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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that close friends would offer to babysit?

287 replies

Overthebow · 07/09/2021 21:07

We had a baby last year. We have no family to help, but we do have a lot of close, or so I thought, friends. Me and DH haven’t had any time together just is because we don’t have anyone to babysit. All our friends have family who regularly babysit and are always going on about date nights together, I’ve even offered to babysit for friends and get told no because their DPs or other family babysit for them. We’ve had chats about how hard I’m finding it and how my relationship is suffering but still no one has offered. AIBU to think that you would offer for a close friend? Just once every now and again?

OP posts:
AudacityBaby · 08/09/2021 09:59

I'd do this for a close friend but only a close friend. I'm selfish like that, given that I'm childless, well-rested and energetic, not one of those drowning parent people

Agree with a previous poster who said that those doing the favours are always the childless, though. The majority of my friends dropped me off their radars pretty quickly once they found new mum friends.

ILikeYourHair · 08/09/2021 10:01

@PurpleDaisies

It would be one thing if they were childless, well rested and energetic but expecting other parents of small children to baby sit your small children is like expecting a drowning man to save another slightly more drowning man

Looking after a small baby could be pretty terrifying for someone who hasn’t had one.

And to add, why should they waste their energy on somebody else’s kid? It’s not their problem.
Lanique · 08/09/2021 10:03

Sorry to be horrible but I remember babysitting for a friend once and it was shit. I was already knackered, dealing with my own dcs and their sleep issues so the last place I wanted to be was on someone else's sofa until 1am, unpaid obviously, then having to drive home.

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2021 10:05

And to add, why should they waste their energy on somebody else’s kid?
It’s not their problem.

That really wasn’t what I was saying at all. I don’t think it’s a a waste of energy helping out a friend. I have occasionally used some of my boundless energy looking after friend’s children because I care about my friends. As I’ve said before, I’m not a mind reader but they’ve been happy to ask. Sometimes I’ve said yes, sometimes I’ve said no.

Not everyone is confident being responsible for small kids and I wouldn’t judge them at all for that.

Starlight86 · 08/09/2021 10:07

Uch its a tricky one.

Having 3 young DCs i have a great support system however me and OH went 2 plus years without a night/day or any type of date night to ourselves between me being pregnant (im the sickest person in the world so cant do anything for 9 months) and then covid and then having a newborn.

You need to find ways to make time together. Getting baby down at 7pm and ordering a takeaway and having a movie night, cooking a bbq for the both of you in a nice summers evening and so on.

Yes its hard and can take its toll but unfortunately you shouldnt really rely on friends as they could be struggling.

SkinnyMirror · 08/09/2021 10:07

And to add, why should they waste their energy on somebody else’s kid?
It’s not their problem.

I guess it depress how much you like your friend!
I don't mind occasionally putting myself out for someone I love and care for.

nokidshere · 08/09/2021 10:09

Some of the comments on this thread are really very sad. I would do pretty much anything to help my friends out, as they would for me.

TreeSmuggler · 08/09/2021 12:02

I would help my friends out too, but it depends what with. It's a bit annoying to be asked to do an evenings work to save them £20, that realistically they could afford if they wanted. Dc is 15 months old, OP could have saved £2 per month since then and be out on her date tonight. If £2/month isnt possible then date nights are the last thing someone needs to worry about.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 08/09/2021 14:44

Honestly, I'd never offer if the friends had never looked into paid babysitting first. If a babysitter had let you down and it was an emergency (like a hospital visit, not going put for dinner) I'd offer.

But you sound like you expect them to and most people can sense that and therefore don't offer...

LadyPenelope68 · 08/09/2021 15:44

Just seen your update that your child goes to nursery! You’ve plenty of opportunities then to go out with your other half, you must go through the day instead. You need to adapt and work out when you can do things, not just expect people to give up their own free time for your child, rather entitled.

Normandy144 · 08/09/2021 15:52

I agree that some of the comments are really sad. Especially given all the focus on mental health and knowing how tricky it can be on relationships in those first few years. I don't think the OP is suggesting that her friends babysit without returning the favour. I'm so surprised that so many of you wouldn't dream of asking a friend to babysit and then you return the favour. It's pretty normal where I live and there's a big group of us that often sit for each other - even for a frivolous date night [gasp]. Yes I would rather be at home sitting on my own sofa but I see it as a way of earning the favour in return and it saves us all money. If I were you OP I would see if you can find cheaper sitters e.g. local teenagers looking to make some money (they won't be £10 an hour!) or see if your nursery has any staff who would do sitting. I'm sorry you don't have friends who you feel you could ask.

bakingdemon · 08/09/2021 16:00

No, I probably wouldn't offer to babysit. Before I had my own I wouldn't have felt confident to do it; now I have my own I don't have the time.

epponneee · 08/09/2021 16:02

some responses are so depressing!
I've already said I would struggle to babysit on a night due to my own children right now. But if I was logistically possible I would be happy to do so once in a while!
Just as I have looked after pets when friends/family have been away, picked friends up from the airport occasionally, or given lifts to other places, helped out with moving house - aren't these all things that people do for their friends even though they aren't technically their responsibility?? some are more enjoyable than others but all part and parcel of friendship - of course this should be 2 way so not always the same person doing the favours.
Also some of us actually like our friends kids so wouldn't see them as just a waste of our energy as has been suggested!

hangrylady · 08/09/2021 16:46

Just ask. I'll always babysit friends kids if they ask me and I'm free but I wouldn't volunteer as looking after other people's children is a chore IMO

Scbchl · 08/09/2021 16:48

You should defo just ask, id happily babysit for my friends in this situation.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 08/09/2021 16:54

When you ask OP are you going to say

"Can you look after my child because my husband and I can't afford a baby sitter...but we going out for dinner?"

Confused
Eralos · 08/09/2021 17:07

Pay for a babysitter and go for a picnic or a walk, do date nights in the house when the baby is asleep, dress up, have a bottle of wine, cook a nice meal. You don’t need to spend lots of money out.

Your friends have their own lives, ask them and they may say yes or no.

AngelDelight28 · 08/09/2021 17:42

15 months is pretty young though. My child is that age and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her with friends or babysitting a friend's child of that age. It would be different if they were older but toddlers are high needs. I would do it if a friend asked in an emergency but would want it to be a regular thing at this stage.
Also, how can you not afford a babysitter if you can afford a night out? Clearly you have at least a little bit of spare cash, so as you're not spending it on nights out now you could save it up to pay a babysitter?
Or, as others have suggested, have a film night and a takeaway after baby is asleep. That's what we do, we haven't had a night out together since pre baby either.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/09/2021 17:47

Yabu.
Hire a babysitter, ask a local teenager have them spend some time after school building up a relationship with your DC.
Did you ever consider offering this service before you had DC?
Is all well saying you'd offer now.
I have helped Dsis when she'd asked with DP staying with ours but I don't anymore.
No-one minds mine.

Howshouldibehave · 08/09/2021 18:01

I don't think the OP is suggesting that her friends babysit without returning the favour. I'm so surprised that so many of you wouldn't dream of asking a friend to babysit and then you return the favour

But what of they don’t need the favour? If you have plentiful babysitting offers, you won’t.

TicTacHoh · 08/09/2021 19:09

I’ve never babysat for friends nor have they done it for me. It’s not something I would ever expect anyone to do. Family, or pay a sitter. What do you expect kids to do with their kids while they sit yours?

TicTacHoh · 08/09/2021 19:10

^
what do you expect friends* this should have said

Kite22 · 08/09/2021 19:20

I also don't understand why anyone would refuse to babysit for "just a date night", don't we all need them to stay sane and to remind ourselves that we still actually like our partner and have something in common that isn't our children?

When my dc were little, we would pay for a local teen to sit for us. So, if we are paying someone to sit for us, why would we then want to spend a precious evening sitting for someone else because they choose to use their budget elsewhere ?
Asking people with small dc is really the wrong people to ask. When our dc were little, we were shattered. Between going out to work and volunteering/hobby and looking after our own dc, it took a herculean effort to get a night out ourselves 3 or 4 times a year, we didn't have the strength to book in nights for other people's social lives.
OTOH, I can think of parents of 3 different teenage babysitters, over the years, who came and sat for us because we'd phone to ask their dc and the dc (teen babysitters) weren't available and they unprovokedly said they would do it if we liked.
I have done that too for someone who asked my dc to sit for them on a night they couldn't do.
Now I have adult children, I have more time and would be much more likely to be able to help out someone who wanted a night out.

BananaPB · 08/09/2021 19:24

Do you know anyone with older kids? My teenager would be happy to do it for a token amount plus it's been so long that I've had a baby in the house (youngest is 15), I'd enjoy the novelty of looking after a baby for a short while.

Kite22 · 08/09/2021 19:43

Exactly BananaPB
It is one of those natural circles.
I babysat as an older teen / adult before I had my own dc.
Then we paid similar age youngsters when ours were little
Now my dc have been babysitting for a few years for other people.

They are very happy with £20 for a full night, or a bit less for a 'nipping out for a couple of hours' type meal'.

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