19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

@StewPots

Just caught up with your entire Thread... no wonder you are exhausted and emotionally drained, please take care of yourself, you sound like you are at breaking point too..

You are not being unreasonable..

Leave her to it OP. She's not ill she's having a sulk. Her blocking you is so silly there's all sorts of reasons you may need to message her if she's living in your house hopefully that one will bite her on the bum.
I'd leave her to it for now but longer term is she's an adult living with you you need to agree basic ground rules and respect.

Can they afford to rent a bed sit or 1 bed flat?

I think the fact I can no longer work has made me go down in her estimation as well, since I always worked full time up until last year.

Does that mean you can't give her as much money? She seems to want you only for what she can get out of you.

In years to come, if it doesn't work out with her current bf, she'll regret what she's putting you through. Hold your ground and stay strong. Hopefully, she'll come to her senses soon. She is behaving appallingly.

This is ridiculous, ignore her. Do nothing for her and change the WiFi passwords. Stop trying to placate her.

Another one here saying stick to your guns!
I also think you need to lay down any other rules that you want now she is adult. For example, that she pays you a realistic weekly amount for her keep and that she does some chores around the house.
Also, you say the bedroom she is using currently is the one that gives access to the garden. Is this her usual bedroom or a room she took over with her boyfriend? If it isn't her usual bedroom, I'd be telling her she needs to move back to her usual room, so the whole family regains the use of the room leading to the garden.

As an 18 year old who also had moved out and was supporting myself (I’m now 30 so this wasn’t 30 years ago) I think she’s taking you for a ride.

Hiding in her room and refusing to eat is just manipulative and if you capitulate now you’re not helping her, you’re enabling her. Other people are not going to give her such an easy ride in life so it’s probably best she learnt this lesson now.

Never mind that she’s being unbelievably selfish in not recognising you have your own health issues and grieving going on and she’s not the centre of the world.

Sorry but I think everyone needs to calm down calling this young woman a "nasty bully" and "deeply unpleasant". Yes her behaviour is awful currently, but that doesn't mean she is deep down an unpleasant person. She is very young fhs! And she is under the influence of a very unpleasant bf by the sound of it. It is more than likely that she will grow up to be a perfectly decent human being in a few years time.

Teenagers aren't always known for their rational, selfless and pleasant behaviour. (Bully for you if you are a parent reading this and you have teens who are impeccably well behaved.) One of my teens at home can be utterly vile and I don't mind admitting it. And I know from my own experience, from talking to my friends and reading threads on here, that parenting teens can be very challenging indeed.

Nor should posters be saying things like "I think you need to look very hard at your rearing of such a deeply unpleasant young woman and how she came to have such little regard for her mother and family.". This is not the op's fault! Op, please do not doubt yourself or your parenting. You haven't "obviously gone wrong somewhere". If you have made any mistakes at all, it is being too loving, and that is very understandable in the circumstances.

Teenagers can be really horrible for a variety of reasons related to plasticity of the brain, past events, hormones, and the fact that they are becoming individuals in their own right and rebelling against those they love the most. I know many parents who have troubles teens and untroubled teens in the same family, all raised in the same way.

I am not writing this to excuse your daughter's behaviour. Op you have every right to stick to your guns on this one. And your teen will benefit from firm boundaries and learning a hard life lesson or two. But I dislike it when poster after poster comes on here and think they can insult a young person without knowing them. Young people tend to grow up and become wiser and more rational and kind and they start making better choices about their relationships. Give the young woman a chance.

I think the fact I can no longer work has made me go down in her estimation as well, since I always worked full time up until last year

I can relate to this, we’ve had an interesting few years with DD. Her Bf does live with us has done since 18 they are now 22 and 23 but that’s a different story. DH has had a brush with cancer, now completely gone he’s fine, but she gets so so protective over him, if he’s got a cold, goes to the loo more than twice in a morning she starts stressing. If I am ill however she is almost angry with me for not being invincible, I get zero sympathy and she clearly resents it. It’s very upsetting.

I still wonder if he has dumped her, got back together because things not going well at home, realised he was onto a good thing being able to stay with you and now you’ve put a stop to it she’s no longer useful. If this is the case she will of course completely blame you.

Also if she is sneaking out during the school run tomorrow is Saturday.

When does she have to go to work?

I think the fact I can no longer work has made me go down in her estimation as well, since I always worked full time up until last year

I’m sorry to hear it OP, that’s not a nice perspective to be on the receiving end of.

Do you think she has considered how she might go down in people’s estimation herself for treating her ill mother poorly and working but not contributing to the household?

I think you have hit the nail on the head that this may be related to your trying to protect her from her dad.

I actually wonder if she has unconsciously picked up behaviour patterns from him - because it struck me earlier in the thread that this whole manipulation campaign and having to walk on eggshells around her may be an echo of his MO.

I wonder if your focus on and anxiety over her moods, your need to appease her, may be related to having been in an abusive relationship. That may be why it’s such a trigger for you.

The blocking thing is only temporary - she’s just trying to punish OP and manoeuvre her into retreat.

OP, it sounds as if you have tried to do your best and her decision to respect you less because of not working is on her.

I hope you find strength as I think you are at a cross roads.

Her moving out will be better for you and your health.

Turn off the wifi.

She needs to join the dots on who owns the house and pays the bills for services she is so happy to use.

She’s had a week off which is why I can’t understand why she hasn’t at least seen bf during the day when he’s finished his morning shift… she goes back to work next week

It’s just horrible because most days we share funny videos to each other, we usually get on well despite everything. She’s always talked to me about everything too - work, health, life. I vowed to be an approachable parent where my kids can come and talk to me about anything, as neither of my own parents were like this. So to be completely cut off has been deeply hurtful.

@StewPots

I haven’t done laundry or cooking to be fair. But yes I thought I’d done a good job as a single parent because I worked extra hours to pay for extra tuition, I instilled what’s right or wrong, always made sure she was cared for etc etc… but yes I have let things slide over the years ( she’s never been a drunk teen or out causing trouble or anything ) and however little they seem she’s used it to play me as you say. I think because of what her D is like, and then her stepdad, I perhaps have wrapped her up on cotton wool of some sort to protect her. But it’s made her lose respect. I think the fact I can no longer work has made me go down in her estimation as well, since I always worked full time up until last year. I’ve obviously gone wrong somewhere.

She is under the influence of the bf. Whether directly as he tries to control and manipulate her to do what he wants or indirectly because she is 'in love' and desperate for his approval. She has yet to learn men like this are bad news.

This is not your fault. There isn't a lot you can do on this front. She has to find this out for herself the hard way. She has to learn that despite all the dreadful boyfriends you will still be on her side. But she must also respect you.

I strongly suspect that bf has dumped her now his free lunch has been removed and she blames you for it. She also may feel used and angry but its easier to pin that on you atm rather than process it as him being a tosser because she is heartbroken and cannot quite cope with how she has been used. The fact she doesn't appear to have left the house to see him speaks volumes about the relationship and how likely it is she will move in with him.

I think its time for another stern chat about her behaviour and her responsibilities. This can not continue.

I think you've been somewhat afraid/ reluctant to challenge her from how you handled things previously always wanting to be the nice guy. I think you need to spell out how she has taken advantage of that and is acting like a spoilt brat. If she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to start acting like it.

As tough as it is you need to assert your boundaries and tell her what you expect from her as an adult.

You haven't failed in your parenting - you've hit a cocklodging shaped obstacle - which has given you new issues which you now need to deal with and confront head on for both your sakes. This guy has fundamentally changed the relationship between you and she has suddenly regressed to a child the second it doesn't work. You have to point out if thats the case, perhaps she isn't ready for such a serious relationship and him living with you was therefore inappropriate for that reason alone. She needs to start growing up rather than throwing her weight around and taking things out on others.

This isn't an easy situation but you have to decide what you need and start putting yourself first a bit more and she needs to understand thsat she has to accept that and what you say or decide its time to move on.

The ball is in her court.

And yes that wifi and phone need to be discussed if it continues. 14 year olds get wifi and phone bans if they misbehave. If she wants to play that game, you are happy to play along too.

I think the fact I can no longer work has made me go down in her estimation as well, since I always worked full time up until last year

If it's any consolation op, among my friends, if the teen dds are not getting at their mothers for being sahms, then they are getting at them for always being at work! If you have ginger hair they would probably get at you for that too! I wouldn't take it remotely personally.

She sounds like quite a "young" 19 year old to me, who is anxious (fight or flight remember) and who is stuck between becoming her own independent person and remaining living with you. She wants to cut herself off from you and live independently,
at the same time, she doesn't. Your home represents her inner emotional battle. And the relationship with the bf isn't helping at all either. To me she sounds scared rather than "bad" although her behaviour is of course wholly unacceptable.

I strongly suspect that bf has dumped her now his free lunch has been removed and she blames you for it. She also may feel used and angry but its easier to pin that on you atm rather than process it as him being a tosser because she is heartbroken and cannot quite cope with how she has been used. The fact she doesn't appear to have left the house to see him speaks volumes about the relationship and how likely it is she will move in with him.

I think Toothbrush is spot on, here.

She's no longer useful to him, but he is still manipulating her by blaming you for "having to end it", and it is emotionally easier for her to blame you (because she knows you love her and will invariably be there for her) than to admit that he is a tw*t.

He may even still be calling the shots by phone, just out of spite.

For all of your good, please don't weaken. just keep on keeping on. Tell her there's a cup of tea (or whatever) if she wants one. Or if you make dinner she particularly likes, ak her if she wants some (and don't worry if she doesn't).

If the BF has dumped her, she may genuinely be too upset to eat. But she will eventually - and she will certainly not go too long without a drink. She'll be sneaking into the bathroom for water, if nothing else.

Being a parent - a good parent, one who is prepared to set boundaries - isn't easy. You are doing well.

For the sake of the other three in the family you have to stay strong. Don't keep checking up on her (though do go through the room to the garden, don't let her block you from that) or things will get worse.

My sibling is similar and we had a situation equivalent to yours. Mum did stand up to her, felt bad and spent ages trying to make it up to her. What could have been a defining moment where my sibling learnt she's not the centre of the family was lost and she still controls the family to this day. Mum's bullied by her, and has damaged her relationship with me. Don't let this happen to your family.

I wonder when you are going to start getting angry.

You don't have to shout or behave badly but some anger seems an appropriate response to her bad behaviour.

She's sulking.

And your worth is down to who you are, not whether you are well enough to work.

Another vote for suspecting the boyfriend has dumped her when he realised his meal ticket had ended.
Re the blocking, it’s a very childish move, tell her you’ve realised she’s done it and it’s a ridiculous move on her part.
Also no 19 year old is going to willingly pee or shit themselves so she’s 100% going to the loo at some point. If she doesn’t, it’s her own bloody look out. Honestly you’ve got a manipulative one on your hands here - please don’t cave or you’re enabling the bad behaviour.

Personally I wouldn't tell her you know she's blocked you, because that lets her know you've tried to contact her.

Keep all contact personal, even if it's through a locked door
"There's a pot of tea made if you want a cup"
"I'm going to the shops - is there anything you need."
"We're having pasta. Do you want some?"

Let her come to you in her own time.

She may actually decide to move out (unlikely, but possible). If so, just make sure that she is welcome back at any time - for a meal, a bit of company, or even to move back in if she finds she ever needs to.

*just make sure that she KNOWS SHE is welcome back at any time

Sorry - somehow knocked some words out

I'm so sorry you're being treated this way, OP, it's really horrible and hard for you. Obviously you love your daughter and feel terrible that there's this breach between you.

I agree with pp she is blaming you for her bf dumping her, and is pushing you so hard because she knows she can. She can take out all her anger and hurt on you safely, whereas she can't do that with her bf. I also agree she is being very manipulative, which may be behaviour she's learned from her dad or from this bf, but you can't give in to it.

I think anger is appropriate and maybe your daughter needs to see this to give her a sense that you and your feelings also matter here. Is your DP angry? Could he speak to her? I don't mean to have a go, but to calmly express that there is anger there and to advocate for you. Also to show that there's a united front about what should be happening now. Which is that she should shape up or ship out, essentially. You cannot have an adult in your home who refuses to speak to you and treats you so badly. But you can let her know that you would welcome her backing down from this and sorting things out.

You have a young child also in the house and you are under a lot of stress and experiencing grief. Your daughter should honestly be ashamed about the way she's treating you. Yes, she is young and she is obviously in emotional pain. But her behaviour is unacceptable and that needs to be made crystal clear. Keep going, OP