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Original poster

19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

465 replies

StewPots · 08/09/2021 05:14

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

OP posts:
kaleidoscopeheartless · 10/09/2021 09:42

Leave her to it now and carry on with your own things. She is old enough to use the bathroom or get a drink. She's sulking so let her sulk.

Original poster
StewPots · 10/09/2021 10:05

I was talking to DP la at night about it all, and I think the reason she wants to see him 24/7 and have him stay here is actually because she doesn’t trust him at all and want to keep tabs on him… so him basically living here is an easy way for her to do that.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 10/09/2021 10:08

@StewPots

I was talking to DP la at night about it all, and I think the reason she wants to see him 24/7 and have him stay here is actually because she doesn’t trust him at all and want to keep tabs on him… so him basically living here is an easy way for her to do that.
So its a damn unhealthy relationship.

You need to have an adult conversation about this and find out why she wanted him their and whether she has trust issues.

Even more of a good reason to say no he can't stay.

PersonaNonGarter · 10/09/2021 11:08

You need to have an adult conversation about this and find out why she wanted him their and whether she has trust issues.

No, you really don’t need to do this - and you shouldn’t unless she bring it up.

DD needs to start adulting and managing her relationships herself - BF, DM, DM’s DP. And the OP needs to leave her to do that, in the nicest possible way.

QueenBee52 · 10/09/2021 11:39

How are you feeling today OP... did you get much sleep 🌸

baileys6904 · 10/09/2021 11:50

Having read this thread I think some of the comments are ironic- negative comments to the OP and overly nasty comments about her daughter, after OP has only just recently lost her parent is uncalled for.

And for the folk to do that, and have clearly not even read the entire thread-well, words fail me

OP, youve done brilliantly so far and tried to make a hard situation better, in such a difficult time. Fair enough, initially it didn't go well and mistakes were made, however you are tackling them and putting them right. All credit to you and I just hope you have had time and energy to start healing yourself as well, as you've barely had time to deal with your loss.

Your daughter will be OK. Everyone has hiccups. Adults I admire massively have been guts as teens ha ha ha. You've not failed her, you've done amazingly as a single parent and even now. Youve never given up on her, you've been there for her and she'll know this.

I feel you have lost your self worth since becoming ill. You need to realise that the job was onky a small bit of what you do, not the whole of the person you are. People value folk for their being, not their money. Please stop giving yourself a hard time for the negative events. Give yourself credit for how you've handled them instead.

You will be OK

justasking111 · 10/09/2021 12:36

@StewPots

I was talking to DP la at night about it all, and I think the reason she wants to see him 24/7 and have him stay here is actually because she doesn’t trust him at all and want to keep tabs on him… so him basically living here is an easy way for her to do that.
That's not healthy , he's dodging a bullet there by escaping an unhealthy relationship in this way as Mumsnet often says. They'd call this kind of relationship a huge red flag
k1233 · 10/09/2021 12:54

She's pushing your buttons because she knows you'll react. She's trying all of her tricks and evasions to make you do what she wants you to do. You're not home 24/7 so she has time to get herself set up for the day.

Hold firm and do not waver on BF needs to live elsewhere.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/09/2021 13:38

My advice at this point would be to change the WiFi password.
I'd also stop buying her food or whatever nice things she likes.

If she doesn't come out of her room by tomorrow, I'd go in and read her the riot act. That it's still your house and not a house for dossers and she is to get up, get dressed and go out or the next time you come into the room, you'll be bringing bin bags and bagging up all of her clothes and belongings. She is not being respectful to you or your DP and that will be the consequence.

She might be your daughter but she doesn't get to pull this crap on you.

justasking111 · 10/09/2021 13:43

Well I would change the WiFi password but wouldn't enter her room

Beamur · 10/09/2021 13:57

Personally I wouldn't do that. There's no reason to keep punishing her.
The situation needs de-escalation not inflaming. You can hold the line without going nuclear.
Giving the DD the benefit of the doubt here, she's upset, sounds a bit overwhelmed and is obviously in a bit of a crisis with her boyfriend. Will they pull together or given it sounds potentially on shaky ground maybe break up? That's a hard place to be in when you're not a terribly mature 19 year old.
I think Mum can continue to be a kind and compassionate parent without capitulating on this point.

MzHz · 10/09/2021 14:00

@StewPots

I was talking to DP la at night about it all, and I think the reason she wants to see him 24/7 and have him stay here is actually because she doesn’t trust him at all and want to keep tabs on him… so him basically living here is an easy way for her to do that.
Yes may be, but of course NONE of that is of any concern if yours and doesn’t mean you have to take in a piss taking adult into your personal space

If she wants to stalk him, tell her to get herself a pair of binoculars and a tent and camp out on his lawn.

Fruit loop!

Palavah · 10/09/2021 14:07

@StewPots

I was talking to DP la at night about it all, and I think the reason she wants to see him 24/7 and have him stay here is actually because she doesn’t trust him at all and want to keep tabs on him… so him basically living here is an easy way for her to do that.
Her moping is probably as much about her shitty boyfriend as it is about you, but she may not have realised/want to realise that.

Please DO NOT switch off the wifi or bag her clothes up or any of the other nonsense mentioned above. That's not adult behaviour, and you are an adult and so is she.

MzHz · 10/09/2021 14:22

I personally would go back into the room and say that I’m disappointed that she’s behaving like a sulking 5yo and that it wouldn’t be changing any decision I’ve taken. I’d invite her to talk to me about why she’s so angry and remind her that I do love her, but she’s not the boss of the house and that you’ve done enough to help her boyf and that situation has come to an end.

TatianaBis · 10/09/2021 14:26

I would leave her completely and let her come to you in her own time.

CBroads · 10/09/2021 14:30

Her BF is a dick and will never change.
If you push her to move out with him you'll never get her back.
You have sided with your partner so I can see why she'd be upset, he's come into her space and claimed you guys as his property, unfortunately things like this drive families apart forever just remember that.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/09/2021 14:31

@justasking111

Well I would change the WiFi password but wouldn't enter her room
Agree.
TatianaBis · 10/09/2021 14:31

Ignore the above OP.

TatianaBis · 10/09/2021 14:32

(Referring to @CBroads post).

CBroads · 10/09/2021 14:34

@LookItsMeAgain

My advice at this point would be to change the WiFi password. I'd also stop buying her food or whatever nice things she likes.

If she doesn't come out of her room by tomorrow, I'd go in and read her the riot act. That it's still your house and not a house for dossers and she is to get up, get dressed and go out or the next time you come into the room, you'll be bringing bin bags and bagging up all of her clothes and belongings. She is not being respectful to you or your DP and that will be the consequence.

She might be your daughter but she doesn't get to pull this crap on you.

Oooo you're hard aren't you? The mothers partner has no right to dictate anything DD does, after all he's not her dad.

You need some parenting lessons man, imagine choosing your partner over your kids, toxic.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/09/2021 14:36

@CBroads

Her BF is a dick and will never change. If you push her to move out with him you'll never get her back. You have sided with your partner so I can see why she'd be upset, he's come into her space and claimed you guys as his property, unfortunately things like this drive families apart forever just remember that.
'Claimed you guys as his property'? WTF? By the sounds of it he is a very decent, generous and undertanding partner and financially the one keeping the fucking show on the road. If I were him I would have been gone long ago.
Beamur · 10/09/2021 14:37

If you read the thread you would know that's not the case.
The OP doesn't want the bf to move in.

TatianaBis · 10/09/2021 14:37

You need some parenting lessons man

Apparently you need some reading lessons...

sloutside · 10/09/2021 14:45

I'd just ignore the sulking in her room behaviour. Just leave her to it.
She'll get over it eventually.

ChargingBuck · 10/09/2021 14:51

@CBroads

Her BF is a dick and will never change. If you push her to move out with him you'll never get her back. You have sided with your partner so I can see why she'd be upset, he's come into her space and claimed you guys as his property, unfortunately things like this drive families apart forever just remember that.
Actually, Partner has sided with OP, not the other way round.

It's OP's house, she's fed up with having a piss-taking 20 year old b/f in it, & DD is hiding behind the same incorrect "it's all the DP's fault" conjecture to avoid reality & manipulate her mother into backing down.