back to work part time. I'm a teacher and nearly became a SAHM after my second child. I went back to work part time and am now so pleased I did. Getting back into teaching now my children are older would have been a nightmare, I didn't feel like I missed out on anything as I was with the children more than half a week and of course have the holidays too. It gives you the independence too and means you are contributing to your pension too.

I think you would be wise to think long and hard about this.
From the point of view of future earnings or career, pension etc, it leaves you very reliant on him/ his work.
As pp suggested, perhaps on a part time basis, so that you are keeping your options open.

Yes you don’t financially contribute,you are reliant on dh and you have cleaner & nursery
You can’t leave him with burden and responsibility of being sole earner and waft about. You should do the domestics,the cooking and household tasks
Having said that I don’t actually think it’s that big a deal. Bills are paid online
You have a cleaner
You have nursery
It’s a bit of a doss really

SleepingStandingUp - no, not necessarily. OP said her DP loves working and it's his passion. I may have read in to this something that isn't there, but to me that suggests he works that much at least partly because he loves it so much; so he could cut back if he wanted to. I also suggested that he should cut back on his working hours, if finances allow. If they don't, they don't. Both he and OP should still share chores 50:50 in my view.