Page 15 | I am a sahm - AIBU

Mintchocchip35 · 2021-09-08T13:00:07+00:00

So dh and I have decided that I will not return to work after 2nd mat leave ends. I was previously a teacher. This is more my idea but dh is supportive either way. He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion. So the arrangement will be my 3 year old will go to nursery 3 days a week and my 1 year old will go 1 day a week so I will have one day to myself a week. We also have a cleaner 2 hours a week. So in this instance would you consider all cooking, washing, tidying etc to fall to me even on weekends? Interested to hear your opinions.

Runnerduck34 · 09/09/2021 21:10

I would do as much as I could to keep the one day DH doesnt work as a family day but thats not to say he gets a free pass and never lifts a finger in the house!

UserAtLargeAgain · 09/09/2021 21:12

@Runnerduck34

I would do as much as I could to keep the one day DH doesnt work as a family day but thats not to say he gets a free pass and never lifts a finger in the house!

Family day to me means both adults much in with child wrangling and mucking in with whatever needs doing cooking, putting away toys, helping dress children etc. So the jobs are split 50/50 but kept to a minimum e.g. it's not the day to decide to deep clean the kitchen.

EspressoDoubleShot · 09/09/2021 21:13

But the op gets to never have the burden of financial responsibility
That’s her free pass. She doesn’t have to maintain a wage,be solvent,and pay for nursery and domestic care

cookie4640 · 09/09/2021 21:21

I’d expect you to do it all, I wouldn’t even be questioning it. I’m surprised you have a cleaner too. But hey if you can afford hired help then go for it, I’m just bitter because I’m not allowed help 😂 husband says we have teenagers and they can do it… guess how much fun that is!

Maryjane3227 · 09/09/2021 21:21

You seem to be in a pretty nice situation really.
And why not?
(I'd have been very happy with your arrangement when my kids were younger).
Not sure why you need anyone else to tell you this is OK. If you want this to be your life, and you can have it, go for it. You don't need strangers to approve or disapprove.
Enjoy it!

EspressoDoubleShot · 09/09/2021 21:24

Down side is op has no career, not maintaining a pension and financially dependent on a man

gluteustothemaximus · 09/09/2021 21:25

He runs his own business and works very long hours usually 6 days a week. He loves it and it is his passion.

I have ran my own businesses in the past. I could have worked unlimited hours on them. There is always something to work on and do. That should not mean he gets off scot free of being an adult and a parent.

What would he do if single? Come home and expect the house spotless and dinner on the table?

Whilst being at home means you have more opportunity to put on the dishwasher, pop on a wash load, tidy up etc, that's great. If when he's done for the day, he does literally nothing at all, then I'd say that's wrong. Team work all the way, and split things as fairly as you can and to both of your strengths.

I would consider going back part time. You may not contribute financially with an actual paid job at the moment, but actually you do contribute financially, by allowing him to work all the hours under the sun and providing childcare.

I'd hazard a guess that his job being something he loves and his passion, he will deliberately put all the hours in, knowing you will do everything else.

TatianaBis · 09/09/2021 21:26

@EspressoDoubleShot

Down side is op has no career, not maintaining a pension and financially dependent on a man

Eh? She was a teacher, of course she has a career. She’s taking a break when the kids are young. I expect she will go back when they’re older, like many women do.

Plumtree391 · 09/09/2021 21:30

I've no doubt the op will return to her career in due course.

Ionlydomassiveones · 09/09/2021 21:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

EspressoDoubleShot · 09/09/2021 21:34

She’s a housewife who had a career past tense, she’s no longer working
She’s probably not maintaining cpd or contacts
Not paying into work pension because she’s not working

TatianaBis · 09/09/2021 21:37

@EspressoDoubleShot

She’s a housewife who had a career past tense, she’s no longer working She’s probably not maintaining cpd or contacts Not paying into work pension because she’s not working

She still has a career, she’s taking a break. How do you know whether she’s maintaining contacts? (Not that they’re really necessary for school teaching).

Why are you so desperate to pigeonhole OP with a label.

Doctors, lawyers, bankers take time out to have kids - doesn’t mean they’re not a doctor or a lawyer any more does it?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2021 21:46

@c152 but even if he's working more than the bare minimum to keep them afloat, that money is paying for ops kids to go to nursery so she has one free "day" plus two more with only the baby, plus the cleaner. If he cut back his hours so he was around to do 50/50, at the very least she'd likely be looking after two kids full time and no cleaner. I think his extra hours which pay for some of her load lightening buy him less housework.

However he should be doing more than he is.

Jaxxy · 09/09/2021 21:47

YABU

Surely that’s the point of giving up work, to take the burden of both trying to do this stuff on top of the day jobs. If I was DH, I would be wondering what’s in it for him if you don’t take on the majority of the chores and childcare. If you don’t fancy doing that then don’t give up work, personally I thinks it’s 1950s to give up work and your career, changes the dynamic of a relationship because of the financial power shifting to DH, long term you are obliterating your own personal financial resilience especially your pension so will always be reliant on your husband financially. Even if you return to work when the kids are grown up, you never make up the lost years.

EspressoDoubleShot · 09/09/2021 21:47

Regard medicine If you have absence from practice and are returning you need to demonstrate competency and do a return to work course or additional training
You need to demonstrate competence and up to date practice. Qualification as a doctor is the point of entry, you then need to maintain training record and competence plus cpd

restingbitchface30 · 09/09/2021 21:49

Please tell me this is a joke! I’ve just done 3 75 hour weeks and my house is clean, kids are clean and fed and I don’t have the luxury of a cleaner. You’re husband works long hours to provide. I’m genuinely at a loss with this!!

Fleshmechanic · 09/09/2021 21:52

Yeah.

TatianaBis · 09/09/2021 21:57

@EspressoDoubleShot

Regard medicine If you have absence from practice and are returning you need to demonstrate competency and do a return to work course or additional training You need to demonstrate competence and up to date practice. Qualification as a doctor is the point of entry, you then need to maintain training record and competence plus cpd

That’ll be a: yes indeed you can return to medicine and a lot of women do.

TatianaBis · 09/09/2021 21:57

@restingbitchface30

Please tell me this is a joke! I’ve just done 3 75 hour weeks and my house is clean, kids are clean and fed and I don’t have the luxury of a cleaner. You’re husband works long hours to provide. I’m genuinely at a loss with this!!

By the sound of it you need to get one.

catfunk · 09/09/2021 21:58

If DH works long hours 6 days a week then you're going to have to I suppose

EspressoDoubleShot · 09/09/2021 22:01

Doctors, lawyers, bankers take time out to have kids - doesn’t mean they’re not a doctor or a lawyer any more does it? actually depending on time taken out of practice the doctor and lawyer will have to do additional training to return to practice. The Initial qualification Is entry to the profession however lawyers and doctors need to demonstrate and retain competence to retain registration

Banker is a generic non registered title so I don’t know what arrangements they make when there are career breaks

WombatChocolate · 09/09/2021 22:03

Ionoydomassiveones, Well put.

Too many people don’t seem to see the running of family life as a team effort where there are all kinds of inputs required, or where both parties recognise that both adults need to play a role in childcare, house stuff and have time off.

Being a SAHM should not mean anyone also becomes a 7 day week domestic servant who is fully responsible for the children.

Yes, this OP has the potential for a good life and in lots of ways an easier life than many. The fact she can be a SAHM and have her children in nursery some of the time, plus have a cleaner, are benefits many women don’t have. These things don’t mean she is solely responsible for the children, or 100% responsible for the running of the home and DH has purely the responsibility of work and financial provision. They are still a team. They might be more financially well off than many, but they are still a team and both have a role to play in the home.

There are women on this thread who clearly begrudge the Op her cleaner and nursery hours. Perhspas that’s because they don’t have them. They seem to think that somehow Op should ‘pay’ even more in terms of housework and relieving DH of any responsibility in the home. They seem to think it’s Womens lot, or certainly SAHM women’s lot to be a martyr and to take the view that financial provision for the house is far far more important than the roles of bringing up children, or looking after a house. The desire to fully delienate the roles of men and women, and to make women lesser and always ‘owing’ the family, is so disappointing for a mostly women’s website.

And notice, I’m not saying the SAHM shouldn’t do the bulk of the domestic tasks in the week. But that’s very different to saying they should do them all and also everything at the weekend. So many on here seem to think the Op needs to take on everything 24/7 as a way to sing for her supper. I’d hate to meet the man who would feel happy with that, or the woman who thought it was right. Surely it’s all about Teamwork, and weekends in particular, if both are around is where that really shows up as happening or not.

TatianaBis · 09/09/2021 22:10

@EspressoDoubleShot

Doctors, lawyers, bankers take time out to have kids - doesn’t mean they’re not a doctor or a lawyer any more does it? actually depending on time taken out of practice the doctor and lawyer will have to do additional training to return to practice. The Initial qualification Is entry to the profession however lawyers and doctors need to demonstrate and retain competence to retain registration

Banker is a generic non registered title so I don’t know what arrangements they make when there are career breaks

That’s not what I said: once you have qualified as a lawyer or a doctor you don’t cease to be one simply because you have taken time out of the workplace. Training to return to work is a separate issue.

Take my 2 sisters - one was a GP, took 10 years out to have kids, then decided she wanted to be a psychiatrist and did the additional consultant training.

The other is a banker. Took 15 years out to have kids, went straight back into work with no additional training.

Pinkfluff76 · 09/09/2021 22:13

Absolutely yes!

TatianaBis · 09/09/2021 22:16

There are women on this thread who clearly begrudge the Op her cleaner and nursery hours. Perhspas that’s because they don’t have them

Don’t think it’s anything to do with that. OP’s asking what the deal is as a SAHM and posters have different ideas.

For me - if you’re doing SAHParenting it doesn’t make sense to me to send them to nursery. But I’ve always had cleaners, and being a SAHP doesn’t include cleaning in my book.

Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.

I think we’re all agreed that SAHP does not include picking up DH’s underwear. That’s not messy it’s just disrespectful. If she always picks it up of course he carries on dropping it. And she will be doing that for the rest of his life.