Aibu to think that close friends would offer to babysit?

[Overthebow]

We had a baby last year. We have no family to help, but we do have a lot of close, or so I thought, friends. Me and DH haven’t had any time together just is because we don’t have anyone to babysit. All our friends have family who regularly babysit and are always going on about date nights together, I’ve even offered to babysit for friends and get told no because their DPs or other family babysit for them. We’ve had chats about how hard I’m finding it and how my relationship is suffering but still no one has offered. AIBU to think that you would offer for a close friend? Just once every now and again?

My friend wanted to enter into a reciprocal babysitting arrangement with me. God honest truth, I'd rather not go out at all than go out and have to return the favour by looking after her child.

I'm afraid I was like this - and I had no family nearby and not much money at all for babysitting. We just didn't go out for a good while - had take-out and a film after babies went to bed instead or had friends with babies over for dinner all together.

But OP if you are in nursery I would suggest putting up a notice/posting on whatever social media you have saying "anyone interested in a babysitting exchange with similar age kids - maybe every second week so we can all go out for dinner?" you might get a response from someone who feels like you - someone who might even become a friend.

I don't believe at all it takes a village to raise a child. I don't want any random villager raising or even babysitting my child.

I think it takes a village to create a place where parents feel safe and supported in raising their children.

It’s fine to reciprocate babysitting amongst friends. But it sounds like your friends don’t need you to babysit for them so it’d be a very one sided series of favours (assuming you’ll want to go out a few times not just the once). Maybe that’s why your friends have declined.

I baby sat for my friends prior becoming a mum myself. More than happy to but they felt fine to ask me. Couldn't do it now I have my own as easily but I would if a friend was struggling. Their child would have to come to mine though.

Nope. YABU.

Yup, only if they offer, and I wouldn't expect it as it wouldn't occur to most people even close friends. I've had babysitting offers, but tbh, it's not a responsibility I'd want to place on friends and would rather ask a family member ot babysitter.

"Nooooooo
It would be one thing if they were childless, well rested and energetic"...

BAHAHAHAHA

Childless, well rested and energetic here. Still a NO.

Nooooooo
It would be one thing if they were childless, well rested and energetic but expecting other parents of small children to baby sit your small children is like expecting a drowning man to save another slightly more drowning man

As a childless person, I see myself as a non-swimmer in your analogy.

Even my family would only babysit in an emergency so no I wouldn't expect a friend to do it.

I think maybe you need to adjust your expectations a little. It might seem like most people have family that take dc all the time, so everyone else is having these nice dates, why should I have to pay a babysitter, that's unfair. It's really not like that, read a few threads on here to see that the gp/family babysitting is far from the norm. Most people pay a babysitter if they want to go out, and the cost excuse doesn't really wash if you were thinking of going to a restaurant. Go half as often, or go out for a free/low cost activity like a hike or a picnic.

I totally get where you're coming from with this. I grew up in an area where my parents friends were very international. They formed a babysitting circle, were a tight group of friends and all helped each other - mainly because none of them had family nearby but also because they were all decent, very friendly people.
I sorted expected the same thing but really struggled with my first born with isolation as a found so many people quite cold, unfriendly and also quite (whisper it!) boring. I offered to help friends but they (like your situation) had family nearby. I became close with a few likeminded women who also didn't have family nearby and we ended up helping each other and sharing favours.
Long story short - we ended up moving to a different, more community minded area and it's completely different. Everyone is soooo much more friendlier and helpful.
My advice is motherhood opens up a lot of new friendships- keep sifting and you will find some absolute gems but you need to quickly discard those who aren't.

Set up a babysitting swap club with your friends- that’s what we did with some local friends I met via school!

No way, including family. I chose to have children. they are my responsibility, NOT my friends‘. if you have friends/family desperate to spend time with your children, you are lucky. if not, take up your responsibility and get on with it. Just expecting other people to give up their very limited time to spend time with your kids without any return us an interesting way to look at things.
exchanging favours (you look after mine, I look after yours) is very different but you need to ask/offer!

You are asking the wrong people to help you.

People with babies and toddlers themselves don't want to help you unless it is an emergency as they are shattered and/or don't want to change anymore nappies.

You either need someone with older children, including adult children, or someone younger so teen/early 20s who likes children. The people who will probably help you are probably living much closer to you than your friends e.g. neighbours, on the next street.

Also you need to build up the relationship between your child and them e.g. they spend some time in the day with each other. That way when you go off at night you and they know if your child wakes up your child won't be distressed.

I use to babysit for neighbours toddlers plus family children. The babysitters from my DD are people with older children who have known her since a few weeks old.

As other posters have said, you knew you didn't have family to help babysit when you decided to have a baby, expecting friends to do it for free is a mistake on your part unfortunately, these sort of things should be considered before having a baby, especially if you can not afford to pay for a babysitter to go out.

I offered to babysit for a friend once. She went right off the deep end with conditions and instructions insisting on at two practice runs with her not far away and able to come back. So I backed off.

She really came across like she’s be doing me a favour by letting me. So I’ve never offered to do it again for anyone. I will if asked, because then I feel it’s more likely to be appreciated.

They haven’t accepted your offer to babysit as they know you’re busy with the baby and that, if they accept, they will then have to reciprocate.

We’ve been in the same boat, sadly you just have to lump it and not go out in the evenings or pay up.

They haven’t accepted your offer to babysit as they know you’re busy with the baby and that, if they accept, they will then have to reciprocate

And they don’t need to reciprocate as they don’t need a babysitter.

@Overthebow

I know I should just ask but im not in a good place at the moment and scared of them saying no and looking stupid. We can’t really afford a babysitter, round here the going rate is £10 per hour do £20 or £30 on top of food or drinks is out of our budget.

You can't afford to go out and eat then I'm afraid. Could you order a takeaway when baby is asleep? Its not the same but now your baby is older you'll get your evenings back a bit sometimes.

Or look at going somewhere cheap and quick to eat like nandos or KFC?

I'm in a similar position to you and I really wouldn't expect those with their own children to babysit for me. I think your best bet is to pay for a sitter.

I knew this thread would be full of people suggesting you're being outrageous and entitled.

I have a small circle of parent friends and we all have toddlers the same age. We lost our key parental support earlier this year and now have very little. They've been amazing, one even had our DD overnight when we went to a wedding.

We often look after one of the other toddlers if their parents are doing something and wouldn't hesitate to have them overnight if it was needed. I don't view it as expecting other people to be responsible for your kids. I just view it as good friends helping each other out.

So no, I don't think YABU and I totally understand how hard it is. But it might be worth asking outright and offering once again to reciprocate. Even if they do have their family support, surely an extra break is a bonus too.

They should offer. My husbands friends live round the corner from us and don't have any family nearby to babysit. I've said before I'm more than happy to come and babysit so they can go out! Was booked a couple of times and cancelled due to COVID but I was glad I offered and would be more than happy too!

I would offer and have offered.

I have also been occasionally asked. Although whether I have accepted or not depends on the child tbh.

Having said that, I do think it's one of those things you ought to factor in when having kids.

Maybe they just don't feel comfortable looking after someone else's child? I know myself I do offer & do sometimes take care of my friends children for various reasons but I do have a friend that no matter how many times I offer she won't allow anyone other than family to have her children.
I respect that but I do still remind her from time to time I'm there if she needs me which I think the only reason you wouldn't do is if you didn't feel comfortable in the first place.