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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think that close friends would offer to babysit?

287 replies

Overthebow · 07/09/2021 21:07

We had a baby last year. We have no family to help, but we do have a lot of close, or so I thought, friends. Me and DH haven’t had any time together just is because we don’t have anyone to babysit. All our friends have family who regularly babysit and are always going on about date nights together, I’ve even offered to babysit for friends and get told no because their DPs or other family babysit for them. We’ve had chats about how hard I’m finding it and how my relationship is suffering but still no one has offered. AIBU to think that you would offer for a close friend? Just once every now and again?

OP posts:

Throwntothewolves · 08/09/2021 07:29

I'm in the same position and no one offered either. They all had young kids and were too busy themselves to want to I think, I get it, I couldn't have either when DS was very young. So you either pay someone, you don't go out together in the evening, or you do things during the day if you can put the little one in childcare and have a day off together. Those are your choices. No point in thinking it isn't fair, life isn't.

For what it's worth because of lack of family nearby DS only had his first overnight away from me recently with friends - he's 8. Those with family who can help don't know how lucky they are.

notthemum · 08/09/2021 07:39

Sorry but as pp have said people with small children don't want to look after other people's small children. It isn't their fault that you have no family support.
If you can't afford to pay a babysitter then how can you afford to go out ? You need to save. A few pound a week then you will be able to go out knowing that your child is being looked after.
As an after thought, don't know if it is still a thing but there used to be a service that was something to do with adopting a granny . They would visit, hopefully become like a member of the family (not living with you though) and you maý get the odd night out.

Fireplace12 · 08/09/2021 07:51

I’ve always offered to look after friends children. Even when they were tiny.

alrightfella · 08/09/2021 07:55

We were in this situation however friends did offer but I stopped using them as they would never let me reciprocate as they always had family to do it. I was a sahm at that time so no childcare til they started pre school.

In the end we rarely went out when they were young and just saved paying for a babysitter for really special occasions. We went out a lot separately though.

I sympathise it is really hard.

CallMeNutribullet · 08/09/2021 07:57

At that age I wouldn't expect a friend to offer and I wouldn't have asked. I never asked anyone but close family to babysit until the time DD was potty trained.
That being said if they're close you could maybe say "hey we really need a night out, how do you fancy looking after x on Saturday and we'll reciprocate the following week"?

LadyPenelope68 · 08/09/2021 07:59

If they’ve got young children themselves and only get to go out when relatives babysit, then they’re not going to want to spend time babysitting someone else’s children. I think it’s really odd that you think they should offer, YABVVU

whiskersonkittenss · 08/09/2021 08:01

I wouldn't offer because I have my own children and I wouldn't know what to do with someone else's. If you can afford a night out then save until you can afford child care too.

Beautiful3 · 08/09/2021 08:10

I'm in the same position as you. Baby sitters are expensive, but the only way forward really. A friend said they'd been asked to baby sit and she couldn't face having her 3 plus another 2. 5 kids were too daunting for her at the weekend! I understand.

ablutiions · 08/09/2021 08:11

2 options

A local paid for sitter - usually a sensible teen from an older family (my kids made a packet babysitting local,kids)
A babysitting circle where you have a formal shared babysitting atta Genentech with other parents who want to join in.

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/09/2021 08:19

I wouldn't offer but I might do it if I was asked.

SkinnyMirror · 08/09/2021 08:37

We babysit for a close friend and they do the same for us.

We're very close and holiday together so know each other's kids very well.

ChateauMargaux · 08/09/2021 08:37

Many answers!!

I have done a few baby sitting swaps but nothing regular as it commits you to 2 nights when you have to be out of the house and you somehow feel obliged to be in step with your babysitting partner.

But logically.... if you miss going out and feel like it's been too long.. you have theoretically saved on many nights out so can blow out for a babysitter once in a blue moon... don't think about is as £60 for one night.. its £60 for all of your nights out for 6 months.

Thorgod · 08/09/2021 08:50

OP we have lots of local family who babysit and we have paid babysitters (i agree - £££!!!) BUT we also have a babysitting swap group with some local friends and we do occasionally sit in after bedtime so parents can go to the pub etc for a couple of hours. I would absolutely offer if I was your friend! But wld consider asking the kindest, too, and say you'd be happy to host a playdate/do something else to show appreciation. Good luck! Ps i love daytime dates/outings because i have more energy and am not secretly longing for bed

Cirin · 08/09/2021 08:53

Um, no, people don't randomly give up their free time to watch other people's babies, especially not for free.

If you can't afford a 10 quid babysitter, are you really in the financial situation to be having nights out anyway? You sound pretty tight.

Kids are your responsibility, not your friends'.

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2021 08:55

Um, no, people don't randomly give up their free time to watch other people's babies, especially not for free.

People do though. I’ve looked after lots of friend’s children. They need to ask because I’m not a mind reader.

HoboSexualOnslow · 08/09/2021 08:55

I would offer, but I'm childfree and have never been taken up on it, maybe because I'm childfree?

Porridgealert · 08/09/2021 08:57

Don't any of your friends have older children that you could pay to babysit?

SkinnyMirror · 08/09/2021 08:59

@Cirin

Um, no, people don't randomly give up their free time to watch other people's babies, especially not for free.

If you can't afford a 10 quid babysitter, are you really in the financial situation to be having nights out anyway? You sound pretty tight.

Kids are your responsibility, not your friends'.

They aren't 'random babies' though are they? I've always been happy to babysit for friends - especially if they have no family help.

passionfruitpizza · 08/09/2021 08:59

I would offer. I think probably friends did offer for me but I've never taken them up on it. I've had family babysit a couple of times but generally just wouldn't go out.

SaintDrogo · 08/09/2021 09:01

My friends were falling over themselves to babysit DS1… I was the first of the group to have children. 10 years later and on DC3, they’ve now got their own children, and haven’t offered to babysit since before they were pregnant. If you’re really wanting a couple of hours away, I’d ask them OP. From what you’ve said it sounds like your baby is still quite young, but as they get older there will be more opportunities to grab bit of a break- when they go on play dates you can go for lunch, for example.
What about looking for childminders that have spaces for occasional children? We have some in our area, useful for if you want to go for haircut/gym/out for lunch, and only around £4.50 an hour. Obviously that’s during the day, but would be better than nothing.

MartiniOrange · 08/09/2021 09:02

YABU. They are your friends, not free babysitters. Pay for someone to babysit!

SkinnyMirror · 08/09/2021 09:13

@MartiniOrange

YABU. They are your friends, not free babysitters. Pay for someone to babysit!

Would you not want to do your friend a favour?

I'd rather babysit for free than them pay for a babysitter - especially if money was tight.

HelloDaisy · 08/09/2021 09:19

I think you need to find the oomph from somewhere and ask them. It is probably just that they have never thought to offer as it doesn’t apply to them if they have family nearby.

I would be happy to sit for a friend if it helped them and would enjoy being there as would be a change from home and would relax more as wouldn’t be thinking about what else I needed to do!

No harm in asking…

Aprilx · 08/09/2021 09:29

I have never been in this scenario as I don’t have children and honestly don’t have that many friends with children either, I certainly wouldn’t be the go to baby sitter for those that do.

But I find it bizarre that you drop hints about date night and your relationship suffering and expect friends (sounds like people with their own children) to offer to babysit! I think it is a bit cheeky really. A date night isn’t going to save your relationship if it really is suffering and I doubt it has even occurred to anyone that this is a situation to offer “emergency” baby sitting.

I can’t imagine the situation coming up but I wouldn’t be averse to baby sitting older children and I would do it because it would be a bit of a novelty for me. I wouldn’t take payment, but I can’t imagine any friend would not present me with a very nice thank you gift of some sort. Being asked because they wanted to go on date night but didn’t want to pay for baby sitting would not sit well with me.

billy1966 · 08/09/2021 09:44

I certainly looked after the toddlers of several dear friends when they had no one.
I know they hugely appreciated being told to go out and not to rush back.

I didn't find it fun or easy as I didn't have children of my own but I knew they needed the break.

I never had any family look after our 4 children even once but I was hugely blessed in several mature babysitters that we happily paid well so we could have a night out.
It was money spend well but I appreciate not all young couples can afford it.

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