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Original poster

19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

465 replies

StewPots · 08/09/2021 05:14

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

OP posts:
Original poster
StewPots · 09/09/2021 22:05

It has been especially tough today. She’s blocked my number on her phone and also off all her social media.

OP posts:
Chartreuse45 · 09/09/2021 22:20

Sending you all the strength I can. She is just trying to make you feel bad. It's exactly what other posters have said, she has probably eaten, drunk and gone to the loo while you were out. If not it's true that it would take a very, very long time without eating or drinking for her to suffer any health problems. Please keep strong, in the short term for your 7 year old and partner and in the long term for your daughter. She needs to know she cannot use other people as she is trying to use and abuse you and your partner. Good luck!

BlueSuffragette · 09/09/2021 22:20

OP time to get and stay tough. DD needs a reality check. Good luck and sorry she is putting you through this. Flowers

TatianaBis · 09/09/2021 22:21

In the nicest possible way, at this point, you’re catastrophising.
You’re far too enmeshed in her drama.

It hasn’t been tough, it’s been boring and wearing. Teen having a strop because she didn’t get what she wants.

She’s manipulating you to capitulate.

ZenNudist · 09/09/2021 22:30

I think your speech to hef was perfect. Very understanding, firm but fair. You need to step back now and not let her ramp up the drama. I think she needs to get her own place. In time she will come to realise she was being unfair on you.

Don't let this stress you out. Get onwith things and not let her make you feel bad. She's not worrying about how her shitty behaviour affects you. Stop worrying what your perfectly reasonable offer to the the BF stay 3 nights a week, (madness they need their own place) has done to upset her!!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 09/09/2021 22:31

@StewPots

It has been especially tough today. She’s blocked my number on her phone and also off all her social media.
But she is still living in your house. So not so upset that she can’t be subsidised by you.

There is a book about this:-
www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/B004XZXPOQ?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

PersonaNonGarter · 09/09/2021 22:35

OP, you are lovey but you are doing no one any favours at all - DD, DP, you, BF - by being so emotional and dramatic. Your DD is having a manipulative teen strop and you need to see it for what it is.

Why isn’t she at work?

justasking111 · 09/09/2021 22:39

Stop going to her room, she's a woman. Leave her be she'll either move out or or give up. She's behaving appallingly

billy1966 · 09/09/2021 22:40

OP, kindly meant but your judgement is just so skewed.

Can you not see that you are being manipulated and played by a deeply selfish young adult that could care less about you.

I think you need to look very hard at your rearing of such a deeply unpleasant young woman and how she came to have such little regard for her mother and family.

Sounds like they are a right match.

You need to toughen up and protect your relationship and son from her and her relentless drama.
Flowers

Marshmallow91 · 09/09/2021 22:49

Absolutely what everyone else is saying. If you crack now, she'll walk all over you (even more than she's doing now)

If she wants something to eat or drink, she's an adult and can get it herself. She doesn't need you at her beck and call.

Stop asking her if she needs something. She's playing the victim. I know she's your daughter and it's so difficult right now (I have a daughter myself)

But this is exactly what the phrase "cruel to be kind" was made for.

Stay strong Flowers

Notimeforaname · 09/09/2021 22:55

Stop going to her room, she's a woman. Leave her be she'll either move out or or give up. She's behaving appallingly

Just want to echo what everyone else is saying..carry on as you are.

Leave her to it.

She's really trying to get you to cave. Dont..

TatianaBis · 09/09/2021 23:03

The more you keep checking and stressing the more she knows her plan is working.

I would just completely tune out of what she’s doing and let her communicate when she’s ready.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 09/09/2021 23:14

Who cares what she's done. It's hardly going to be long term is it.

You should be getting angry that she is treating you like shit.

Stop doing stuff for her (I imagine you are doing her washing etc) stop asking her if she wants food - she is perfectly capable of cooking something herself and was going to be doing this if she moved in with her bf.
I think you might have some kind of issues to deal with why you need her to need you.

Feedingthebirds1 · 09/09/2021 23:15

OP, STOP WORRYING ABOUT HER!

She's trying to play a game with you, and not a very nice one. From my post above:

She's aiming to stay in there until you crack and go into her room sobbing, throwing yourself at her feet and saying that you were totally wrong, of course he can stay there all week and pay almost nothing and they can have the ground floor to themselves, and you'll be more than happy to do all their washing and cleaning.

You're not sticking to the script she's written for you, so she's ramping it up. Keep not playing. In the long run it will be much better for you and her.

RedToothBrush · 09/09/2021 23:22

@StewPots

It has been especially tough today. She’s blocked my number on her phone and also off all her social media.
Let her.

Stop checking up on her. She's acting like she's 5 to manipulate you.

Your job as a parent is to teach independence not to wrap up in cotton wool. Not be her best friend. You are the one who has to say no and teach boundaries.

Every time you check up on her, you run the risk of cracking. You will badly let her down in the long run if you do.

Chloemol · 09/09/2021 23:32

Look she is 19 and is more than capable of looking after herself

Her sulking in her room is to punish you, and you are still letting her manipulate you

Just go in each morning bright and breezy, pull back the curtains, tell her it’s time to get up, and get herself breakfast and carry on with your day

If she chooses to stay in her room and not eat then that’s up to her

Carry on with what you need to do and leave her to it

EasterIssland · 09/09/2021 23:35

She’s mentally abusing you and she knows how stress affects your condition … she’s not being nice to you but manipulative.

Sending you hugs and strength

Esspee · 09/09/2021 23:37

Please don’t let her continue to manipulate you. Ignore her completely, don’t ask about food, stop doing her laundry and get on with your life.
I am so sorry that you lost your father and glad that you have a supportive partner to get you through this difficult time. You are going to have to be strong, if you give even an inch you will regret it.

Justilou1 · 09/09/2021 23:40

Right… Time to play hardball. She is punishing you and behaving like a 14 year old. You need to stop looking for her approval. She knows exactly which buttons to push and is quite frankly, a nasty, little bully. You need to perhaps think about why your identity is so highly enmeshed with hers that she has had this much power over you that you have questioned yourself in this way and allowed her to take advantage of your emotional and psychological situation. You should be absolutely furious about THAT as well as the financial impact this has all had.

Strangevipers · 09/09/2021 23:41

Oh no she needs to break up with him but she isn't going to listen

Let her move out with this silly bf and learn the hard way! Hopefully she won't be silly enough to try for a baby with him

timeisnotaline · 09/09/2021 23:43

19 and blocked you from her phone is moving out time. Do you pay for her phone bill? If so march in there and say you’ve made me realise I’m paying a 19yos phone bill to be treated with disrespect. Next month I’m stopping, you can look into what needs doing to keep the number or it will disappear then. Also and whether or not you pay ,say I don’t provide a home for anyone over 18 who blocks me on their phone so if you haven’t sent me a polite message by the weekend you will have to plan to move out, we will sit down with you and discuss dates. I need a peaceful clean house before my big operation and dp doesn’t need to be looking after a spoilt child while he’s looking after me so it will be well before then, so we can recover from being treated this way.

Honestly op lay down the rules and your life willl be much easier. My child under 18 blocks me on phone, I take phone. My child over 18 blocks me- time to move out.

Dontbeme · 09/09/2021 23:51

@StewPots

It has been especially tough today. She’s blocked my number on her phone and also off all her social media.
At this point you shout down the hall that blocking you doesn't work when she is still living for free in your home. Stop playing into her sulking and strops. She seems a deeply unpleasant person to do this to you when you are grieving and vulnerable.
ChateauxNeufDePoop · 09/09/2021 23:55

@StewPots

It has been especially tough today. She’s blocked my number on her phone and also off all her social media.
Sorry, but so what? She's constantly upping the ante because you let her.
Original poster
StewPots · 09/09/2021 23:58

I haven’t done laundry or cooking to be fair. But yes I thought I’d done a good job as a single parent because I worked extra hours to pay for extra tuition, I instilled what’s right or wrong, always made sure she was cared for etc etc… but yes I have let things slide over the years ( she’s never been a drunk teen or out causing trouble or anything ) and however little they seem she’s used it to play me as you say. I think because of what her D is like, and then her stepdad, I perhaps have wrapped her up on cotton wool of some sort to protect her. But it’s made her lose respect. I think the fact I can no longer work has made me go down in her estimation as well, since I always worked full time up until last year. I’ve obviously gone wrong somewhere.

OP posts:
Droite · 10/09/2021 00:00

It could be interesting to see what happens if you change the wifi password.

Also maybe get someone else to do the school run in the morning but pretend to go out and wait for her to do her dash to the bathroom and the kitchen.