Aibu to think that close friends would offer to babysit?

[Overthebow]

We had a baby last year. We have no family to help, but we do have a lot of close, or so I thought, friends. Me and DH haven’t had any time together just is because we don’t have anyone to babysit. All our friends have family who regularly babysit and are always going on about date nights together, I’ve even offered to babysit for friends and get told no because their DPs or other family babysit for them. We’ve had chats about how hard I’m finding it and how my relationship is suffering but still no one has offered. AIBU to think that you would offer for a close friend? Just once every now and again?

I wouldn't babysit for close friends op.
It may sound harsh, but you chose to have a baby and your friends time is probably precious to them.
I don't blame your friends for not letting you babysit, they may think that you would want them to return the favour, which from what you've written is probably true.
You may have to pay for a sitter via an agency or something if you have no family to do it.

"Expect nothing&you can only be pleasantly suprised" has been my motto since having my dc..oh and dont expect people to be psychic-there are plenty of things that would be nice if others could read our minds,anticipate what we'd like but people are mostly too busy to care&caught up in their own lives.Just pay for what you want,easiest option since the 1950's era of extended family expectations is much less a thing in Western countries nowadays.

It would be one thing if they were childless, well rested and energetic but expecting other parents of small children to baby sit your small children is like expecting a drowning man to save another slightly more drowning man

Looking after a small baby could be pretty terrifying for someone who hasn’t had one.

I have friends ask me and I’ve asked friends. They’ve never offered and I’ve never offered - doesn’t mean they’re not good friends and I’m not a good friend.
Just ask if you want someone to babysit

No, I wouldn't have expected it. Babysitting for friends so they can have a date night is just not a thing that happens. In general friends just do not babysit each other's small babies. Childcare swaps of school aged children who are friends, yes.

If you don't have willing DGPs, it's pay for childcare or suck it up and stay at home for now like everyone else, I'm afraid.

@Overthebow

I would absolutely reciprocated and have offered. Friends kids are all of a similar age.

My friend wanted to enter into a reciprocal babysitting arrangement with me. God honest truth, I'd rather not go out at all than go out and have to return the favour by looking after her child.

No, I wouldn’t randomly offer to babysit for all my friends-babysitting is knackering, as is having your own kids!

We didn’t go out for years when our kids were small. A reciprocal arrangement where both parties benefit is fine, but otherwise I really wouldn’t be keen.

Does your baby sleep in the evening? I think maybe you need to work on quality time together in your own home rather than pinning your hopes on the odd night out. Do you each get evenings out of the home doing hobbies or meeting friends? I found that saved my sanity when the kids were small. They are 13 and 11 now and life is so much easier even with hormones flying around.

I used to babysit a lot for friends and family ...many years before I had my own DC, I always enjoyed it and was pleased to help out .... sadly no one offered to babysit when I did have a DC!

It would be nice if they did but honestly I think you are expecting too much. When your baby goes down for the night is the time where you can spend quality time with your partner. You might not get any time together without your baby now but as they get older and sleep patterns improve you will in the evenings. Instead of date nights you can do fun things at home, eg. movie night when your baby is asleep or do things as a family during the day. I don't think a lack of alone time is the only reason a relationship would suffer because there will be plenty of people in your position (me included) that make the best use of any time as quality time.

I offered to (and did) babysit the children of friends when they were little, and I didn't have any kids myself. I was happy to, loved the little ones and loved their parents. No skin off my nose to enable them to have some time to themselves while I watched telly in a house considerably nicer than my own.

Attitudes towards friends on Mumsnet baffle me sometimes. I do think it's unreasonable of your friends not to have offered if they know you're struggling OP. What else are friends for but to help out and enrich each other's lives?

I'd still do it now but since the kids are older they're often at sleepovers etc so not so much need for a sitter.

I’ve never once offered to babysit a friend’s child. It just wouldn’t dawn on me.

I think you’re just going to have to suck it up and pay a babysitter. I know you’re saying it’s an expense you can’t afford but, I’d you had a free babysitter, you’d be going out anyway so maybe save the money from NOT going out to pot towards a night when you can go out, and pay a babysitter.

How old is your baby?
Could you ask a friend for a lunch on a weekend rather than evening out? It’s hard to look after a friends baby and settle them for the night especially when you have to put your own kids to bed too.

If you put DC to bed, could you pay a student to just watch her sleep. For that I’d pay £8 an hour round here and you can have two hours out maybe?

@Overthebow

I would absolutely reciprocated and have offered. Friends kids are all of a similar age.

Have you asked directly and offered to reciprocate in return? How old is baby? What time do they go to bed?

Are they in nursery?

Even our family would never ever think to offer. You need to be brave and ask. We just paid a few different nursery staff over the years.

Now my older two occasionally look after the younger two ( badly they arent very doting or maternal) on the rare occasion we go out.

I would just ask them OP. You’ve got nothing to lose? Make it as easy as possible - baby in bed etc for them arriving

Of course I'd offer to babysit for a few hours if I knew my friend a) hand no family nearby, b) wasn't exactly flush, and (most importantly) c) was having a tough time of it and needed a break.

That's what friends are for.

Before I had my own kids I wouldn’t have offered as I wouldn’t have known what I was doing. Now I have kids I still wouldn’t offer as I have my hands full. If someone asked me in a polite non cf way then I’d be happy to do it.

Is your baby in childcare? We would occasionally book a week day off and have lunch out while DC were at nursery so we could have uninterrupted adult time.

I babysit for friends children but only locally. Lots of friends live locally and we have similar age children so we always reciprocate and it works well. My family are further afield so don't use them often. Or we use local teenagers (especially if we know the parents) which tend to be cheaper and you can set the fee (we generally pay £6.50 an hour, snacks and WiFi).
I would try asking them outright and offering to reciprocate and fixing both dates in. It's free babysitting so not sure what's not to like really. Perhaps try your nct group as they maybe more willing with same age children. Finally if not start asking around with neighbours or on your local Facebook page as there's usually local teenagers looking to make some money.

We are exactly in the same position as you. We used to have a great arrangement with friends who had kids the same age and also had no family support. We both understood that kids would be in bed asleep when being baby sat. Kids were also over a year old.
Now we've moved we have to pay a babysitter (neighbour's 20-something daughter). We go for cheap nights out like a picnic or round to friends for drinks.
Keep asking - you'll find someone!

I would offer to help OP. Not as a regular thing though if I’m honest.

How old is baby? I probably wouldn’t offer for night time if a young baby was still likely to wake whilst I was looking after them at night. I also wouldn’t think to offer until they were of that sort of age because I didn’t leave my own DC until then (I realise this is my own short sightedness!)

I wouldn't offer because I wouldn't want to be in the uncomfortable position of them saying no thanks. Some people, for good reason, only like to have family babysit

Have you asked directly and offered to reciprocate in return? How old is baby? What time do they go to bed?

Are they in nursery?

No I’ve not asked directly and don’t think I could now after responses on here. I have offered to babysit for them though.

My DC is in nursery.

@Pinkplums

Before I had my own kids I wouldn’t have offered as I wouldn’t have known what I was doing. Now I have kids I still wouldn’t offer as I have my hands full. If someone asked me in a polite non cf way then I’d be happy to do it.

Yeah, I think that about sums it up. Pre-kids there's no way I would have offered as I didn't have a fucking clue what to do with a baby and would have actively run in the opposite direction. Post-kids I would not have offered because I was a bit busy trying to survive parenting my own exhausting, demanding kids. But if a good friend asked me and said she, or her relationship, was really struggling, I'd do it.