19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

"Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot."

Well that's probably what they're saying about you and your dp to other people now. Perhaps his stepdad got fed up of him too?

Just frame it as wanting to help him to find a settled home, don't want your relationship spoiled with all this tension etc

I moved in with my boyfriend and his family when I was 17. My stepdad was drunk and abusive and I was having a really bad time at home.
We started staying a few nights at each others parents houses, and then I moved in just with his family.
I wasn't really comfortable living there, it was a completely different dynamic and his family would constantly critise me.
I was at college full time and had a job part time on the weekend.
Me and the boyfriend moved out together within about 6 months of me moving in with his parents (so don't assume your daughter will definitely stay with you), on a part time wage and with no one actually asking me to leave.
The breathing space was better all round and I loved having more independence, even though we had absolutely no money after paying bills.
Also, don't write off the relationship and that it will definitely end, me and boyfriend have now been married for quite a while and are very happy.
It has made me bitter that when I was younger I didn't get a chance to travel, meet new people, save a deposit for a house because my abusive stepfather made my own home so uncomfortable but that's life sometimes.

I'm concerned that your friend agrees with your dd.

Are you certain your dp is blameless then? You sound very grateful that he's 'willing to look after you' despite your health condition. Don't walk into another abusive relationship. I don't know. It's hard to see why your friend would agree with your dd in the circumstances you present here.

Could you come up with a plan - they give you say 500 each a month for 2 months. You save half that for them and they get a deposit together then for a rental home and then move out. It'll have an end date, but in from them and a plan to get involved with

Gosh, I'm one of those people who made that post all about me 😬
Basically, kick him out. Give him a certain amount of time to find a new place. If she goes with him then be supportive of her but let her go.
I managed it on a lot less money than they are on from the sounds of it and turned out okay.
Everyone needs to grow up at some point. And if his stepdad is abusive than its horrible and its a good job he's got himself out that situation, but he is an adult so he can't make you responsible for him.
Your health needs to take priority at the moment.
I also suffer from anxiety and low self esteem, and for me having some independence and building a life for myself has at least made me feel accomplished and made me realise that I am capable at a lot more than i thought I was back then.

Really good advice from @fourminutestosavetheworld

Do not agree a date too far in the future. 6-8 weeks should be plenty.

You need to present a united front with your partner. Don't make him (your DP) out to be the bad guy with you just passing on the message.

She (and her BF) may call names but remain calm. Don't let that sway you. She'll just be a teenager acting out.

And don't determine the solution for your DD/her BF, don't get drawn in to having to produce a suitable apartment /houseshare for them to approve.

Stay firm but smiling.

Oh, and in due course I would let your daughter know that her room is there if she needs it for a safety valve given the relationship history.

Ugh so much angsting. I don't know why you're setting this up as your partner vs them, it's YOU that wants them out as well, own that and say so. It's time he left, she is welcome to stay but it sounds like you are making out like you are caught in the middle when you really aren't. This is what you want, tell her so. He has to go, it's not your partners decision it is yours jointly. She can decide what she is going to do with that as an adult. The past is the past, she isn't being trated unfairly now and she always has a place in your home but there isn't room for him as well. You've been more than generous offering him a place when he needed it but this is not his home. Cheeky fuckers wanting half the bloody house and refusing to speak to the bill payer because of anxiety but doesn't stop her calling you all the names under the sun. Stop overthinking it, layering on angst from the past to a perfectly reasonable position for now. He needs to go, its not partners decision it's yours.

They can rent somewhere together, good luck to them

@StewPots

I’m just overwhelmed because I fully expected to come here and be told I was a selfish bitch choosing a man over my DD… like he says we’ve been put in a position we shouldn’t have been in the first place. Yesterday DD said she wanted the bottom part of the house for her and bf to live in and she’d pay for the bottom bathroom to be fixed so they didn’t make noise coming to the top for the bathroom up there. She’s made me feel awful when partner said no fecking way… my mate agrees with her :(

when instead of expecting the house to be converted into a mainsonette to suit them both , they could just rent a flat , except they dont want to because then they will be paying out a fair bit more cash than they are now i wouldnt want another adult in the house either , i like my privacy , my daughter could live with me until shes however old ,but i draw the line at a boyfriend moving in though , and my mum would never have tolerated this bullshit from me .

if its got to emotinal blackmail and all the not feeling comfortable rubbish then theres really only one solution which is they rent somewhere together
as for him not wanting to live with people he doesnt know , hes sort of managing that now really , its not like you are his family and if shes making out how uncomfortable they now feel they now feel , he will be better off with his own place

I think the mistake you made was telling your daughter and her boyfriend you wanted him to stay less because of your partner. It was a bit unfair to hide behind him when you both felt the same. It gave your daughter an easy way to divide you.

I think you need to sit down and say to your daughter this is an issue you feel equally strongly about and you shouldn't have said it was your partners issue.

He has to move out and she can move out with him. He can drive them two towns to his dad to sleep for a couple of weeks while he finds a place, he works full time- you’re not making him homeless.
‘Darling I love you and I hope one day you understand where I’m coming from. Now you’re an adult you can choose to be independent and have your own housing, or you can choose to respect our house rules. We never agreed to your bf moving in, frankly rather than respecting us he's taking the piss and must go.’

@StewPots

I’m just overwhelmed because I fully expected to come here and be told I was a selfish bitch choosing a man over my DD… like he says we’ve been put in a position we shouldn’t have been in the first place. Yesterday DD said she wanted the bottom part of the house for her and bf to live in and she’d pay for the bottom bathroom to be fixed so they didn’t make noise coming to the top for the bathroom up there. She’s made me feel awful when partner said no fecking way… my mate agrees with her :(

No fucking way is spot on. Renovate your own place to suit you.

@fourminutestosavetheworld sorry I wasn’t very coherent on that. She doesn’t agree per se, it’s just that she was trying to help me navigate other options etc yesterday and talked me down when I was so upset over it all. She sees my partners POV too and recognises we aren’t kicking my DD out or anything, we just want a break from the bf 2/3 nights a week. Partner and I have our ups and downs as all couples do but we rarely argue - this situation has caused us to have a massive disagreement to the point where he walked out last night to cool off because he says I’m letting them take the piss out of me and he hates me being treated this way. He is not abusive at all - I am free to do what I want when I want, he helps me, helps my DS and has frequently helped DD with things, he’s just a really decent bloke but his patience has been tested

Neither of them sounds anxious. They both sound like entitled bullies using 'anxiety' as an excuse to avoid awkward conversations.

Can't believe the brass neck of the bf.

I'd talk to them both as soon as possible, ask him to move out, tell your dd she's welcome as long as she sticks to house rules, eg doing her share of housework and cooking, and paying rent. Selfish twats!

Do NOT settle for 3 nights or something like that now- he desperately needs to look after himself for a while. He wasn’t reasonable about it, you don’t trust him to respect it’s your house, and he can’t live there.

Frankly I’m sick of the anxiety card being trotted out as an excuse to get away with behaving like entitled twats.

Unless they have an actual medical diagnosis of anxiety I would give that one short shrift. It seems that everyone has anxiety these days and society is a worse place for it.

If she says she’s going to move out offer to help her pack. She’s an entitled brat and as an adult she’s perfectly old enough to make adult decisions.

FWIW I wouldn’t want another adult moving in here even if I liked them, much less if I didn’t.

Daughter is taking the piss ,how dear she move someone in to your home without your agreement first.
Don’t think your husband is being unreasonable at all.
Sounds to me like it’s time your daughter and boyfriend got their place ,it’s time they moved out .
Very unfair situation if they are earning more than you both ,yet getting supported by you both .
Your dd is being unreasonable 100%

They need to find somewhere of their own

@fourminutestosavetheworld , good advice apart from the idea of telling BF "we are fond of you and you're welcome for 3-4 nights a week". Nothing could be further from the truth, so how would that help?

I think you’ve been too tolerant of your DD. You haven’t sided with your partner. Your DP is just trying to protect you from your daughter. Her sense of entitlement blows my mind!

It’s time for her to move out and spread her wings. Tell her she’s welcome to return at any time but she must respect the rules of your house.

I just wanted to say ,my dd at 19 did the same actually,and it caused huge issues in the family dynamic..no sooner had her bf moved in ,he quit his job and for 5 months gamed all day..my daughter then got a new job where she worked away all week and left him here for us to feed ,all week while he gamed all day and night .
I learned very quickly from this ,that the more you give the more people take .
It took a long time to get him out ,as he had anxiety and depression…suddenly came on just after he moved in ,and had to pack his job in because of it …apparently…..
Don’t make my mistake,once they are in ,feet under the table ,they are hard to get out when they cry depressed.
My daughter now at 24 is a different person than she was at 18 ,she has matured so much ,and is so apologetic for everything she put us through.
So stand firm ,he has to go .

Yes, they need to move out.
You’ve been good to have had the boyfriend for 3-4 nights a week, I don’t let partners stay at all.

I agree with all of you and I accept I was wrong to make it out like it was my partners POV when actually I feel that way too… I’ve been unreasonable I’m not standing up for him or myself and yes I have totally let my DD run rings around me. She has been taking the piss and so has he… but it’s now just basically I’ll be seen as a bad mum who’s thrown her out which isn’t the case at all. She wants to be with bf 24/7 and have an easy life… that’s not the real world. I’m just dreading today and I know DD is going to slag me off to my own mum :( urrgh

The boyfriend needs to move into a house share. End of story. Your daughter needs to get a dose of reality, and maybe she should be moving out too if she can't accept your expectations. Stop indulging her.

I agree with your dp.

I think you need to sit down with your dp and agree a plan, timescales etc. Then you all sit down and you explain what you want. I'd suggest you give them a timescale to move out. I'd caveat that with your dd is always welcome at home, however it's time they both stood in their own two feet and found alternative accommodation. They have enough money to support themselves and if needed you will provide her new rental company the £100 she has paid you for the first month.

It would also be a hard 'no' from me re the downstairs bedroom etc.

They are both trying to bully you into submission playing in your kind nature and using anxiety to get to you. Time to put your younger dc yourself and dp first. Your dd is an adult now