19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

I bet she got supplied last night whilst you were asleep
No teen doesn't eat or pee!

You need to act BREEZY to make her think the way she is acting is not getting to you. Do not show that it is getting to you

if it wasn't going to waste their time, i'd be tempted to call a dr out for her, tell them she's not eating, drinking or been to the loo in at least 48hrs and you're worried for her mental health.

@StewPots

It’s been horrendous today. As far as I know she hasn’t left her room not even for the toilet. She’s not eating or drinking. My own anxiety and emotions are through the roof and my pain level has increased massively - my condition is triggered by stress. I am really really struggling today so any support or advice would be appreciated

OP in the kindest possible way you need to take a step back, detach, and reflect that your DD is absolutely fine, she is simply having a tantrum. There is nothing to feel anxious about.

If you're worried, put your head round her door and check she's ok, then leave her to it.

You will remain very easy to manipulate if you get this wound up over her machinations.

I asked her if she wanted a drink or something to eat but she just huffed no and stayed under the duvet. I don’t know if she’s seen the bf or not but at night when he finishes work… he does splits and I know she hasn’t seen him in the day.

I have done the school run twice today so she’s had time I guess then. But I’m so exhausted I’m not sleeping, I cried my eyes out to DP about my dad and also yes DD.. and im in pain and just fed up

Meh - she's still breathing then. Go and relax in front of the TV.

She is doing a performance sulk.

Hang on in there

Oh come on, she's playing you like a fiddle. You need to get tough and stop pandering

You did a brilliant job with the conversation yesterday. Let her process it, keep up the line you've taken (re-read your update on the convo here if that helps as a script) and don't worry too much (easy to say!)

Dd is fine, she's just throwing a strop more typical for a toddler - she won't actually starve herself or stop using the toilet. Nothing bad is actually happening to her OP and she is free to drink or eat or pee whenever she likes.

What she IS doing is engaging in behaviour which is very triggering for you and hard for you to cope with and probably she is aware of this.
It's manipulative behaviour and she's trying to make you back down.

Stand firm, and stay calm, you can invite her to join you for dinner or tell her again that you are happy to talk further about this if she likes - but don't change your position.

Remember this is for the benefit of all of you, including dd herself.

She’s playing you, and given your Heath issues it’s beyond just sulking. Make yourself think of something else.

Play some happy music, put on some cheery tv, have a lazy tea with your DC and let her stew. You are actually helping her here believe me. Parenting is not just about giving DC everything they want it’s about giving them what they need. In this case a reality check!

Personally I think you need to lose your cool and read her the riot act now - or your partner if you are not up to it.

Along the lines of "Your selfish behaviour is now making me/your mother ill, you are trying to punish me/us for refusing to house a grown man who can house himself. I'm not his mum - now you will come and eat dinner with us tonight whether you like it or not - or I'll be packing your bags myself!" Couldn't put up with what your putting up with.

I'm angry for you. She's acting like you have put a puppy out in the snow - he is a grown working man! Is she really living like this because she is too tight to pay rent? Ask her what she hopes to achieve because this is no quality of life for any of you. What exactly is the problem with her moving out?! Ask her if she doesn't want to why not? If she doesn't want to live with him then problem solved, if she does move out.

She knows the impact she's having on you. She's pulling out all the stops. At the moment she's thinking ffs what else do I have to do?

Just act like you are having a good day. Don't sit about crying, no matter how much you want to. Make your usual noise and chat to your husband about normal things. Watch a good movie tonight. You are strong and can do this!

@Winter2020

Personally I think you need to lose your cool and read her the riot act now - or your partner if you are not up to it.

Along the lines of "Your selfish behaviour is now making me/your mother ill, you are trying to punish me/us for refusing to house a grown man who can house himself. I'm not his mum - now you will come and eat dinner with us tonight whether you like it or not - or I'll be packing your bags myself!" Couldn't put up with what your putting up with.

I'm angry for you. She's acting like you have put a puppy out in the snow - he is a grown working man! Is she really living like this because she is too tight to pay rent? Ask her what she hopes to achieve because this is no quality of life for any of you. What exactly is the problem with her moving out?! Ask her if she doesn't want to why not? If she doesn't want to live with him then problem solved, if she does move out.

Completely agree with this. Your daughter knows exactly what she's doing to you but just doesn't care. Let her move out and live with her boyfriend if she's so unhappy in your home. 🌹

She is having a ridiculous tantrum, and trying to bully and manipulate you into giving in. Try not to let it get to you.

I don't think there would be anything wrong in showing your annoyance with her. Something along the lines of, "your behaviour is rude and upsetting. It's not going to change my mind, in fact it is only confirming that my decision was right in the first place. So either get over it and start behaving like a decent human being, or start looking for somewhere else to live."

Maybe it is time for her to move out, really. It's certainly time for her to grow up a bit. She is causing you a lot of stress in a time when you already have so much on your plate.

Is it possible he dumped her because his meal ticket came to an end?

That would explain the hiding under the duvet, rather than boldly checking for flats on Rightmove.

I’d love to hear the boyfriend’s mother and stepfather’s take on the situation. And why things got physical between him and your dd’s bf. It makes me wonder if the stepdad really is controlling, whether it’s the bf or both. Because all I read is a lot of people trying to control others in this scenario. Your dd is trying to control you and either she is doing this or her own accord or he is doing it through her.

In any case, there is far too much drama and this show down that you are having with your dd has been a long time coming by the sound of it. I take it you normally placate her.

Please stay strong. I get it’s hard. I’d feel and act in exactly the same way as you. Anxiety and stress also makes my health conditions and pain far worse. Remember what I said about needing the calm for your hysterectomy. You are doing this now so that you can have peace when you most need it. Stay strong and find something positive to look forward to even if it is a nice cuppa alone time tomorrow etc. If you feel up to it, maybe have a drive out to somewhere peaceful, where you feel safe or visit a quiet tea room.

She's being cruel and manipulative to you. So selfish, childish and immature to knowingly make you ill. You've been overly accommodating and too kind, she hasn't a clue how to be a responsible, caring adult. Really the kindest thing would be to teach her adulting. To ask her to move out ASAP. With or without the bf. Second choice, housework required, decent rent paid and joint home responsibilities.

She is taking you for a mug, ignore and crack on with your day. Stop showing her that this awful behaviour is how you get what you want.
I’m sure she has peed and eat whilst you were out and in bed.

Emotional blackmail. Ignore.

Honestly, she is fine. You have been out so she's had plenty of time to eat and go to the bathroom. Even if she is having mental health issues this not not a good enough reason for them to cause you so much pain and distress.

OP you've been through a shit time, and you don't need 'D'D to make things worse.

There are two things you absolutely need to get your head round:

1. That did nothing wrong at all in bringing the seven days a week for the BF to an end. They were both being downright insulting to you behaving the way they were. (Personally I think you were too generous in saying it could go back to three or four days a week, but that's up to you.)

1. She is not in her bedroom because she's heartbroken and distraught. She is doing it to punish you, because she knows how you'll be feeling. She's aiming to stay in there until you crack and go into her room sobbing, throwing yourself at her feet and saying that you were totally wrong, of course he can stay there all week and pay almost nothing and they can have the ground floor to themselves, and you'll be more than happy to do all their washing and cleaning.

That would be the very worst thing you could do, for her and for your own sanity. Remember how bad it is when he's living there. Don't let it get to that again. And remember too that so often in family situations on MN the response is 'you have a DH/P problem' because the DH/P is putting someone else's wants above the OP's needs. Don't get to the point where your partner has a DP problem either. You love him, you want to keep him. Don't let Madam come between you when what she wants is completely unreasonable. If he was objecting to something she needed that would be different, but she doesn't need this. She wants it and is going to do her damndest to get it. Even if it makes you ill, she doesn't care. In fact she's counting on it to make you more vulnerable so that to get rid of one source of stress you give in and say he can stay. Let her be very surprised when her manipulation tactics don't work.

My jaw fell to the floor with her casual statement - "we'll do the bathroom on the ground floor, so we can live separately from you/stepfather/half-brother". I paraphrase but that is what I understood. So,they have >=£5,000 to make themselves a flat of their own but let you (plural) pay the rent, electricity, gas, phone internet and food (and possibly more bills that haven't come to mind), throwing you a token amount when forced to do so and very unwillingly! Did I miss something that makes sense of this?

You recently lost your father and your daughter doesn't give a shit basically.

@StewPots

I asked her if she wanted a drink or something to eat but she just huffed no and stayed under the duvet. I don’t know if she’s seen the bf or not but at night when he finishes work… he does splits and I know she hasn’t seen him in the day.

I have done the school run twice today so she’s had time I guess then. But I’m so exhausted I’m not sleeping, I cried my eyes out to DP about my dad and also yes DD.. and im in pain and just fed up

But who cares if she hasn’t eaten or been to the toilet? Is she not an adult? Does she typically wet or soil herself? My guess is no. She can likely (assuming no medical conditions such as diabetes) go several days without eating a thing and be fine. Leave her to it. Not going to the toilet and not eating is only a punishment to you if you let it be.

Who cares if she’s seen the bf or not?
I know this is stressful for you but you need to be mindful about how involved you are getting in the drama of it all. She’s creating it on purpose to make you feel like this. If she doesn’t care about the stress she’s putting you under, why should you care if she’s chosen to see her bf or chosen to punish herself by not going to the toilet (or more likely just go to the effort pretend she’s not going to the toilet)

This is all super tough! But we’ll done for starting to draw a line in the sand